Hot Like Fire

Rose- confusion

2007-08-12T13:34:00.000-07:00

What is this feeling inside me? It burns in a place a heart should be. It is almost like longing. I don't think I have ever felt it before... at least not like this. I mean... Orifiel and Gabriel... they were fun and both I enjoyed but... Neither of them can hold a candle to my newest employer. He does things no one has ever done before. He has a way about him that... almost makes me feel like I want to be controlled for once. I have sent so much of my time being out solely for myself that I have no idea what it is like to actually want to give someone else any kind of control over me.

I don't know. I never get involved with my employers. It is a common rule that I have so it is easy for me to leave when the job is done. But... a part of me wants him to not let me go. I don't know why, but... Maybe it's his Power, the commanding presence he holds... Maybe it's his look... I don't know, something about him just... just won't leave my mind even when we are apart. I find myself wanting to do everything in my Power to impress him.

No... I have never felt like this before. Quite honestly...it's the only thing about my current job that worries me. There could be many things that could happen as a result. Not just him letting me go and my getting hurt, but... Already I find myself placing myself in serious situations whenever my employer is in trouble... But he always seems to heal me afterward. And when he touches me...

He is trying to get Dante and Vergil as part of a plan to get back at their father. Alreadythe brothers have come and gone from this place on a few occassions. This last time, it was thought for sure that vergil would have remained behind, but... he didn't want to listen. Now he has a lover who has lost her demon self for a short period of time. With which my employer must decide soon if he is going to take advantage of this situation or not. What happens to me, what I do, here I go... Right now it is up to my employer...

And oddly... I am okay with letting my fate rest in his hands...

oh boy....

2007-07-29T13:50:00.000-07:00

Too much to cover, not enough time to cover it all.

I have been spending my days at the chruch lately. Safer that way and the priest has been good enough to offer me a room to rest. Ori is always in the garden anyway. Not like he misses me much at night. And when he wants to see me, he can see me in the church.

Something has been happening... I don't know what Orifiel is going through but... It's a lot on him. He tells me that he is going to go back to Aura but... She is still in her coma. Has been ever since he left her. Dorian calls it the Sleeping beauty/Snow White syndrom. Only Orifiel's promised kiss of return will wake her. But he is off doing Ra knows what. Last I heard it was some competition he was doing to beat RIJ's record of something... Yes, I all him RIJ. If he wanted friendship I could give him that, but he doesn't even try. He is still too much obsessed with my sister. So he remains RIJ to me as far as I am concerned. He has rejected our children. Last I heard Orion and Orifiel had something on the side and Raven... She seems to be doing okay with Commander Suranto, but still... I sense saddness within her.

I am skirting around things... It seems Orifiel has been commondeering Ori's body... I have to admit, it is very enjoyable when he does this. But now... there are conesquneces to this and I have no idea how to tell Ori... All I know is what the test showed, but I have to get an official tet yet which I have been afraid to get. I know I would have to tell Ori and I don't know what he would think. I know he will wonder about it. But timing from the last time I was with Ori fits... not the last time Orifiel took Ori's body. It is the only explanation and because I am with Ori so few times it is easy to pick things like this out.

I fear his reaction though. I fear what he will do.

And a part of me fears that he still looks to Angel as something more than a friend. I think a part of him still has very strong feelings for her, but his religious background refuses to allow him to do anything about it... We went to her secret wedding... For a moment I thought he was going to object to it. But 1 he had no real reason especially with me there, and 2... Dante and Vergil tend to scare even me, so I can only imagne what their presence does to him.

I have to trust in him and our marriage. I do love him and want this to work. I just hope this child helps and doesn't hurt... Ori can help me bring this child up the way it should... With the light of God in its heart...

Breaking free...

2007-02-22T22:34:00.000-08:00

Sanura:

(RP)

Things still seem to be moving along very well. Orion is very attached to his father. I can't even give him a bathunless Gabriel is right there in the room with us. I am glad they both love each other so much... but I have been feeling strange again... I wonder... could it be?

He was so confused when it came to Orion.... what will he do if he learns there could be another child on the way?

_________________

(side)

I honestly cannot see a fuure with Ori any longer. He never touches me. Great for conversation yes. Faithful definitely... but... He wants me to act like a nun. That is not who I am. I have never been very nun-like. No... Things had been tense between us because I have had to hold back my true self for so long. And for what?

I came down the stairs the other day to him telling the others that he could accept me only if I put on a top.... He says he is not the type to peek inside the Playboy mansion... His words... his tone... he basically made it sound like I was whore. Me? A whore? I've never done anything remotely whore-is. And yet he's the 2nd one to accuse me of it. I'm sick of it...

If I am going to be accused, I might as well become the monster he once thought me to be. So I donned one of Rose's best seductress outfits and left. Low and behold I run into Gabriel... but he thought I was Rose. I had changed my hair, my look.. everything. The black rose tattoo that I normally hide, was very much clear and visible.

Gabriel shocked me by some of the things he said about me, not realizing he was talking to me. We kissed... and I felt a familiar fire burn. It was a fire I thought was killed off, but no. It only burns brighter and stronger. ALl that passion that he said was gone, I wanted to show him that it still remained. I wasnted... I wanted him. But I wanted him to want me. Not Rose... so when we agreed to go somewhere private... I told him. Then I gave him direct answers to every question he set to me. It was the most honest I had ever been to him in all the years we had been together. I told him that I was tired of dreaming about him, I wanted him if only for one last time.

I still don't know what happeened exactly... One minute we are talking and I feel like there just isn't a chance. The next minute I am on the bed with him over top of me... It was hot.. hot hot hot... I don't think it has ever been that passionate before. It's like there was something inside of him that he kept hidden from me all this time. Has he always still carried feelings for me?

He has a choice to make... He has someone... The question comes down to who and what he wants more. I wish him the best in his decision, it sure is not the easiest decision in the world. If he chooses her, there will be nothing more between us... I can accept it and move on...

But I don't really want to let him go. He will always have my heat...

I still love you, Gabriel... I will always love you...

____________________________

Rose:

(RP) .... All I can say is I think that taking control this time worked against me... I cannot come out for a while after this... Of course she is capable of seducing him on her own... but it had been so long *frowns sighs*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(side)

Theron pressed too far. I am all for roughness, anyone who has been wth me knows this, but... I am always a willing participant. Never have I not been willing until now. The beating I took at his hands went all the way through to Sanura even. I hadn't realize we were still so connected. I guess I have to be careful afterall.

Red and I kept finding ourselves playing these headgames with each other. I have to be careful. I have had one secret that I have guarded very carefully for almost 18 years now... I have no intention of revealing it now. I can't. Malcolm is trying to get close enough to figure it out, I know, but I won't even try.

Malcolm... I wondered if our paths would cross again. He is fun to play around with and he has made a decent friend to me. Still... I can't let anything happen between us while he has Red. I just feel like it would be bad if it happened...

Then there was Raven's kidnapping... NO one takes my daughter and expects to get away wth it. Whoever took her will go own as well as Theron. Now if only I could figure out where Sanu took off with my favorite clubbing outfit... She's been gone for an awfully long time... Red, too for that matter...

I can only think one thing... and I am not so sure that it's a good thing...

Oh God... what have I done...

2007-02-08T17:15:00.000-08:00

(RP)
****

________________________________________

(side)

Sweet God... I fear I no longer deserve forgiveness for the things that I do. This last sin... will haunt me forever.
He begged me. He would have forced me. He threatened everyone I loved... All he wanted was for me to take his life.

How was I supposed to be expected to do that? I loved him. I still love him. Just because I loved Ori enough to remarry doesn't mean I ever stopped loving Gabriel... I still dream of him, feel his arms wrapped around me... Severeal times a night I am wakened by the sound of his purring... only to learn that I am dreaming once more. He no longer holds me. His lips no longer touch mine. He... is gone...

His body is cold now. He told me he lied everytime he told me he loved me in the past. Why did I ask him to lie to me once more? Why.... I just had to hear him say it...

I held him as he died. Guilt surrounds me for I am the one who took his life. Ori.. what will he think? What am I to tell him? It hurt to see Gabriel with others, but at least I could still see him. When he pulled me close to him... It took all I could muster to keep myself from just taking advantage of the situation. I did kiss him, I did... but I didn't want anything more form him. He thought I did, but I didn't. He is right, I could never cheat on Ori. Especially with Gabriel himself...

He siad I was the only one who could set him free because I had his heart. That he could finally be at peace if I just finally killed him...

But now that he is gone...

Who will set me free? Free of this pain, guilt... Free of the love I still hold for him?

Who will set me free from the power he had when I gave my heart to him...?

When can I finally be put to rest? Because I honestly cannot take much more. If he comes back after this, I swear I will go insane...

Highway to hell....

2007-01-22T15:58:00.000-08:00

(RP)

*********

_________________________

(side)

Ra what is going on? Someimtes I am complately aware of my surroundings and then there are times where I am completely lost...

Gabriel is alive afterall... and very much attached to Malcolm which seems to make them very happy. But there is something ... odd... going on. Something I cannot make sense of and has my world spinning...

It started with Gabriel and me messing with each other's minds. That's typical, I can deal with that now, but... then it ... it turned into something... I cannot begin to understand. But it sparked Rose's interest that's for sure. I don't know if it was her, or if it was me, or if it Rose... or a combination of both, but the mental game took a spin and the next thing I know it was as if there was nothing but him and me... or her... or .. whatever it was. It was wild, animalistic, out of control... everything we used to have and more... but all on a mental plane that left me clinging to Ori and trying desperately to pretend I was asleep. I could not let Ori know of these sinful thoughts in my head, especially because i wasn't sure just who was creating them...

I thought it was over and done, but the next day he asked me to meet him at the hot springs at the far end of town. I was hesitant. I was still so confused about the night before.

Gabriel hates me... Doesn't he?

If he hates me then what is going on?

I thought maybe he would be able to help me make sense of things so I told Ori I was taking my dress into the dry cleaners and I would be gone for a little while... he went back to sleep and I headed out. Gabriel was there all ready when I got there. There was another little mental game between us before we ... did we decide to get in? Or did it just happen?... I don't know, all I remember was staring down at the water, wondering what the hot springs would feel like against my skin. It had been so long since I had been able to relax in one... We spoke a little more and I saw him slide closer to me. I felt his lips on mine but then... I ... I don't know what happened. It was as if I blacked out. The only thing I can think is that Rose took over. Took over in such a way that I was unable to have any clear idea of what was being done.

I woke the next morning face down in my pillow... I am not about to even TRY to describe how worn out I felt... but tingly at the same time... I curled up against Ori suddenly longing for his arms to be around me. I am afraid of what happened at the spring. If it is what I think it is... I pray Ori never learns of it.. or if he does he can understand and forgive that it wasn't me... Ori is too good a guy for me to lose over something like this. He's the only guy I know for a fact would be faithful to me. Someone I can count on. He's my friends and confidant. I trust him. My children accept him. He accepts them without question. He's the best man for me...

So why did I get this tingle of hidden excitement and seduction when I saw an appointment in my calender for a favorite restaurant of mine? Why did I get dressed up and tell Ori I was going out with friends for the evening and I would be home late?

He's so trusting he didn't even think twice. he promised he would treat me the way I always should have been treated which included giving me some kind of life... Ra... Ori you are so kind, so good... so good...

Yet he holds me back in one area...

he is very traditional. He ... how do I put this delicately... He is very skilled at what he does. But he prefers one position... a very traditional position and he seems to prefer to be the one in the controlling position. That isn't a problem with me, but sometimes I prefer things to go outside the bed... He has no idea that he could very well like having me on top from time to time... and here I go getting into a subject no one really has to know about...

Anyway- it's is calm and soft, very soft... Which is nice every once in a while... But when I saw Gabriel appear in that restaurant... I felt my face warm and my body automatically reacted to him... God help me, I barely kept myself in control.

I felt awkward when Gabriel asked me why I loved Ori... I thought we had gone over this Ra only knows how many times. He still blames me... for not being happy enough I guess... And when asked why he went for my sister, all he said was she made him feel good... Ra I suddenly wanted to knock that smirk off that face of his... I hated him for that. He said it on purpose... but he isn't the kind of guy who reacts well to direct physcial violence. To get back at him and punish him... there is only one way. Play his game and play it better. He said she made him feel good, but I know for fact that... *shifts uncomfortably* never mind...

We decided to leave before the check came and he took me someplace... different... Someplace exotic and royal looking. I was completely taken in. He told me there was someone there he needed to introduce me too, and I think my heart died when I saw Raven wandering the halls...

He introduced her to me as Yelena Suranto....

Now I got 2 things out of that.

1. She gave him a false name and her eyes begged me not to let on the truth of her identity, meaning something is going on and I hope to find out what it is soon...

and 2. .... She took Adrian's last name which seriously makes me think there is something she has kept hidden all this time. Either way, she and I seemed to come to a silent agreement- I keep her secret and she does not say anything to anyone else about my being at that palace...

Gabriel called for his son Xavier to keep an eye on her which concerned me, but suddenly Adrian's voice floated into my mind. He told me he was watching over her. I was floored when he said he would die for her if he had to...

Does he really care so deeply for her? But why? What has happened? Adrian... just did not came to me as the kind of guy who would give his life for anyone. Why Raven? Does it have anything to do with why she chose his last name for hers?

So many questions my head is spinning.... and then i was led into this room.... It was like a king's room and Gabriel said it was his...

Gabriel... he had his shirt off and he sat near me... I felt his hand on my thigh... his other hand in my hair... his breath whispered over my lips as he leaned in close to ask me if I would be his queen for the night...

God... Ori... forgive me....

I said yes....

How long can I continue to live this double life? Angel gave it up after 15 years, and Ori was blind to it the entire time... I don't want to take advantage of that innocence...

Why is Gabriel doing these things to me now? Why not earlier when we were together? Why now... What is his plan? Or has he finally realized that i was right... that I really am the only one who can work him the way he desires... the way he craves... the way he needs to be worked...?

He asked if we are friends and I said yes... but something tells me we are becoming friends... with secret benefits...

Take a deep breath... breathe... just breathe...

2007-01-16T09:21:00.000-08:00

(RP)

I don't enjoy anything more than the time I get to watch Gabriel interact with Orion. He is such a wonderful father and he is always so happy with his son. they play and wrestle some. Now that Orion is more mobile Gabriel is able to have even more fun with him with the games they play.

Yes, my life is complete. I feel safe and protected in Gabriel's arms. But most importantly, I feel extreme love in him. My life is perfect...

_____________________

(side)

Word has filled this home... Gabriel is dead. Zahara has been released from her blood vow, and he is gone... I know I shouldn't be- but I am greatly saddened by this. Though I don't know if I am saddned because it is just a death, o if I still had some great love for him I had kept buried in an attempt to protect what was left of my heart from him... Guess I will never know.

besides... what was felt for him no longer matters now...

Ori and I have officially gotten married. It was a nice little ceremony that I greatly enjoyed. He was so sweet through the whole thing. Orion even showed up. He has been so good through this whole thing. He really has accepted Ori better than I thought. He can be so much like his father sometimes it's scary, but he has really surprised me.

The only person who didn't know was Raven... We were unable to find her before the wedding. We agreed after that we would find her. The reception was nice and small. relaxing actually. and the night... we... it wouldn't be fair for me to reveal everything now would it? lol

Anyway- the next morning, we got ready and made our way to Adrian's palace.

And there, we were met with terrible news.

An accident had happened. My baby girl was terribly hurt. Something about an injury to her eyes, but the guy wouldn't tell me exaclty what. When we reached Raven's room we found her cradled by Adrian... he was holding her so.. so softly, gently, almost like a man saying goodbye to his wounded lover... I could smell the fear emanating form him. And Raven...

there was a cloth wrapped around her head, hiing her eyes from view. Adrian never really told us what happened either... only that she was going to be able to choose teh color eyes she wanted...

Change the color of her eyes? I don't understand. I've always loved those golden eyes on her. They seemed to shine with her light. But she said she could no longer stand to see them. They reminded her too much of her father.

I hadn't realized she was still being affected by his words and his choice. She loved him so much... So very much...

Ori spoke to her. Promised her he would be her father and always be there for her. She asked him a few questions. I could sense her thinking. She was plotting something. the next thing I knew she told Adrian that she had made her choice and whispered it to him. He spoke a chant and after a little while the cloth was removed.

It took her a little while to open her yes, but when she did...

She had Ori's eyes...

She has shown him the ultimate acceptance in him as her new father. I am not exactly sure what he thinks, but I was impressed...

If for some ungodly reason Gabriel wakes and returns... he will never recongize his daughter when he sees her. She has grown up and matured. Her hair isn't as dark as it used to be, her body has... "filled out" into a more womanly look, and her eyes are no longer gold... No .. he would never know she was his daughter.

Ori and I noticed though... The way Adrian held her, looked at her, cared and doted over her... I think we are both wondering just how close they are. He has been taken care of her in Gabriel's absence, but she was with Legato. Is there really something between Adrian and my daughter?

if there is, just how much of a something is there? how deep does it go...?

New start, new life...

2007-01-09T07:40:00.000-08:00

(RP)

I don't know this woman, but she threatened my life, my family... I couldn't let her get away with it. Gabriel was so badly hurt. He had this odd look in his eyes... I couldn't let him be the one to kill her. He has never taken a life as far as I know. I could not let him do so now. He almost seemed... fragile...

I waited until he was focused on her. He wasn't watching me as he knew i was trying to protect Orion. I closed my eyes and concentrated as hard as I could. I gathered my energy and managed to call forth a streak of lightning that atruck Oriana down.

But Gabriel seemed off. He was quiet and distant. Said he needed some time. He disappeared back to our home in Vegas. I have a plane to catch with Orion now. Gabriel, hun, I love you. Your son and I will be home soon.

Then, hopefully, we can get over this Oriana situation and just live our lives in peace...

__________________________

(side)

I guess Gabriel really did want me to be out of his life. he went after Ori to have him ask me to marry him. I am not cetain that Ori was ready, but he did so anyway. And I did agree, so I am now planning a wedding.

The only thing I really worry about is Rose. She has tried to go after Ori already once now. I need to bind her from ever returning again.

I am starting over, a wedding in a church, the white dress, everything. Ori even went to Orion and spoke to him, managed to convince Orion to come home. It will be nice to have my family back again.

Except Raven... she does not wish to return...I worry for her in all honesty. Legato was in her life, but Adrian guards her with a dark passion that could threaten anyone from her. She is caught up in a tiangle that could get her destroyed if she isn't careful. I do worry a great deal for her. Not so much when it comes to Adrian... More so when it comes to legato. He isn't like others. He is ... much different... and his difference kills. I just hope she is careful.

My sister seems off. She stares at her hand in shock. I admit a part of me feels like it is gone too.

...has something happened to Gabriel?

If it has... how will it affect everyone here?

I'm Strong, I'm weak- I'm not Shatterproof....

2007-01-01T17:15:00.000-08:00

(RP)

I can't believe it... i never thought I would actually see it. Gabriel couldn't let me go through with it I guess. I thought when I woke, I would never feel what it was like to hold a baby. But I was wrong.

Gabriel appeared to me... And when he showed me our son...

It was like a dream and I felt frozen in place. Where darkness w=once sat in my sight, my vision was clear. The empty feeling was gone. I felt lighter and ... I felt complete... He seems to have a lot of red in his hair, most be from both of us. Then again, there isn't much hair right now, but it will grow in soon enough. He has a combination of our eyes... red and gold... in each eye which is extremely unique. I can only take it as a symbol of how strong he will be when he is older.

Gabriel is really good with him. Very protective. He tells me he never wants to let go of his son... We called him Orion. A name meaning Son of Fire. A nice strong name. Orion Brooks.

My family is complete, I'm the happiest I have ever been, and I have Gabriel to thank. By allowing us to have our child... He brought light back into my spirit and soul.

Ever since this light appeared, I haven't sensed Rose at all. I am hoping that means she is finally gone and I am rid of her.

I can only hope.

I have my family, my life is finally going the way I dreamed... I don't want to lose it now.

I can't lose it ...

I won't.

*****************

(sidelines)

It's done... it's over... 20 years gone... just like that...

I thought it would be easy when I walked into that office. All he had ever done in my life was break me down. He hurt me everytime he turned around. But the moment he walked in and sat down....

Something twisted in me. It was like the whole thing became some kind of game. The lawyer began talking of separation of property and money and when it came out that Gabriel had 4 children during our marriage and I wasn't the mother, the lawyer told him he had no access to any money of mine. Gabriel tried to tell him that I had been unfaithful as well, but he had no proof.

No proof because there was nothing to prove.

I was loyal and true to him. Everyone knows this. Even though I was found in Ori's arms, nothing had happened that could be considered adulturous. He kissed me... but nothing more. And nothing really all that big either. and that was long after this marriage was over. Long after Gabriel kept disappearing, long after so many things. Our marriage was over long before Ori and I admitted how we felt for each other. Still he swore that I had been unfaithful. So I asked him to prove it.

That's when things grew strange... VERY strange...

Something snapped in that room, I swear. All I had to do was sign the paperwork and I couldn't bring myself to. There was something in the way Gabriel was acting that made me think he was holding something back. I wanted him to spill it. Tell me I mean... So I told him I wouldn't sign until he was straight with me on a few things. That really set him off.

He got really close to me and my head spun... but somehow I managed to keep my cool. He told me he didn't want to tell me what he meant by I wasn't innocent in our marriage because he didn't want to make me cry and throw the papers at him again... yes.. I threw them at him at the diner... Broke the mirror too- but when I got home I made a decision that I would never let him get to me like that again.

So when he got close to me, I stood and leaned just as close to him- almost kissing him- my heart was pumping so fast I thought it was going to explode from my chest. But I kept my voice even when I told him I was too angry with him to shed any more tears for him. He was no longer worth my tears.

He seemed so satisfied with himself... And when I dared him to prove that I was unfaithful he actually came around the table to face me. He told me he saw me with Ori- but I had explained that. He then grabbed me by my waist and pulled me right up against him.... I swear I lost my mind then... He pulled me closer, tighter against him... so close I could feel him... He practically growled at me to f*ck Ori, "f*ck him extra hard just for me" he told me.

I don't know what happened.. I had to toy back with him. Strike back the only way I knew how to... I tempted him... and he tempted back. It was a game with every set of words causing the heat between us to rise. he was so close to me, i wanted so badly to just rip his shirt off and throw him on the table... but I restrained myself... barely...

Ra... What is happening to me... I wanted him.. but his vow to Zahara... I could never do anything that would hurt him... No matter how angry I got with him,I never would have hurt him... But when he kissed me...

He kissed me...

I couldn't stop myself. I kick myself for it too because I basically told him with my kiss that I still wanted him- that was what he wanted... I sensed so much confusion in him though. Like we both knew what we wanted, we both fought against it... but we both were losing.

I told him I still had some tricks that I never had the chance to share with him... tricks my sister would never know.. and there are only so many things she will do- She will never completely keep him as satisfied as I could...

Which sounds horribly vain considering how many times he cheated on me...

We sucked as a couple I guess... but the heat was always there in the bedroom. Great lovers, yes... couple- no... Fought way too much over stupid things. And to be honest I have no idea just what all the fighting stemmed from. We always seemed to get along in the beginning...

Anyway- I trailed away...

His kiss, his touch, the feel of him against me.. I can't get it out of my head... The lawyer is just lucky he left when he did...

It's amazing how we can go at each other so passionately one minute... then turn around the next and then... well.. He tried to insult me again and I told him it wouldn't work. He said "Good, I hate weak women." ....I am not the weak women he thought me to be. I'm strong and I am weak at the same time.

But in the end... just as we were signing the papers... it was as if we came clean finally...

I wonder if he doesn't regret what he has done. He seems as thought he doesn't really love her like he said...

The kiss we share- the act we performed... he should have been destroyed...

After I got the papers finalized I spoke with my mother...

Seems because Zahara and I have teh same blood as twins- when he made that vow- he vowed to not only her, but to me as well...

He cannot be with anyone else...

But he can be with both Zahara and me...

If Ori ever learns this... He is not going to be happy...

And I have to be strong enough not to give in to Gabriel anymore...

If I can...

I made a promise to Ori... i have to remain true to them...

Ra.... I wish I could go without a heart- then I wouldn't feel so torn...

Lost in thought...

2006-12-28T08:26:00.000-08:00

I feel so empty... so lost and alone...

Because Gabriel asked it of me, I had the child we were expecting aborted. I thought I would be okay after it was done, but I feel worse. I didn't want to let it go. I loved that child. It was a part of Gabriel and me. After losing Ellena, I never wanted to lose another child. I can't help but think that I am being punished for my years as an assassin for Alexander. I fear that any time I am to be with child, it will be taken for me as an exchange for one of the lives I took.

My uncle told me that my son was alive.

I can't believe that. It can't be true. even if it was, it was too underdeveloped to survive. My son could not live past an hour... It just is not possible. Why would someone tell me something like that if it could never be true?

Or is it?

I don't know. I just don't care...

I feel like giving up. I feel like I need my son and my husband in order to move forward, but I can only have my husband. I can settle for that, but something will always be missing... But if Gabriel really fears that having a child will bring harm to me, then I shall remain childless.

Still, this depression is not one I can see myself climbing out of easily. Dorian tried and then Ori tried... I admit, Ori really was pretty good at helping me. he may not have done mch, but he did enough to at least calm me down and rest...

Now he has to get ready for his wedding... He looks awfully pale though. And confused. I do hope he will be okay...

****************

(side)

I guess I never realized just how strong Xavier's bite can be... He wa angry with Rose and because she is back inside my head again, I get to be the messenger for her again and the messages aren't always nice... Ori seems really concerned over the bite. It's kind of nice to actually have someone worry about me instead of fighting with me.
I want so badly to be worthy of his affection. I am trying so hard to live the Christian way he has described for me. I am glad I am not Catholic though... I'd be in the confessional quite often if I was... I can't help my mind wanders when I am with ori. And with Rose in my mind again waiting to take over control at any given moment, I have to be near Ori almost all the time in order to keep Rose back out of the way... I am guessing her old weaknesses have returned to her with a vengeance... She is very oddly quiet and subdued when Ori is not only near me, but especially when he is holding me.

He is a really good man to know what is going on with me and still accept me. Though I do sometimes wonder if because of his religion if I am only holding out for something I can never really have... I wonder if he could ever completely commit to anyone. I can wait patiently though. I seem to have infinite patience.

It's hard still seeing Gabriel with my sister. A part of me still loves him even after everything that's happened. But he seems so warm to her. There is no way he still has feelings for me at all. We pass by each other... and it's like he doesn't feel anything. I just wish I knew how he can move on and live like we never loved at all... what is his secret? Because it kills me everytime he gets near and I can't hold him... or be close to him at all.

He has moved on... Zahara has bonded herself to him. Ended her marriage completely so that she can be with him... I couldn't touch him if I wanted less he burn under my fingertips and be destroyed...

I guess he really does get to be the lucky one who moves on with his life... I may be stuck where I am for a while...

I love Ori, I do... I just wish I knew what to expect when it comes to us...

Lost in the Dark....

2006-12-20T13:12:00.000-08:00

(RP) I had hoped that things could change. But Gabriel is serious about this. He really wants me to end the life of our son. I made the appointment with Dorian and Gabe told me he would be with me the entire time…

I am scared. Hopelessly scared. I can’t believe I am about to lose a 2nd child…

I don’t think I want to… but for his sake, I have to… I only wish he was with me now…
With the chaos in this house for a wedding...

He seems to have disappeared…. Leaving me once more… alone…

*******************************

(Side) I am still trying to make so much sense out of things that have happened. I have no real clue to be completely honest. One minute Ori and I are sitting and relaxing, talking about church and sharing favorite passages in the Bible… yeah- he has piqued my interest in being a Christian, I have enjoyed it immensely- but the next minute, I feel this… odd sensation. Then a feeling overcame me that was all too familiar…

I was not alone in my mind any longer.

I still have no idea how it happened, but Rose and I were forced back into the same body once more. And that wasn’t all- Ori and Orifiel were, too. Somehow I had no control over anything. I was saying things I did not mean. Rose was reaching out to Orifiel’s darkness. I felt powerless to it all.

I was called out o the house and when I opened my eyes again, I saw the grey dimness of Theron’s old Palace… I never wanted to go back there… I hated it there… but I hate it worst as Alexander was somehow revived. Not only him, but Lord Theron. Thanks to Rose’s call of the darkness, I am condemned to remain in the confines of the palace.

There was a problem with Theron’s vessel though. My mother’s Hikari. She seems to have fallen victim to the darkness that once controlled her Power. I don’t exactly know what set her off, all I know is that it did not have good results. Well… not all good anyway. Kay told me that Angel’s Power could destroy Orifiel, freeing Ori from him completely. Not long after she told me that, there was this crushing force coming from the cage Theron had Angel in. I saw her eyes… her eyes- once so bright a blue had gone black as night. I could not sense any kind of light in her at all at the moment. Then there was this struggle.

Angel is not lost to the darkness- her Power is, but not her spirit and soul. She will always be a creature of pure light. Rose tapped into Angel’s mind to see what was going on. The Power destroyed Sandy… disintegrating her into ashes. It was started on Orifiel when she stopped it. She managed to pull Ori and Orifiel apart though. That was the most she wanted. Just for him to be free.

The struggle must have been too much for her though… Something happened she could not control. She screamed out and fell forward. She had us all scared. Ori… poor Ori… she was his first love … well after Sandy anyway… He always felt drawn to her as a friend at least. He owes her a great deal for setting him free. Maybe that’s why he seemed so concerned… Kay gave him the key to the cage and he went in after her. She wouldn’t wake up so we took her to Dais… he told us she went into a coma-like state. He thinks she is searching for something that she may never find.

Ori seems to think that Angel would get better if we found her a better person. We found one of her old friends. A history teacher at the university here in town. Sage was his name. I saw him look at her when we brought him to her. He looks down at her as a concerned friend. I hate to say it, but Ori’s idea- though it may have worked, might not be all she needs. Her heart was severely broken. She was betrayed and tossed away in such a way that I fear she may never recover. Ori and I continue to pray though… We will do so as long as it takes. Not like I can go anywhere anyway… Besides… all the praying in the world may be helpful… but after what I learned… I don’t know if she will ever wake…

The news that struck me…. Orifiel was dead.

She had protected him from the Power but he still was killed by another. Her love for him kept her going. She fell when his love was taken away. She fell deeper when his life was stolen as well. It is my fear… but there may be only one real way to wake her up… and I don’t see it happening now…

Theron has complete control of that Power now with no interference coming from her, from here on out…

Somehow we have to get her back…

And then somehow I have to figure out how to get rid of Rose….

She never cared too much for Ori’s wishes. She’d never understand… And I don’t want her doing anything to harm him either….

Note to self...

2006-12-13T09:32:00.000-08:00

Don't tell Gabriel that I am expecting our first child....

Something tells me he will not react as I would hope he would... I tried to tell him and he laughed like I was joking... So I guess I have come across the first secret I will have to keep from him...

I hate it...

I love him, but it looks as thought I will have to go through this pregnancy alone.

I wonder if Kiza had to do this...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sidelines:

Rose:

Seems Orifiel has a surprise for me....

What in Ra's name could it be?

Mrs. Gabriel Brooks...

2006-12-12T11:50:00.000-08:00

Yup, that's me ^_^

I never thought I could ever feel as happy as I do now. Vegas has been a blast. He has shown me so much around here, too. I don't know, but I get the feeling Vegas is like a second home to him. He just knows it so well. I swear I didn't think I would ever feel as happy as I have been. Gabriel... Thank you for making me the happiest woman in the world. I look forward to our future together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sidelines:

Sanura:
Things are odd... Orifiel and RIJ are always giving Ori such a hard time. I wish they would just leave him be and let him move at his own pace. If he ever decides he's ready for more than cuddling, then I will be ready for him. I respect him enouh to let him move his own way and not be forced into something he isn't ready for... He tells me he wants me. That's all I need for now...

Rose:
Ra did Orifiel get the shock of his life ^_^
Angel actually gave him permission to see me. See both of us lol He says it's the best gift he could have ever gotten. Glad to know I could be a part of it *sly grin* And with Angel on board... Orifiel is about to have the life of his dreams...

Every Rose Has It's Thorn....

2006-12-10T07:53:00.000-08:00

Sidelines:

And Ra do I have a big one.... Yes, this is Rose.. I quit writing a wile back, but... Something has been happening that confuses me... it makes me feel weird...

I had long since returned to me assassin ways. LONG ago.... Not long after returning to Theron's palace I guess you can say. Not long after Kay went back to her goody good self and Orifiel turned back to Angel. I was never the type to settle with anyone. I thought he knew that. But he... he kind of caught me with another and he snapped. I didn't see a problem wth it... but the age old saying comes to mind, "You never know what you have until it's gone." I never actually thought of Orifiel being mine though. Nor did I ever think of myself as his. We were a lot alike. Both dark in heart. Both enjoying the embrace evil gave us. Both laying with pretty much anyone it suited us... He has no idea just how much alike we really are. I have never made the other side of me that noticable. For my own personal reasons...

My life... seemed empty when he returned to Angel. But they seemed so right for each other. She completed him, gave him the light he needed in his life...

But I still sense an uneasiness within him when I am near.

I witnessed the crumbling end to RIJ and Sanura... to be honest I still don't quite understand why, but in the end... It was probably for the best... Still she aches for the wildness he brought to her. Ori... is good and all, but... he seems a bit too unsure of himself... He likes a woman who is herself and doesn't try to be who she isn't, but he can't handle a very forward woman either... A contradiction in himself of my own opinion... Or maybe the boy is just too shy for his own good... eh *shrugs* I'm no experct on love affairs... I stay away form the feeling if I can...

Unfortunately... It's a weakness of mine. Red and Orifiel locked onto it and used it against me...

They would catch me off guard and unprepared. Both would kiss me on the cheek... I am certain it wasn't Red who activated my shut down... I am almost positive it was Orifiel.... I always hid feelings that I'd had for him... I had a reputation to uphold.. then there was teh time we could have killed each other... I have a bad habit of masking what my heart feels by showing hate and contempt...

Red made a mistake when he disowned his daughter. She snapped and lost her light... Even under Adrian's care, she still managed to turn... She had one of Adrian's assassin's contact me and bring me to her. As a side thought- damn is that man hot.... And not so bad in the bedroom... or anywhere else I might add... *coughs* Back on point...

She hired me to take out anyone who had ever had anything to do with Red. Gave me a list and everything- I have to admit I was surprised by a few of the names on the list... Like Angel's... And Zahara- Raven's own aunt... But the name that stopped me was Orifiel's... When I met with my team I handed the names out, but I kept Orifiel's to myself... I wasn't sure I could handle his death... I knew the others would have no problem, but something inside me softens when it comes to him. I tried to plead to Raven to get her to change her mind. But she would not budge... I knew I had to. But I wasn't so sure I could.

Sure enough- Malik went first, Serenity... Sweet child, caught up in something she knew nothing about. Then Orifiel made a mistake... He returned to the palace. He came with Angel and Xavier, all of which were named... I did not really believe the others would seek out his wife and son so quickly... I got there in the middle of it all. Angel was barely hanging on and Orifiel... Dark yet sweet Orifiel... he was begging for her life. For hers and Xavier's... What little heart I had twisted... I couldn't let him suffer, but I couldn't get Raven to change her mind either. I approached him. I was ready to end it all... not only to fulfill the duty handed to me- but to free my heart from him... I begged his forgiveness.. I was ready... but Raven came to and she stopped me... Unable to face him... unable to see him with his family, I left.... That is the first time I remember ever really crying ...

Rose Hart... never cries...

She's not human... She can't feel such things... *whispers* She can't....

He has no idea that the Kay he was speaking to was me... Kay... was killed a few months back under orders of another. She walked right into the trap even before it was prepared... I watched- though I wish I had't... She seemed battered and bruised. I found it odd as I knew she had just been with Ori. I don't recall him ever being quite so violent. So either he has changed or someone got to her before we did.

Orifiel seems to like seeing Kay... I don't know why- he says he loves her... I didn't think people like he and I could love... But he says he loves Anel too which makes me wonder if he even knows what love is... He has a good woman in Angel... A loyal one. She's been good to Xavier too which I thought should account for something... But he is drawn by the same darkness that calls to me...

I didn't realize it at first... but when I woke up between Orifiel and Red... I hated that confusion. I hated that I had no idea what happened. I was handcuffed to Orifiel... Out of instinct I reacted with anger. He probably thought I hated him. Red got out before I could stop him. That left me alone with Orifiel.... That was a bad situation... One I had been wanting for such a long time, but the timing was wrong. He was someone's husband... Not just any someone- Angel.... A light that powerful.... I couldn't be the one to break her like that... I have a strange feeling within her. When I first made an appearance as Kay, he told "Kay" he loved her- instantly Angel seemed to stop breathing. I sensed it- a strong from of old magic. It gripped her and would not let go. To have him voice his feelings to another... I don't know if it would actually kill her... But something terrible would be the end result... If the former vessel of the Cerena Crystal turns evil.... She could very easily revive Theron.... and return the darkness to any who lost it. Adrian, Raven, Sanura.... all of us would be drawn together. I don't think Aurora knows this. Even I just learned it while going through some of Theron's things.

Still... I was there- with Orifiel... alone... Nothing like being cuffed to a man you have secretly wanted for so long... I had him... Right where I could have had him... and I could tell he was ready... But after a few kisses... Something stopped me... I don't know what, but I looked down at him and I knew I had to stop... It took a lot for me to. I usually never would have cared. Would have done it anyway... And I can't guarantee that if given another chance, I would be able to stop myself, next time...

I tried to explain it to him... He was hurt, disappointed, but hurt. I never meant to hurt him. I would have given anything to have laid with him just once more... But not in that house... not anywhere near her... And it could never be more. He has to keep his vow...

I am a killer... He says Stefan is my boyfriend... but he too is a killer... Like me it means nothing to go from bed to bed... We are like toys to each other...

But if I can't be with Orifiel...

Stefan is a nice replacement...

He at least understands me....

But that doesn't change what I feel in the end...

I'm Addicted....

wow....

2006-12-08T04:41:00.000-08:00

Just... wow... I don't think there is another word for it. At least there isn't one as far as I can think of right now. Everything seems to be happening so fast. Sometimes I wonder if I'm dreaming. After Aiden... After his death... *sig* I just never thought I would be able to love again. But when Gabriel is near me....

The fire I feel burning in my spirit is so strong. It's a high... like a drug... But it feels so good. It feels... well... it feels better than it ever did when I was with Aiden. I wonder.... Could this be Heaven?

It has to be. The moment he asked me to be his wife... My world stopped, but it felt so right. We decided to go to Vegas. I hadn't realized he had been there before.. Not that it mattered. The way to the airport, in the plane, the drive away from the airport.... Magical... I swear...

There was a woman there who didn't seem to like me much.... She knew him. He said they were friends a long time ago... I am left wondering if they were more and if it will be a problem later- but I won't worry too much. Nothing till stop me from being his wife.

Nothing...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sidelines:

I'm left being confused...

I am trying to be myself. But I'm not sure if it's what he wants... I thought I understood him to a point... we were friends after all... but... I guess I don't know him as well as I thought...

I just wish I knew how to move forward...

I wish he would just talk to me....

A surprise...

2006-11-29T06:50:00.000-08:00

Not too much has really happened for me. The only good thing is that Gabriel asked me to marry him... I said yes, because I do care deeply for him, But deep down, I can sense that things aren't like he hoped... I can't help but think he wishes he had asked my sister instead...

Still, he asked me... So I said yes. After all this time, we finally were able to be together. I was surprised when he actually stayed. I didn't think he would. But it was wonderful. I loved that I could wake up beside him in the morning.

I... I really do love him....

I fear this because Rose has become active again. I heard about it in the diner while Gabriel and I were out. The Black Rose Assassin struck, killing a man.

I have to work harder at keeping her under control...

____________________________

Sidelines:

Ra, what happened? I swear I have no idea....

I wanted to still at least be able to get along with RIJ, but no matter how hard I try he twists everything to make it sound like an attack on him. On top of that, he snaps at me, taking hits at me as well. Okay, I admit I hate that he went to my sister. But deep down I knew it was only a matter of time. Still...

A small part of me still loves him... harder still is it to look at what we are doing in the RP and feeling those feelings all over again- it makes me really just ... I lash out acting in hateful, spiteful ways to cover the horrendous pain I am masking in my heart....

I still love him... in secret....

Ori... is sweet.... quiet... *sighs* I no longer know what I am supposed to be doing. I fear that anyone I be with only wants someone like my sister so a part of who she is spills into my own personality. Not completely intentional... It just happens...

He's different from what I expected. I don't know what to expect anymore. I don't know what he's thinking. He doesn't really talk much to me and it seems all I do is make him uncomfortable.... Maybe he doesn't care about me like he said. Maybe it was out of sympathy he said those things. Maybe my fighting with RIJ has created a distance between Ori and me?... Fine... I'll remain quiet now. I won't let RIJ get to me...

I just wish someone would tell me what is wanted from me, expected from me...

Please?

4 years....

2006-11-20T07:22:00.000-08:00

A lot can happen in 4 years...

Like my sister finally getting married and having 2 kids. They are cute enough. A lot like their father. Nakia more than Cayden. Cayden acts more like his mother. He's quiet more often than not as well. It's odd to be around a set of twins who couldn't be more different from each other. Then again0 my sister and I are nothing really alike, and even my father and uncle have quite a few differences of their own.

I have to admit that seeing Nakia and Cayden so often... they are making me miss my own daughter even more again. I know she can never be replaced, but I would like the chance to be a mother once more. I am not so sure that will happen though... I care deeply for Gabriel, but...

Ever since Zahara and Blake got married- he's bee distant. Even moreso when the kids were born. Sometimes he surprises me and makes me feel like I am the only one... other times... it's like he's a million miles away. I've been back and forth between my home and Gabriel's. On rare occassions I was able to get him to make an appearance at my home for a few minutes- before we left again. Until he says something, I have no idea just how serious we are.

Rose is getting anxious. She hasn't been released in the entire 4 years that have passed. I have been surprised at how strong a hold I have been able to have on her. I notice it more when Gabriel is around. It's as if being around him weakens her. She remains very silent. Not like before... with Aiden...

I just wish I knew what was going on in his head... Does he want to be with me? Or is he just with me because he can't have my sister? I... I think I have fallen in love with him. I haven't felt this way in so long... It scares me. What if I have fallen for him...? What if my feelings aren't returned?

So many questions... so few answers....

____________________________

sidelines:

Things with Ori have been moving along well it seems. I am not use to a man so willing to show so much affection. It's a nice change. I have to admit it is still hard to see RIJ.... Even harder to see him with zahara. I can only imagine how Blake must be feeling... In one day he loses his wife and learns that his youngest daughter isn't even his... It had to have destroyed him.

It surprises me that it even happened. What was Zahara thinking? After everything she watched him put me through, this is insane. But it is her cross to bear not mine. Serenity is torn apart and I don't blame her. I swear my own heart twisted when i heard the truth of who her father was... It was just one more nail to slam into my heart about the truth of RIJ's infidelity. To think that Ori tried to tell me all those years ago and I didn't want to listen... I see now that I should have. RIJ just had this way... of making me blind I guess...

But Ori is different... He gives me a new kind of strength. I really do enjoy my time with him. I only hope he sees I am different from the other's he's had. For one I am very loyal. He will never have to worry about me straying away... I am wondering how to proceed with things though... He is awfully quiet... so once again I am left wondering what's in the mind of a Brooks man....

Sideline note....

2006-11-14T05:00:00.000-08:00

The sidelines are a bit different form the actual story it seems.... A LOT different.
I am still trying to figure it out really. It all happened so fast. Gabr- *sighs* ... RIJ had been gone more often than he was around it seemd. And when he was around- he was always sleeping. He went to the prom with some kid who apparently couldn't find a date her own age, and there was this scent... a scent I didn't recognize around him... female, and not someone I knew.

I wanted to believe he was being faithful... But I know his weakness for blondes. Especially those who were untouched. I am neither a blonde and with 3 kids total of my own- it is very obvious that I am not untouched. So that said, I guess you can say maybe he got bored of me more often than not...

I lived through the times when we just could not get along. Our relationship was always violitile at best. I swear half the time we spent the time trying to kill each other in a fight instead of working things out. I am used to being able to do my own thing and hated the feeling of being controlled. I could do so little without him getting mad and I basically gave my life up for him. Guys I had been friends with I was unable to see anymore for fear their scent could be on me and he would flip out. If a guy got too close, I had to shower almost immediately so he didnt get the wrong impression. But that was me. He was free to do what he wanted and if I thought to contradict him on that, he would get angry. Why was he allowed to be with other women and I could not even keep the friendship of another man? I never understood that about him.

But I never stepped out on him. I watched him kiss Sandy. I saw him in bed with my sister. I saw him with Asuka... I even know that he and Angel had something for a little while... I am not blind. They thought they were being sneaky and though Ori may not have ever caught on, I knew. It hurt very deeply, but by then we had not just one but 2 kids so I was trying to make decisions that helped the kids. They love their father, Raven ... she adored him. Looked up to him.

When he started to disappear again, it was hard for me NOT to think that he was up to his old tricks. He wasn't ... taking care of things at home.... to put it mildly... So I figured he had to either be taking care of himself, or he found another to take care of his urges with...

I loved him... I still love him. I hate that he made my life a living hell though. I was afraid to leave the house. I was afraid to talk to another man. Ra forbid Orifiel accidently lean too close to me while talking to Angel or someone... And Ori...

Ori and I used to be such good friends. He talked to me and helped me when I wanted to end it all. He convinced me to stay- though I don't really know why. At least I didn't then. I figured he was the one around when my own husband kept taking off to be with Asuka or whoever else he was with... It's why Orion was technically named after Ori. The one friend who stayed with me, even when I was forced to keep him at a distance. I hated not being able to maintain a friendship with him because of Gabr-... RIJ....

It's so hard not to call him by the name I have always called him. But that was something only done when we were together. I swear I will break if another man calls me Kitty or Kitten... I never want to hear that name again... No one better call me either of those 2 names ever again.... Not if I am to remain sane...

RIJ... he took my life from me and kept me controlled for so long I don't even know if I know how to move on like I should. A part of me is still longing for him to walk back through the door and say he's sorry and take me into his arms... But he would control me again. Even if he did, because I have allowed Ori to hold me, his scent is on me and RIJ would sooner kill me than hold me...

Why?

Why can he sleep around and have whomever he wants but a guy can't even give me a hug when I am in need of comforting without him flying off the deep end? Why have I remained loyal to him all these years, putting up with his betrayal and looking like a fool? The others have been right. I do deserve someone who will let me be myself... the problem is, I have been RIJ's for so long, I almost don't know who I am anymore... I would be too afraid to touch anyone else...

I still have the locket that he gave me. I'll never part with it because it tells me he loved me once. Somewhere in that twisted heart of his... he had to have loved me somewhere... I just can't believe it's over... and I did nothing wrong. Ori was trying to keep me calm. He was trying to help me when RIJ acted like whatever afterlife he was living was more important. He had another woman he had been seeing, I know he did. She became more important than whatever we had. Things had been going so good until he started disappearing again. Because of his past, it is hard not to think that he would not betray me again. It was because of his unfaithfulness that Rose was reborn within me again and I was forced to find a way to get her a body of her own.

What I hate more is the fear of how the kids are. Orion has disappeared. He was so angry... so hurt... he couldn't speak. RIJ had sealed a part of himself within our son in order to bring him back to life when he was stillborn. Much of his father is within him... I fear he may never return... And Raven.... I don't know what happened... But she took it even harder than Orion. She broke down and started screaming and crying and then was silent. I could feel her shaking. I could feel the trembling of the ground. It reminded me of my Uncle when he is violently upset. Adrian appeared, scared too death. his face was pale and he tried to get her to talk to him. Listen to him... but wherever her mind had gone to, there was no reaching her. He finally sedated her and took her away to his hideout... He fears she will turn evil as Adrian's kind can do if hurt deep enough. Knowing how much she loved her father... hearing him say he no longer wanted her and her brother and he was going to be starting a new family.... that would be just the kind of pain to turn her. I fear for RIJ now... If she turns... he will forever be her target. She will never let him be at rest... He needs to make peace with her if he is to avoid her wrath... though it is just hurt really that sparks her ways... She love him and he turned her away for some other blonde he met at some bar.

To think this all started because he walked into the kitchen and saw Ori trying to comfort me. He was being so kind to me, telling me so many sweet things. Telling me I deserved better and that no man was worth changing myself for. He is right, but I had been willing to do anything to keep RIJ. Anything...
It was when I said that I was destined to be alone and never happy.... he stopped me. He told me there was someone out there who did love me for who I was. I didn't believe him. And even if a part of me did, another part was still holding on to that dream that RIJ would walk into the kitchen tell me he was sorry and for once come clean and tell me the absolute truth about everything- something he has never been able to do in his life....

But then Ori said it....

He said he loved me...

But how long has he loved me? Has it been all this time? Or was he just saying it to make me feel better?

I can relax around him... He makes me smile. He doesn't seem to hold me back either... I've always loved him as a friend. Deep down I always knew that I cared for him a little more. Especially when RIJ and Angel were away and Ori and I would just sit and talk... I could always trust him. I can see a possible future with him. But ... my heart still yearns for RIJ too... I still love him so much that to see his picture or hear his name... it tears me apart... I never wanted to lose him. But a part of me... I know I never really had him. not while he continued to let so many other women have him. I never would have been against female friends of his, as long as I could have had male friends of my own. His female friends all had a few things in common. Long blonde hair and an innocence to them that could never be compared to any other. He needed the feel of being the first for them. I don't understand it. I never will...

I hope he is happy with her. Whoever she is. And I hope she can tolerate his cheating ways. I hope he can handle the tears when she sees him or hears of him with another after she's no longer virginal and he needs that innocence once more. And I pray to Goddess Isis that he never brings any more childeren into this world that he can hurt... Seeing the pain in Orion and Raven's eyes... it was too much ... How can he turn on them I will never know. But I fear it was a grave mistake...

Ori knows it will be hard for me so soon after RIJ... he is being patient, but he is courting me now. So far he is doing everything I always wanted RIJ to do... He is treating me the way everyone says I should have always been treated...

But I fear something within him. He says he's done bad things that he hasn't been able to be cleansed of. That he is a bad person to be involved with. What could Ori have possibly done? I once heard RIJ tell me the same thing... does this mean that if I take a chance with Ori that once again I will be hurt and broken? Will I face the same fate with Ori that I did with his brother?

There is no way I could recover if that was to happen.

I have been broken enough times in my life. I can't handle anymore. I just want to love and be loved. To be treated with the same respect that I show. I know Ori can be a very jealous and possessive man- I watched him with Angel... especially after she choose Orifiel... but he knows how loyal a woman I am after watching what I have put up with out of RIJ for the past 20 years... He must know that if he takes me to be his.... I will be with no other.

Love is not a game to me. It is a serious emotion that should never be toyed with. It is true my heart is broken... Shattered completely... But in time... Maybe just maybe, I will be okay once more...

Maybe...

hmmmm...

2006-11-09T23:23:00.000-08:00

Odd how things in my life go... One minute I am fighting with my sister and the next... Well... I am fighting with Kedar on my parents' property after their home explodes...

It seems teh explosion was to teach me a lesson in betrayal... They consider me a traitor0 they meaning Theron's army... Of course he should know I have always been his enemy by blood rite. Anyway- thankfully everyone made it out all right. They are staying at the Sheridan while repairs are made. Rose and I decided we needed a drink or 2... or 3 to calm down...

I find it odd that in all the places in town, Rose sets us up to drink at a strip club... Odder still is that I find Gabriel there...

he is clearly drunk, and after a few so am I... we go dancing until he passes out on me, I teleport us out of the club and into an alley where he wakes up very confused on how my small frame could have possibly moved him... Magic knows no limits.... trying to explain that to him though oddly was very hard. He knows of magic, yet he acts like he can't believe I can have access to it.

Anyway- he was going to take me home till I told him I didn't have one. He eventually invited me to remain with him for a little while- until the repairs were done anyway. the ride on his motorbike was exhilarating though. I enjoyed it. However... he was furious when he found Zahara and Blake in his room... I guess I hadn't realized my sister had been injured in the explosion... Blake took her away and while Gabriel busied himself in the bathroom, I slipped out of my clothes and into the bed I used the last time I was there. The sleep was actually very restful... and I have to admit, waking up to his kiss was a wonderful feeling.

I have to be careful... I am afraid to fall in love again... but it tugs at me... it wants me to fall for him. but he loves my sister, he told me as much. How can a man who loves her, possibly love me?

I still feel like I am constantly following under her shadow and I hate it. I care deeply for him and Ra help me I could have somehow allowed myself to love him... but I fear this love.... I fear that in the end it will destroy me...

2006-10-28T15:05:00.000-07:00

Ra... how in the world do I get myself into these things. I stepeed in between a fight my sister was having with a man I remembered from my history with Alexander... Gabriel Brooks... I was stunned when i first saw him. He face... twisted in pain and anger... I had flashbacks of the look in his eyes when Kiza was killed... To know that my sister was the one causing him this pain sent me reeling. I knew I had to stop it. He was surprised when I stopped the last attack meant for him. He didn't remember me. I think for that I am glad. I'm not sure what he would do if he knew.

My sister... she never thinks... guess that's what comes from living such a sheltered life... She had our family around her. I had darkness as my only family. She knows nothing about true survival. To literally have to fight to remain alive. This was her first true fight, I could tell. She was inexperienced. She would have eventually been overpowered... At his mercy... Though a part of me feels he would have enjoyed having her at his mercy... *sighs*

The emotions stirred in seeing him again... I am left feeling confused... I get the feeling he is too. One moment he is kind.. quiet... the next he is snapping and angry. He thanks me for bringing his burn cream, then as I am leaving he stops me... only to tell me to get lost... Then later that night he calls to meet me... My head is swimming with questions. I get to the beach as he asked and then he can't seem to leave the beach fast enough.

I go home and expect toget ready for bed. I was tired anyway. Out of the blue he calls again... I was ready to think this game of his had to stop. But he invited me over to his home. I made sure this time that he was sure before appearing over. We talked some... there is... something there I can't quite seem to understand yet. He... he challeneged me... He took my hands and burned them... I still am uncertain as to why he did that... But afterwards, he lightened up when I willingly sat down to drink hot chocolate with him. Some times he seems so light hearted... he's confusing beyond all reason... I know there is something within him concerning my sister... Spoiled rotten, she always gets what she wants, I swear...

She is my sister still... it would be unkind of me to speak ill of her... He set up an extra bed in his rom for me. Though he apologized in advance if he woke me in the middle of the night. Seems he had... a ... job... of some kind to perform that night. Rose stayed awake in my head, tempting me to join him... but I refused... just before his job showed up, he pulled me close and said he was saving me... I am still not sure how to take that... I had to be careful though while I slept...I hadn't realized I would be staying the night... I wasn't exactly prepared... So come morning it was hard not to move when he approached the bed I was resting on.

It's been so long since I had someone wake me with a gentle kiss... I thought I had actually gone to sleep and had dreamed it... It was very awkward at first... I wanted to reach out to him, but I knew that wouldn't be right. He waited for me to get ready and then we went downstairs to get something to eat. I still couldn't get over what all had happened...

Malik... I remember him... he isn't such a bad guy. just done so many bad things that it's expected of him. But when you catch him at home... he's rather quiet. Something was deeply bothering him though. Not sure he would talk to me, but he definitely seems to have even more on his mind than I have on mine. He said he hadn't slept very well. Gabriel offered him to use his room while we were gone today. He actually looked relieved...

Gabriel and I stopped to see Zahara before we left... I don't know why it bothers me... It shouldn't ... not like he loves me or we are together or anything... But Iswear, my heart cringed when I saw him kiss her. Then I just grew angry.. She has that thief.. why does she need to capture Gabriel too? Why does she need both?

Will I always have to compete with her? Will I always be at war with my own sister? Things were better for Gabriel and me at the diner. We've been seeing each other for a little while since on and off... But still.. I have no idea what to expect... and with Zaharq there almost every single day... I have no idea how to react to things. Are Gabriel and I a couple? If we are, should I be jealous? Demand she stay away form him?... Or do I just go on my merry way and live the life I was once unable to live ....

If not one thing, it's another...

2006-10-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

Ra... how in the world do i get myself into these things. I stepeed in between a fight my sister was having with a man I remembered from my history with Alexander... Gabriel Brooks... I was stunned when i first saw him. He face... twisted in pain and anger... I had flashbacks of the look in his eyes when Kiza was killed... To know that my sister was the one causing him this pain sent me reeling. I knew I had to stop it. He was surprised when I stopped the last attack meant for him. He didn't remember me. I think for that I am glad. I'm not sure what he would do if he knew.

My sister... she never thinks... guess that's what comes from living such a sheltered life... She had our family around her. I had darkness as my only family. She knows nothing about true survival. To literally have to fight to remain alive. This was her first true fight, I could tell. She was inexperienced. She would have eventually been overpowered... At his mercy... Though a part of me feels he would have enjoyed having her at his mercy... *sighs*

The emotions stirred in seeing him again... I am left feeling confused... I get the feeling he is too. One moment he is kind.. quiet... the next he is snapping and angry. He thanks me for bringing his burn cream, then as I am leaving he stops me... only to tell me to get lost... Then later that night he calls to meet me... My head is swimming with questions. I get to the beach as he asked and then he can't seem to leave the beach fast enough.

I go home and expect toget ready for bed. I was tired anyway. Out of the blue he calls again... I was ready to think this game of his had to stop. But he invited me over to his home. I made sure this time that he was sure before appearing over. We talked some... there is... something there I can't quite seem to understand yet. He... he challeneged me... He took my hands and burned them... I still am uncertain as to why he did that... But afterwards, he lightened up when I willingly sat down to drink hot chocolate with him. Some times he seems so light hearted... he's confusing beyond all reason... I know there is something within him concerning my sister... Spoiled rotten, she always gets what she wants, I swear...

She is my sister still... it would be unkind of me to speak ill of her... He set up an extra bed in his rom for me. Though he apologized in advance if he woke me in the middle of the night. Seems he had... a ... job... of some kind to perform that night. Rose stayed awake in my head, tempting me to join him... but I refused... just before his job showed up, he pulled me close and said he was saving me... I am still not sure how to take that... I had to be careful though while I slept...I hadn't realized I would be staying the night... I wasn't exactly prepared... So come morning it was hard not to move when he approached the bed I was resting on.

It's been so long since I had someone wake me with a gentle kiss... I thought I had actually gone to sleep and had dreamed it... It was very awkward at first... I wanted to reach out to him, but I knew that wouldn't be right. He waited for me to get ready and then we went downstairs to get something to eat. I still couldn't get over what all had happened...

Malik... I remember him... he isn't such a bad guy. just done so many bad things that it's expected of him. But when you catch him at home... he's rather quiet. Something was deeply bothering him though. Not sure he would talk to me, but he definitely seems to have even more on his mind than I have on mine. He said he hadn't slept very well. Gabriel offered him to use his room while we were gone today. He actually looked relieved...

Gabriel and I stopped to see Zahara before we left... I don't know why it bothers me... It shouldn't ... not like he loves me or we are together or anything... But Iswear, my heart cringed when I saw him kiss her. Then I just grew angry.. She has that thief.. why does she need to capture Gabriel too? Why does she need both?

Will I always have to compete with her? Will I always be at war with my own sister? Things were better for Gabriel and me at the diner. We've been seeing each other for a little while since on and off... But still.. I have no idea what to expect... and with Zaharq there almost every single day... I have no idea how to react to things. Are Gabriel and I a couple? If we are, should I be jealous? Demand she stay away form him?... Or do I just go on my merry way and live the life I was once unable to live ....

How odd...

2006-10-01T10:26:00.000-07:00

It's weird the things I get myself into. This won't be a long post, I can promise..

I have been working for Seto Kaiba for a little while now. Unfortunately.. Rose has to be a part of it. I guess you can say she slept us both to the top. We are his persoanl assistants. I hate it though... it means I am always on call for him... and not always for work...

I thought when Rose started hanging out with this guy Orifiel, she would grow up some and maybe calm down. Nope- behind his back the entire time they were seeing each other, she was with Seto... and anyone else she could graps. Orifiel learned the hard way when she brought a guy named Malik back to the house. Odd thing is though... For some reason I was allowed to experience parts of this... It was like sometimes it was me and sometimes it was her. Never has that ever happened before. Not sure what it means either except that Malik technically had 2 women to himself...

Anyway- Orifiel hasn't been back since... at least not to see me or Rose. I've seen him around. I guess Mother's Hikari knows him. She has such a beautiful little girl. I am curious though. The little girl has the same spiritual feel I get from Orifiel. Angel won't say one way or another when I ask if Serena is Orifiel's. All she will say is that Serena's father had died. But Serena's eyes... I only know one person with eyes that shade of blue... One day if he comes around he will ask her. If she tells the truth... I can't help but wonder what he'll do.

It's hard seeing her with Serena. I still miss my baby girl. Elena should be with me... But at least she is with her father in the Heavens...

*looks at pager* ... I guess it is time for work again... Nothing like feeling like a high priced escort... there are times I wonder if the money is even worth the humiliation Rose continuously sets me up for...

Life ended... and begun again...

2006-09-18T19:16:00.000-07:00

That night... No matter how many times I try, I cannot lose the memories of that final night. The job went through. But so many lives were destroyed. Aiden... Ra, Aiden...

I could do nothing for him. He fell apart.. like a toy torn by a child... He fell... red was everywhere... I couldn't understand it... I stared down at his eyes so full of love... I felt his grip lessen on my hand... then it fell... The light in his eyes gone. Shattered by the dark. A man showed up too late to help us. Too late to help me. I was taken, bound and gagged as the army fell upon Kiza's home. I screamed. I pleaded. I begged, but my words could not be heard. Finally I contacted Kiza mentally. I pleaded for her forgiveness. She granted me that. Her eyes were always kind to me. Sad.. but kind. Even after the hellish torture Alexander submitted her to. I wished I could take her place. I wanted so desperately to take her place. And then RIJ showed up... He was there as the wire was drawn. She fell as Aiden had.

I don't remember much more about that night. I remember being put into a police car and Rose weakly reminding me I couldn't go to the station. We were driven past another accident. I sensed death in that car, too. But I als sensed a strong power. An ancient power. I think I was near the power that Alexander had been looking for all this time. I think I found it that night. But I used the last of my strength to teleport out of that car and to a nearby woods.

I don't know how I got there, but I woke up in a strange room on a strange bed. There was a blond looking down at me with lavender eyes. Beside him, the man who had appeared in Alexander's hide away. He told me he was my uncle. that my family had found me at least.

I had given birth to a baby daughter, but she was stillborn. I was able to give her the name Aiden had wanted to give her... Elena, after his mother. After that, I never saw her again. She was taken away from me.

I stayed with The lavender-eyed man for a few days. I learned his name was Marik. He's a sweet guy. His guardian keeps me on edge.. but more than that... RIJ was taken into that home as well... I was glad to get out of there when I was able to. Since then I have returned to my family.

3 years have passed. Rose has enjoyed the company of a man named Orifiel Brooks. I don't want much to do with him... But he continues to come around. Luckily for me, I have taken a new job... the problem is the man I work for is kind of a perv. But I am his personal secretary and so the pay is better than anything else. I can tolerate him for a while at least...

Still... I just want some sleep- between Rose and Orifiel and my job... on top of the nightmares and constantly thinking I see Aiden everywhere I look...

I am beginning to feel like I am just a zombie in this life. No one can really help me. I have to help myself... the question for me becomes a matter of how...

The time is near...

2006-09-01T11:55:00.000-07:00

Sanura:

...And I really don't want to do this. I am not so sure I can do this. I have been relying on Rose to handle the last few jobs I was sent out on because I just didn't have the energy. There was a battle with a woman who kind of looks like me only without the blond in her hair. I was shocked hen I first saw her. I wondered if we were related- would have asked her too, but Rose was in battle mode. I can never break through when that happens. Still- Even Rose has been feeling odd lately. Weakened more easily than she used to be.

2 weeks from now is the planned attak on the Germain Family. I can't do it. I just can't. Aiden has been watching her. We stopped one attack on baby Riza. Believe me.. my back is still feeling the punishment from that act... Took Dais and Venus more than an hour to dress the wounds Alexander inflicted on me. He said that would be my only warning. If I even thought to betray him again, I would receive far more worse.

On top of that, I have been blacking out more lately. Aiden brought me to my room, but Alexander followed, bring Dais in as well. Tests were done and Dais gave me a strange look. He waited until Alexander left the oom to check on something before telling me that I was going to be a mother. I thought Aiden was going to fall over. He has been overprotective of me since then and Rose has practically disappeared. Something about the pregnancy has been shutting her down. But this means I have to deal with the Germain slaying while in this condition. Aiden doesn't want me to- but he also did one thing more...

My name has officially become Sanura Winters.

It was a secret ceremony. Small and completely informal. When our child is born, Aiden's last name will go to the child. As for our orders...

Aiden and I are going to talk to Kiza, try to get her to leave. If that doesn't work, we are going to have to at least try to save Riza. After that... it's up to fate...

Evil continues...

2006-07-17T14:55:00.000-07:00

Sanura:
Well.. it seems no matter how hard I try something always goes different from what was planned. I tried my hardest to keep her back, but Rose broke through... She really made it sounds as though she had her way with this Ori guy... I wonder how he will feel when he hears of these rumors... I don't have time to think much of it though. She finally got us away from the girls and gave me back control.

I wandered into the library and found Kiza and RIJ. They are so cute together.. sadly, their attempts at hiding their relationship have failed miserably... if they aren't together people have to think they are SERIOUSLY involved lol. But there was something strange...

There was a man there with short tri-colored hair like my own. I didn't get a really good glimpse of him, but being around him made me feel odd... like I should have known who he was...

I got the books I would need then met back with Aiden. I couldn't wait to get out of there though... it's odd how I've been so sick lately... It doesn't make any real sense to me at all. At least Aiden has been careful. He has been helping me hide the sickness from Master Alexander as well. I am afraid to go to Dais. I really can't have news of this get back to Lord Theron... It would be dangerous for me...

Aiden and I agreed we would go back to the school during the production of Romeo and Juliet. Kiza had a part in it. We got lucky and met RIJ and their daughter Riza face to face. RIJ and Aiden almost seemed to become friends. It was nice to see. I wonder if RIJ could sense that Aiden and I are different from others as well and that is why he was okay with us.. kind of helped that Riza seemed to take to us pretty easily.

I had a problem though early on...

Rose:
That would be where I come in *smirks*
Apparently the teacher directing this stupid play thought Sanura was that Sandy chick again. She tried her hardest to fight with the teacher to get out of being in the play but when these 3 guys came up and dragged her away... *sly grin* I knew I had to get involved...
They weren't that bad looking for school kids... And Ra... that one redhead... I can see making a trip to his place some night for a second round... One of them had to leave before the fun began and the last one.. well.. had to go onstage before we could finish what he had started *grins* He was cute enough, I may seek him out one night as well...
I can deal that they call me Sandy.. I've been known by many names over the years since I was created within Sanura. Sandy is plain.. but suitable... Those boys best be watching themselves at school.... who knows when one could be grabbed away for an in between class romp x3 .

Anyway... everyone was so distracted afterward I was able to get away. I let Sanura retake control for the sake of our cover and then once that dreadful play was over I couldn't wait to get out of there. Ever try remaining locked away inside a person's mind when they are .. "in the mood"? I couldn't wait to get out on my own...

I did wait though. Patiently until Aiden went to sleep, sealed Sanura within her mind so she could rest and not stop me. Then hit the town. Met a fiesty blond at the bar.. Ra was he ripe for the picking... Well built, gorgeous eyes, sensuous lips.. either he worked out or he was extremely gifted... He liked the name of my drink and we struck up an acquaintance. Once I was sat on his lap though, I could tell he was gifted in other places as well... *smirks* I figure if Sanura could have fun, I could indulge a bit as well...

So yes.. I let him take me to his home. Had a really wild night. Ra.. he actually made me shiver.

I hear noises outside the bedroom. I think that's my cue to take off. I hate the morning after confrontations.. I'd rather be the dream that got away. If I am lucky I can get out of there without having to explain anything from whoever is in the other room...

Scared of the future...

2006-07-09T17:37:00.000-07:00

That's all I can really say. I am scared.

I'll start at the beginning... as far as I can remember that is.

My Name is Sanura Hart. Much of my life I thought Lord Theron was my true father. My caregiver was Master.... no.. not my master... Lord Alexander. I Have not known much about myself until now. I was trained to be an assassin. I was good at what i did too. I won't deny it. I had to be. Alexander had placed a spell over me, creating this alter personallity that resides within me they call Rose. When on the job, she has to take over. She has all my skills, all my power, but none of my personal drawbacks. The only thing that seems to weaken her is emotion. I have only recently learned that as well. Still.. knowing she is there, hearing her whisper in my mind... It's enough to drive me insane soem nights. I do everything I can to suppress her.

Like now.

In my searches I have learned that Lord Theron is not my father. My parents are alive and well. They have been searching for me. I just haven't yet been able to find a wa to get a message to them without Alexander's knowledge. If he learns it goes to Lord Theron and it's all over. I want to find my parents. I want to tell them I am hapily engaged to someone with a heart so pure... he did not belong here any more than I do. He was forced into it in order to spare his parents' and siblings' death. We have agreed to find a way to help each other become free. But it's worse than just us.

Alexander has been given a new target for us. One Mr. Germaine. Orders are everyone in the family goes. The file says an ancestor of his stood against Lord Theron. He is looking for revenge against those who's families did the most damage. Germaine was at the top of his list. Besides my parents.

Germaine has a daughter. A beautiful teen named Kiza. Aiden and I have been looking into her. We have learned of her secret marriage and her daughter. A mortal girl... married a dark immortal. She saw past his darkness and shed light upon him. I told Aiden I could not do this one. I refused. He agreed.

So now I have enrolled in her school in an attempt to befriend her. I am hoping I can gain her trust before telling her of her fate and giving her the chance to flee...

Something odd happened once I was in the school though... I sensed a strong source of magic within a girl with red hair. She was cute. But I wonder if she realizes her strength. Even more strange, these girls grab me out of no where and take me into a washroom. They insist on calling me Sandy and ask me questions about some guy named Ori and his brother RIJ.... RIJ, I recognize. RIJ is the name of Kiza's husband.

There is trouble in this. I sense Rose trying to break free. She wants to have fun with the girls in the washroom. She wants to play up the part of this "Sandy". I am worried about how far she will take it though...

I cannot allow her to gain complete control... It could be a while before I can get it back...

A choice to be made...

2006-06-18T12:09:00.000-07:00

( post, June 13, 2006)

And it is not one I want to make. But the time he has left me to myself has shown that I have to make it. He left long ago. Physically... Mentally... emotionally... I don't think he was ever really here. So the bags are packed... I just bide my time....

The past 19 years ... I have lived nothing but a lie. I tried to pretend that things were okay. That things would get better, but I was wrong. I have no choice but to believe that now. He never came home from his walk. Which pretty much confirms my suspicions of another in his life. While I could easily find out who she is... I think I would rather not.

I don't know know what more I can do. I have been patient, and kind. I have been caring, and as understanding as I can possibly be. I know I was not his first love. I know Kiza is still in his heart to this very day. If she has not come back into his life, he has found another who is much like her. And he craves that light. It's a drug to him. It keeps him alive. I cannot give him that. My light was stolen from me when I had no chance to fight it, and I shall be punished for it, for eternity.

Nights like this, I wish I had just remained dead. Where I was, I was forgiven. There was no pain. There was no fear. No fighting. Only love. Unconditional, undying, eternal love. The light... It was so bright and it called to me. It wanted me. And I wanted it. I reached for it. I had nearly gone into it, when I heard him cry out for me. My spirit tore. My soul... it had no idea what to do. He loved me then and I knew that. So I went back for him. I went back to dry his tears. To hold him close one more time. To tell him everything I wanted to tell him... I felt my soul being pulled back. I was ready to go after I had let him know the truth of everything in my heart. It killed me to leave him, but my body was already dead.

I reached the light again and pulled open the door. But then I felt this searing pain. It was all over. Where my arms and legs and my head had been severed from my body, it was nothing but pain and agony. I screamed and I fought it. The light was going to claim me again. I could finally have back what was taken from me...

But now it's gone. Beyond my reach again. The pain... I feel it constantly like a fire trying to burn it's way through my body. I try desparately at night to be rid of that pain. I have finally begun to cut deep enough to leave the scars behind. But no one sees them. Even in the hot summer's I have doomed myself to wearing long sleeved shirts. If my family found out what I had been doing... They could never understand the pain. They could never understand what drove me to this... My Uncle... he'd never forgive himself for not seeing the signs.

But it would not be his fault. I kept them hidden from everyone. No one ever saw my tears. No one ever knew of my fears. What is eternal life worth in the end? I have seen so many things... I have done, many more horrors than I ever care to remember. I have lost the one I loved, and when I finally gave love a second chance.... He turned away from me. The darkness within me curses him. He can never see passed it. And he never will.

The children may not be old enough to understand, but they are old enough that they don't really need me anymore. RIJ has his other lover. He will be well taken care of. Angel has been a good friend to him. I know she will help him through whatever demons are in his soul. I trust her in that. The kids... If RIJ never comes home, they will have people they can go to. My family, Ori and Angel, Bakura and Zahara... They would not be left alone.

The light may no longer call for me. But neither does teh darkness. And so I walk the paths of purgatory. I am neither a child of Ra, or Osiris. But my time has come. I cannot remain in this lie. My fate has been decided. This time.. there is no coming back. For where I go... no one will be able to reach me...

So my family... I love you. I love you all. And I know you dont understand. But this is something... I have to do now. Please Uncle, don't be sad. And Don't worry, I'll be all right. Everything will be fine. See? I'm even smiling... One day we will meet again. I promise. But the pain, has grown to be too much... I have to do something about it before it consumes me. Remaining in this home... the home we've had for the past 14 years... It is no longer my home.

RIJ... My dearest... I love you with all of me... and I'll never forget you or the way you changed my life. You gave me, a beautiful family, and allowed me the opportunity to experience love once again. I never thought thought that would be possible. But you showed me... I do hope you find the one you are looking for. I want you to find happiness. To find the light I could not give you. I'll always be near you. Watching over you. Somehow.... But you may never see me. You'll never even know I'm there...

Goodbye....

****************************************

Rose:

*looks up* ... You know... I typically would make some snide ass remark about how sappy and emo-ish that sounds... but I guess I have changed a little over the years... I almost feel sorry for her... I may try to help her... MAY.... I do still have a rep to uphold afterall....
And it isn't like I can change the past.... What's done has been done... She can pray and wish all she wants, but it won't change a thing...

I have to wonder what my other half has in mind though.... perhaps I should consider taking a look...

As for me? Nothing to tell... sleeping mostly while healing from my battle with Kay.... It isn't over yet.. it won't be until one of us is dead... the question becomes which one of us will it be?

Happy Birthday...

2006-06-18T12:08:00.000-07:00

(Posted June 9th, 2006)

Happy Birthday to my dearest, RIJ!!!

I love you honey!

I have a few plans. Nothing big as I know he isn't one for parties, but I wanted to treat him extra special tonight. He has been going through so much and I get the feeling he thinks he has to handle it on his own. He's so stubborn. I just wish he knew he could turn to me. I wish he WOULD turn to me. I don't know where he goes when he leaves for his walks, but he always comes back more peaceful... I guess I should be thanking the one he turns to... but I can't help but hate her at the same time. And I don't even know her. I just can't help but wish he would turn to me.

I guess that's why I have asked Angel to take the kids for the night... possibly the entire weekend. I am hoping a little time on our own will help him see I am not that bad. Rose was my darkness and she is gone now. The part that kept me hidden from having any kind of happiness... it's gone. I am free and finally happy. My father says there is a light returning to me again. With Rose gone, I no longer have a reason to feel guilt for things done. The rightful killer is out and can be dealt with. I can finally be ME. The daughter of Atem and Aurora. I can have the same light in my soul that my sister and brother have.

A part of me feels as thought RIJ can't see that light though. I think another light has him blind to my own. And it hurts. But he still tells me he loves me. He still holds me at night. He still gives me that heartmelting smile. I still love him with all of me. I couldn't be happier.

Well... yes I could....

I would be happier if he would not turn to the one he has been. But it is going to be up to him. The kids are old enough to understand. It has gone on for so long the only thing I can figure is that the truth hasn't come out to protect the kids. They don't need to know about the possiblity of problems at home. We have pretended everything was alright for so long. The children have never seen me cry. I refuse to let them see anything more than a smile on my face. My fears..They are saved for this blog.. My tears... they fall only when he is gone. Not even HE has seen them. I won't let him see me fall. I won't let him see that I am weak.

All he will see is happinees and love when he looks into my eyes. That is all he needs to see.

RIJ, I love you. No one can love you more than I do. I can promise you that. Maybe the gift I have for you will prove it...

Trouble on the Horizon...

2006-06-18T12:07:00.000-07:00

(posted, June 5th, 2006)

It's possible... Nothing is certain really right now. Angel came over the other night and she was upset. Ori was with her and he was really quiet. I asked RIJ to try to talk to his brother to see if he could figure out what was going on while I spoke with Angel.

Seems they are worried about their son Sachiel. Angel found this jacket of his with a gang symbol on it. It gave her some kind of vague flashback to a memory that had been lost to her, but she couldn't make sense of it. My Uncle appeared later that night and joined us. RIJ poked his head in the house from the porch to tell me he and Ori were going ot go for a walk so they could talk. He won't tell me what was said. I can tell it wasn't good though.

My uncle told Angel that the symbol on the jacket was that of a gang who called themselves The Chainers. The name sounds familiar, but not enough for me to really remember it. Ori just seemed lost though. And Angel, the poor thing, no matter what she did, it didn't seem to lift his spirits, at least not while they were with us. Oriel arrived and went up to see Orion and Amera.

I can't help but think he is smitten with the bluenette. She is kind and polite. There is this light about her that could draw any darkness to her and away. I guess it's something she, Angel, Oriel, and Angel's youngest daughter Rayne all have in common. She's a good kid though. A little young for Orion, but I guess as long as he is careful... I mean, he's a senior in high school and she is only in her 9th year. He's ready to graduate and she still has her life ahead of her. I just hope Orion thinks hard about any choices that are made. I guess that's where Oriel comes in. She always has a way of making Orion stop and think.

I am surprised to see how close in friendship Orion and Oriel are, but I am glad for it. I remember watching Orion playing with Oriel and Sachiel as they were growing up. They always push each other to their limits in practice, too.

I realize I am rambling. I guess I am avoiding the main reason I am writing. As happy as RIJ has seemed, I get the feeling he is hiding something from me. When Ori and Angel left our home... I saw the way he looked at Angel when she said goodbye. There was this look in his eyes. A look of longing. Wanting... Ever since he was used to revive her, they have had a different kind of friendship. They never really had anything to do with each other before. It was always Zahara he had turned to when things were at their hardest. But now...

Now he looks at her in a way that makes me believe there is more between them than friendship. I mean, I have seen him kiss her cheek before when they would say goodbye, but when he did it this time... I don't know there was something very wrong about the way he held her. I know Ori saw it too. But he trusts Angel. He doesn't think she would ever do anything to hurt him or their family. And for the most part he is right. But what if....

No, it's crazy... RIJ and Angel? No way... *swallows* ..... I.... I just don't want to believe that...

*********************************

Rose:
She can live in denial all she wants, but I know the truth... *rolls eyes* That pathetic weak side of me has no clue. RIJ has no idea what he feels for her right now. He is trying to love her. But he can't. Thanks to her history, she lost her light. The light a man like RIJ craves. Orifiel said RIJ didn't like me because of my personality.. which could very well be true, but in all honesty, it's my complete dark side that keeps him away. I am FAR too dark for a man like him.

But Angel... The light she has.. It blindes me... I really need to get rid of it... eventually... I need to test something about her first... Get her and Orifiel in a room together to see his reaction... Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll kill her first... I wonder what it would take to get her to remember everything again? To make her remember how she turned on her husband all those years ago... or better yet, get her to remember the darkness of him. Orifiel and how he treated her. *smirk* That could be interesting. Who would she turn to when the memories returned? Her husband? Or her lover...?

Seems there is a new kid in the palace. A protogé of Orifiel's named Legato. He is young, but he is still wanting. Orifiel wants to teach him his ways, but that would include knowledge Orifiel can't give him. It would not take much to convince Legato to sneak away one night. Or to allow a special midnight visitor.... Okay, so new blood excites me lol. Or maybe it is something else. There is something about him that isn't quite... well like the rest of us. Lucky for me I have eyes all over the palace now. None of them human... or even immortal.

2 bodies were taken to sustain the boy. Riza says that he isn't exactly human or even one of us, so that verifies my thoughts. I know he paid Kay a little visit too. He was shaken by the appearance of a young woman in the viewing portal. I wonder what Orifiel would think of that... and for me to tell... Legaot would think Kay spilled the secret. Orifiel would take out the girl and Legato would take out Kay. The perfect set up that leaves the throne empty for only me. Yes... I think it's time Kay and I parted ways... it's getting to be too crowded. And I hate to share what I claim for mine. That's why I can let Orifiel go. He was never mine, nor was I ever his. If he thought I was, then he was sadly mistaken. I have never been broken and I don't intend to start now.

14 years have gone and passed...

2006-06-18T12:04:00.000-07:00

(posted, June 1st, 2006)

I have been horrible at keeping updated in this thing... I'm not even sure where to begin...

To start with, Rose and I have become 2 separate people. She used Kayura as her puppet. Once Kayura had taken the right place needed, Rose had access to even more power. It was painful, but the pain was worth it to be free from that dark part of me finally. Now all I have to do is concentrate on RIJ and our family.

RIJ is still acting strangely. For one, he used to HATE water... now he goes to the beach quite regularly, and I almost always find him in the shower now. He didn't want to return to our home in Vegas... He told me a part of him felt like he had to stay here. I don't ever remember him being much of an animal lover, and yet there has been this cat that he is pretty friendly with. He shows it so much care... As if it is truly something important to him. Even more... we bought a home on the beach... I guess it is a few houses down from Ori and Angel. It's not bad. I enjoy having them as neighbors. With the weather as nice as it has been, we have spent many evenings at either their home, or they at ours for picnics and bar-b-q's. Ori has kind of mellowed out. He is as possessive as ever, but he is mellow...

Kind of ironic huh? *small laugh*

Anyway... I have to admit I am kind of glad that RIJ doesn't remember a lot of things. There was a lot of pain in his life and I enjoy this softer side to him. I fear it may not always last, but I am enjoying it while it's here.

Now.. 14 years.. 14 years...

Ah! yes, RIJ and I have been married for 19 years now. And I have to admit, it has been nice and entertaining. This new side to him makes him more willing for fun things. He has been very active in Orion's upbringing. He says he wants Orion to have a positive feel for life. I have to include that RIJ and I... well we have another child. A daughter we named Raven. She is about 4 years younger than Orion, but she keeps up with him really well. She has her father's eyes. that golden color... she is really playful too. Kind of a tease. It was joked that she would be a heartbreaker as she got older. At 15 ... she worries me. But then again I knew ME at 15... and I know what he used to be like as well... It's possible it will be a combination of both of us...

Okay, I am scared now...

Orion ... doens't really have much of an interest in school. His father was like that so it was expected. He makes up for it in his training. He and Raven have taken to working out with me when I go to practice my magic and even my work out routines. RIJ tends to keep to himself when he isn't with us. While the kids and I are working out, he tends to go out for walks... at least he says. I can't help but think about Bakura's words regarding RIJ and his walks. I have been tempted to follow him just to see where he goes, but I have to stop myself. I have to trust him. He's my husband. We have been so happy these past 14 years. His smiles seem genuine and his eyes always sparkle when he sees me and the kids.

Maybe my worries have been in vain. To see him this happy... there is no way he is straying from his family.... is there? I mean, who else can make him as happy as he says I have made him?... Or has he been lying to me all this time?

Well... here are the latest pics of our kids.

Orion- aged 18

Raven aged 16

How Odd...

2006-06-18T12:03:00.000-07:00

(Posted, May 22nd, 2006)

It really is odd... I am not sure exactly what happened. All I know is that things are definitely different. I wanted so badly for Orifiel to just end things for me while I was Rose... but all he wanted was to lay her. I guess I wouldn't blame him, but still...

She was very weak after that fight. It was way too easy to take back control of my body and when I did, my only thought was to return home and just hide out in my room. Imagine the surprise I had gotten when I walked in to see RIJ asleep there. See... During the funeral, Orifiel forced RIJ into the ritual that would bring Angel back to life. It had bad results. RIJ forgot everything. As did Angel. I guess when they both disappeared they ran into each other. Certain details are fuzzy because Rose had taken over by then and I was too busy trying to get her to keep away from Orifiel. I am not entirely sure what went on between RIJ and Angel. I remember her being alone and looking scared when Rose made her appearance at her old home. RIJ was already gone. the fight was long and hard, and well... frankly I am glad Angel interfered when she did, though HOW she did still confuses me.

It was as if she had some of RIJ's powers inside her after the ritual. Rose was floored and had no idea what was going on. Normally she is quick thinking, but this I think was too much of a shock to her. The fight ended and everyone went home. That was when I found RIJ in our bed. Bakura had found him. He wasn't moving or speaking. Just staring up at the ceiling.

I was able to trade back and forth with Angel on keeping an eye on him so I could still be with our son too. However I learned that might not have been the best idea. Bakura said he felt bad for the one who was with him when RIJ woke up. I freaked and when I went to check on them, apparently he had woken up and he and Angel were gone. They were gone ... No where in the room. I went back downstairs to see if my sister would find them and she seemed hesitant to find them. Like she was afraid to, or just didn't want to. Not sure about much from there, but the next thing I knew RIJ and Angel came downstairs together. They ... seemed very... together. As if THEY were the couple.

Orifiel was about ready to snap, I could tell. Her forgetting things was okay for him, but to forget him was too much for him to accept. Somehow he convinced her that they were together, and attempted to tell her what was going on. But I could see the confusion in her eyes. She was pretending to accept what she was being told. But the most shocking thing....

Was when RIJ was told he was married to me. He looked at me, confused. I expected cold indifference. But instead he became soft. Sensative. He held a picture taken of us together and just looked up at me. Then I was in his arms. He calls me Kitty now instead of Kitten. It's new, but I can deal with that. Especially because he asked me to marry him again, this time so he can remember it. So now we are planning to renew our vows. It almost seems too good to be true. But I am going ot enjoy this. He holds me openly and isn't afraid to show how he feels. It' s nice and comforting.

But like all things... Something has to ruin it. And in this case, that something was Rose. I am not entirely sure what she is planning, but during the confusion, Angel disappeared. Kayura had shown up to tell them that Angel was apparently still married to Ori according to the courts and she and Orifiel couldn't be married. Angel separated herself from both of them and just backed into the wall. Then suddenly she was gone. Leaving Orifiel and Kayura to thier fight while everyone looked on.

I tried to shut them out and just relax with RIJ. But then this whispering started in my head. Rose had begun chanting a spell I did not recognize. Odd since I thought I knew them all. I looked up when everything got silent. Orifiel and Kayura were just looking at each other. She took a step back and he moved closer. Suddenly, they were just gone... Rose would only tell me that in time I would see what she had done. In time everyone would see what she had done. This has me worried.

I need to get rid of this darker presence. It will be the death of me if I don't. She can cause things to happen when she is NOT in control of my body if she wants to. This information truly scares me. She's planning something. Something big and it is only a matter of time before it comes into the light so we can see it, but by then, it could be too late to stop it.

My only hope is to figure it out soon.

A Thought...

2006-06-18T12:02:00.001-07:00

(posted, May 12th, 2006)

Sanura:

I'm sorry... You have told me not to love you. But I can't stop. Nobody told me I had a choice in loving you or not... I can't just change. I'll never change. I want... I want my life to be with you...
but... You deserve more... You deserve something outside of demons and darkness. You deserve...

Someone who can take you into the light...

As long as Rose is alive within me... I can never be that someone...

So... While you don't remember me... I think I will make a choice. A choice that will rid us of her...
_________________________________

Rose:
That tart actually thinks she can get rid of ME! Hardly. I am not rid of so easily. Orifiel will learn this the hard way and I am not finished with Kayura. I almost wish I could have watched Orio mourn over her. But I was forced to leave.

I did learn something of interest. Whoever is controlling Atemu has a soft spot for AFG. I can use that to my advantage later. And Ra knows that I will.
_____________________________
Sanura:
I won't let her! I can't... Orifiel.. I make a plea to you while you have her in your grasp... Kill her... kill us both. Set me free please!! Don't waste time on playing. Don't try her... Kill her. Kill me... Then please.. when RIJ remembers me again... Tell him I love him... and tell him... I said goodbye....
_______________________________________

Rose:
If I don't kill Orifiel first... I'd like to see him TRY to kill me...

Death...

2006-06-18T12:02:00.000-07:00

(posted, May 7th, 2006)

I knew something was wrong... I dreamt of the battle and I saw my parents fall... but I didn't know for certain until I received an email from Zahara... In it contained a date and time...

My Mother, Father, Natara, and Angel fell in the battle against Theron.

Now I am getting Orion and myself ready to attend the service of my family. I am not expecting RIJ to attend. I would be grateful if he did- But I won't expect him too.

3 days... I have known this for 3 days and my mind is still numb... I am still in denial...

I can't believe they are gone...

They can't be....

and yet.... they are...

Worried

2006-06-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

(posted, may 6th, 2006)

Some strange things have been happening in Vegas lately... We all woke up to what sounded like a warzone going on over the house- we have even lost power.. good thing my laptop has a battery or I wouldn't even be writing...

It took me forever to get Orion back to bed after it all grew quiet.. but RIJ Must have been exhausted... He went right back to sleep... I was tired but couldn't sleep so I checked in on Orion before going to the kitchen. that was when I ran into my Uncle... literally...

He told me the war on Theron was beginning... and that there was a chance that people would die... It's a thought I am not too happy about... But I can't show saddness. I just can't. I do have a fear...

That somehow I will be forced to go back.. and Theron brings Rose out inside me again...

I CAN'T let her back out... it's a struggle, but so far I have been okay. As long as I am happy... As long as I am loved... Still I can't help but worry about everyone... I have to stay to keep an eye on Orion... I just hope everyone makes it out okay... For now.. I think... i just want to be wrapped up in the warmth and protection and saftey of RIJ's arms... I just want to be held... That in itself will keep me happy... Just to have him holding me close... It's all I want...

Goodluck though to everyone... I love you all. I will pray to the gods that you all come home safe...

Long Awaited Peace...

2006-06-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

(posted, May 1st, 2006)

Not sure how long that peace will last, but I certainly am going to enjoy things. I couldn't be happier today. One we are back at RIJ's in Vegas after a quick trip back to my parents home. We had gotten word that Zahara was far enough along that it was safe to do the test to see if Bakura or RIJ was the father of the baby she's expecting.

It was a very quiet, very tense time while we waited.

My mother and father returned from their trip while we were there, but Mother was ver quiet. Father left with my Uncle to help Aunt AFG, Natara and Bryant as they went after my cousin Riku. Long story with which I was not all here for so I don't really know what happened.

Speaking of not all here...

Rose is mad... beyond mad.. furious. She hates being trapped and just keeps looking for an opportunity to arise for her to escape again. As long as I don't give in to my anger and any sadness I wil be safe. Orion will be safe... and so will RIJ.

I still have no idea what to tell him. I don't even think he really noticed... Kind of hard to- but then again- he doesn't know me as well as I know me... Although... I think a sudden intrest in smoking would have been a key thing to make note of- not to mention my taste in clothing...

Anyway- I won't dwell on that. She's out of the way for right now and I intend to keep her that way. RIJ and I are in our OWN home, with Orion. We can be a family... A happy one at that.

I couldn't ask for better...

Needing Help...

2006-06-18T11:59:00.001-07:00

(posted, April 27th, 2006)

Sanura:

... Why can't he look at her and see that SHE is not ME?

*sighs* He probably doesn't care... he would if he knew she tried to kill Orion today. If Kayura hadn't stepped in when she did...

Rose has to be stopped... She is weakened for now, but I can sense her plotting. Anyone I ever cared about will be first on her list of targets. Orion and RIJ at the top. I can't stay with them... It's too dangerous for me to stay. He seems so happy too. Right now all I can do is smile and pretend that things are okay. As long as the feelings of love are there Rose can't get through. I didn't think it was true but when Orion told me he loved me, Rose flipped out and lost herself. She truly cannot stand the word Love. Not if it is TRULY meant by someone.

I know this sounds like a corny Disney Princess movie, but it's true...
Only when I am truly loved can I really be free of Rose... But even then it is still just a temp fix... I have to find a way to get rid of her completely while I have control. It's just so hard...

This attack on Orion was too much. I couldn't stop her. When RIJ asked Orion who had done it, I was afraid he would tell his father it was me. I was so afraid. She laughs at me. She wants RIJ to know. She wants to see him rage on. Would love to see him try to kill me...

And he would.

When it comes to Orion- I've no doubt about it...

Wishing for freedom...

2006-06-18T11:59:00.000-07:00

(Posted, April 25th, 2006)

Sanura: .... I have broken away and gained control for a quick post.. I only wish I could do more. I know Rose's weakness... TRUE emotion... She hates the mere thought of it and everytime RIJ holds her close in a more loving manner or tells her he loves her, she freezes and I find myself back in control again- but only for a short time. I NEED to be set free from this curse. Things were hard and near failing before, but with her things will soon be over with no chance at repairing. I know there are few ways to really get rid of her... and many of those few ways include the possibilty of me going with her...

To rid the world of her... I will do what I have to do. I will meet my fate head on. I know RIJ will be good to Orion. I only wish I could be there to watch him continue to grow.

See .. Rose wants my body.. complete control of it at all times. She hates just being a mere presence here. She wants complete freedom. If I take us both out at the same time- then she is gone and the world is at least safe from her. I know she plans to hurt RIJ... I am pretty sure I can figure out how as well.. I just HAVE to stop her. I CAN'T let her hurt him. He has suffered anough. I no longer care if he can't love me. Or if he continues to disbelieve the truth of my love for him. I will protect him as best as I can... Somehow I will get through to him...

____________________

Rose:
Fat chance of that happening... the man is too dense to realize I am not even her... He calls me "Kitten" and expects me to just jump and run to him. I HATE it when he calls me "Kitten" .. what kind of name IS that anyway...? And I absolutely can't STAND it when he tries to tell her he l-l-lo-... yeah... that word. One because it is obvious to me that he just can't POSSIBLY l -... that word again... See I hate it so much I can't even SPEAK it ... more often than not. I swear feeling her feelings for him began to burn me alive. I have never felt something so powerful... If I don't do something her feelings will practically kill me on sight... I can't have that...

Ori.. now HE'S a dish... I would so enjoy going after him.. even more so with his other self, Orifiel... I remember seeing pics of him in Sanura's mind. He will be easy to take away from Angel... And Bakura... Yes... my light's sister deserves punishment now for her actions... A little payback is in order...

*groans* I swear if he doesnt stop calling me Kitten...

*calms self* Patience... the time will come at a later time.. and I will sooo enjoy that battle... He will never know that to save her, he has to truly lo- care for her... want only her... accept her...

See, he may have the feelings inside, but he doesn't want just her. He can never accept just WHO she is...

His own words started his downfall... only his feelings could very well bring her back to him... if he wants her- but I doubt it... *smirks* Yes.. I am going to enjoy this...

Someone please...

2006-06-18T11:57:00.001-07:00

(posted April 22nd, 2006)

Help me!!

Please Ra I need help in the worst way...

Theron managed to spark a part of me that I was afraid would come out. He twisted words and thoughts in my head... now all I see is blackness... and the red orange light of fire...

Ra.. I am afraid of this strength and magic against me. I fear things are ruined beyond repair at this point. I fear I have hurt my sister in trying ot protect her. I fear I have pushed RIJ away for good...

Theron told me I would fall under his power... I didn't believe him. Now he is ready to turn me against my loved ones. I hear him in my head. He wants RIJ to suffer for Panther's death and he wants him to suffer at MY hand.

I just can't!

Please don't make me hurt him! I don't want to hurt him!! I can't hurt him... I would have my own life taken for his again if I have to- just please Ra don't make me be the one who hurts him. I CAN'T.

Please... He said he didn't want to see the pain in my eyes... The pain has always been there from the start... He never could have loved me if he couldn't stand what he saw then...

Maybe Theron was right... Maybe RIJ never did love me... but still.. I CAN'T hurt him. I won't be the one to take his life... I won't ... RIJ- please.. take Orion and run... Run far and pray Theron doesn't make me find you... Please.. be safe...
I can't....

I can't fight this power....

It's too strong...

Ra... Please forgive me for what I may do....

___________________________________

*evil laugh*
It's been a long time since I have been free to do my work... The world misses me, Sanura... I hear the patheitc souls screaming for release... And it will be the hand of RIJ's "Kitten" who puts them at rest...

Don't let the words fool you- this is still Sanura.. just the darker half she has had sealed away for far too long.

Well guess what- I am back and ready to party.

Look out world... RIJ, Asuka, Kayura, Angel... Zahara.... The Black Rose Assassin has returned...
________________________
sanura:

someone.. please help me.... please.. before it's too late...

Whoa...

2006-06-18T11:57:00.000-07:00

(posted Arpil 21st)

I don't even know where to begin... Everything happened so fast.. All I know is that I truly appreciate life a little better ...

For the moment...

I left the penthouse in earch of RIJ and hoping to get some answers. But after that- things.. got wierd.

I was crushed and torn and dead inside when I saw the vision of him kissing that other woman. I truly felt as if the world had landed on my shoulders and there was no way out of it. I was completely dead inside.

Little did I know I was about to be even MORE dead...

I was on my way back home, ready to face the truth of my marriage being over and trying to decide who she have Orion and where we would go and all that comes with figuring the ned of something like RIJ and me... suddenly a figure appeared in front of me. He spoke to me as if I knew him and my heart leapt to my throat. I swore I was staring at Alexander again. I knew I wasn't in the right frame of mind to fight but I knew I didn't want to be a part of his army of assassins anymore either. It was then that he stepped into the light.

"It's been so long since I last saw you. Looks like you've all grown up." I stared at the man and my mouth dropped open. The enemy my mother had thought dead all this time. The enemy Kayura had warned her was returning before I was called to join RIJ with the counselor.

Lord Theron. He circled me and taunted me for a little while as I watched him move. I felt for my dagger and gripped it tightly under my cloak. When he struck I was barely ready. He kept whispering in my ear things I didn't want to believe but was forced to see visions of. He literally had me on my knees begging to stop the torture. I hadn't done that since Aiden was killed.

He struck at me and I fought back to the best I could, losing my dagger in the process, but he had already crushed my spirit and he knew it. The fight was over in a matter of seconds. One minute I was facing him- the next he spun me around and I watched my own blood spray onto the ground in front of me beofre I dropped. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I watched him laugh at me. I heard him tell me I was just the first. That I wasn't his true target. That he would break my mother as he had done me before it was over. Then I saw nothing. I heard nothing.

I barely remember returning to the park but I felt strange... I can remember talking to Anubis about passing through the gates of the underworld. I remember him telling me it was not yet my time and I was to wait. So wait I did.. back in the park. By then I gues word of my death had reached home. I saw RIJ in the park. He.. he looked shattered. Crushed. He looked...

The same way I felt when I saw him kiss that other woman.

He came to me and I used a little power to become solid enough for him to hold long enough for this moment. He told me he loved me and he couldn't lose me. That if he did he did not want to have to find another. I was confused.. does that mean he would choose to end his life if I were gone? Does he love me that much? Or am I over thinking things again? No doubt I am over thinking again.

We did some talking and he finally learned the truth of how I felt about a few things. He even said that my telling him was all he ever wanted me to do. The way he held me.. it was differnt. As if he really wanted to for once. There is something going on he won't tell me though. Something that he is involved with that he doesn't want to be. I could never figure that out. And I sent him away to protect my sister before anything more could be said. After he was gone I began to feel strange.

There was this agonizing pain that ripped through my arms, leg and neck. There was so much light. I felt like I was on fire. And when it was over I dropped to the ground. Yes I actually fell to the ground. I was alive again somehow. I got some strange looks from people in the park and just went home. It was th only place I could go. I was tackled immediately by Marik and my son and greeted by Malik and the others. RIJ was badly hurt. I don't know what had caused it. I am sure he will tell me when the time comes.

We.. reconnected I guess you can say. He surprised me. It had been so long. But.. Ra.. it felt so good to be in his embrace again. To feel him and know he loved me... Would have been better if my sister and Bakura hadn't been in the same room- but we were all to preoccupied to care I guess...

My parents talked to my siblings and Angel and me later to tell us they were going away. Angel took the news kind of hard. I'm sure she will be fine. Orifiel is there for her. She hasn't need to worry. All we have to o is becareful. Being split up like this is the kind of thing Theron would look for.

On my way bck downstairs Zahara said something to me that confused me. She challenged my feelings for RIJ. But she didn't stop there. She challenged himto tell me the truth. I guess she had seen the other woman, too. She demanded he tell me. So everyone left leaving RIJ and me alone to talk.

He claims she is just a friend. A friend who may be carrying his child. He doubts it because he says she should be due in 3 months but his last visit with her she told him 2 weeks. I don't blame him for douting. It doesn't make a gret dea of sense. He told me he wasn't worried though because he didn't plan to keep the child...

But what about her? How does he plan to get rid of the baby without her saying it's okay?

We are headed out for something to eat now... I only hope these little secrets of his begin to come into the light here soon... I hate not knowing what is going on. But I have to trust he knows what he is doing and can take care of it. I have to trust and have faith in him.

I just hope I am not setting myself up for another disastor in the process.

Betrayed...

2006-06-18T11:53:00.000-07:00

(posted April 16th, 2006)

I never dreamed that in allowing RIJ to have the freedom to be himself would backfire as it has. I had only assumed there was a condition he was battling within himself. It seems this time I was wrong. Dead Wrong.

He left to go on one of his walks. I trusted him. I guess I was fool enough to think my only real competition was my sister. But there is another. I am still reeling from this knowledge. I need him to make a choice...

Though I think I already know what it is.

Still I need for him to say it. To finally for once in hi life be honest with me. And then I will be the one to have the papers ready. I can't keep living this way. I love him. I always will. Orion will be torn. But I can't allow him to see that the way RIJ treats me is the way a man treats a woman. Orion will be better than that. I will see to it. RIJ's choice will cost him his family. I just hope he is prepared for that.

He can make a new family with whoever this other woman is. I have had enough of being broken and beaten by him.

I know I have said this before. But this is his last chance. If he truly cares about Oriona nd me he will be honest with me. If he can't tell me who she is and what he is doing with her... If he can't finally come clean to me about he secrets.... Then it is done.

The anger I feel.... there are no words to describe it. The hurt... He might as well have just ripped my heart out- threw it in a blender and hit frappé because it is gone.

I have never once done anything to hurt him. Never once betrayed him. Never been anything but good to him. And this is how he repays me. I didn't dare hold too tight. So I gave him some freedom... What happens? He thinks I don't care and don't want him... SHE conviced him of this. I saw him kiss her. She didn't initiate the kiss. HE did. HE has betrayed ME for the LAST time...

My Immortal

2006-06-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

(posted April 12th, 2006)

Buffy and Angel... Their story is a sad one... Much like my own story with RIJ.
They were friends who slowly grew to love each other. She was the Slayer- the chosen one to kill the vampires... and he- was a vampire with a soul.
She fell in love with him before she even knew that he was a vampire, but when she learned, her world shattered. They were to be enemies, but their love grew out of control. On her 16th birthday he gave her a special ring.. a promisary ring. A Claddagh Ring. They also gave in to their passions which trigger the worst possible situation.
As long as Angel had his soul he wouldn't attack a human. He was .. good.. if you can call a vampire good. But once he felt that one moment of pure and true happiness with the woman he loved, his soul was ripped from him and he became her worst enemy. He tormented and tortured her. Attacked and even killed some of her friends just to let her know he was still around. None of the love in the world could get through to him...

Oddly that part reminds me of Kayura and Ori...

Anyway.. eventually he created an evil so strong the only way to destroy it was to kill him. Buffy did not like the idea. She hated it... but she had no choice. During that battle, they fought and he kept saying such hurtful things to her. When she was about to make the killing blow, he stopped fighting and looked at her. A friend of hers had found a way to restore his soul at the last minute, but it was too late. He still had to be killed. So with a final kiss, she told him she loved him, and ran a sword through him. He stood there in shock, not believing, not remembering anything he had done. Soon he was gone.

He returned a short time later and she found him. At first he wore his vampire face and tried to scare her, but she stood there and just watched as he came near. It shocked her more when he returned to his human look and fell to his knees grabbing her and calling for her, crying. Tears fell down her face as she had no idea what to do. He love was returned to her, but they could never be together... Never...

He eventually said his goodbye... it was too hard for them to remain in the same town. But their love for each other never died....

Now.. RIJ and I ... He isn't a vampire... but there is something wrong that I haven't been told about. Something he hasn't told me. Something that.. almost scares him... it seems. I wish he would talk to me. Trust me.. but it is as if he is truly afraid to tell me. I hold him... he clings to me as if holding on because his life depends on it. The counselor who came to see him says he is bi-polar... well that explains somethings. She even says that he loves me. That he loves me very much... But there is something he hasn't told me... I need to get him talk to me somehow... I.... I need the strength to handle what he has to tell me.

But what is it? Could it ruin us for good? Is he sick? Is he dying? I was told it was a condition of his... Does it have anything to do with the Elders? What they did to him?

What could he possibly be holding back that terrifies him so much?

What is going on?

2006-06-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

(posted, April 11th)

It's the same old question and once again I have no answer.

I saw what my Uncle did at Orifiel's reunion. RIJ had gone there, for what purpose I am not entirely sure, nor do I really care I guess. But I went to see if he was okay. And I wish I hadn't. I apparently am not allowed to touch him at all. What kind of marriage is this...

Simple. It isn't one.

Marik asked me some tough questions last night. Then he made me an offer that is looking really good right now...

All I have ever wanted was to be loved by the one I loved... But he keep spushing me away. That's one one side... on the other side I have a man who has always loved me, just left me alone as I stumbled along this path with RIJ. I don't know why Marik has been so patient. Maybe he knows what I am beginning to figure out. That RIJ can't possibly love me if he can treat me like this.

Then again, I have been wrong about him before. RIJ is definitely hiding something, but I don't entirely know what it is yet. I doubt I ever will know. All I know is that I am finally tired of fighting. All it would take is a tender word, a gentle touch... I would probably give in to the man in a heartbeat. It's been almost 4 years... Ra knows he is being taken care of by my sister.. so what am I supposed to do? Continue to sit here and wait for my turn, knowing full well it is never coming again? RIJ is gone... he left this marriage a long time ago.

I waited for a long time. If I knew there was even a small chance that we could get this to work then I would jump at the chance. But he has done nothing to give me even a little hope.

It is bad enough that Orion is being affected by it. He won't hardly come near us, hiding behind Oriel. At least she is protective of him, I guess. Orion only looks at me with tears in his eyes. He hardly speaks even. He is just so quiet. I kind of understand Zahara's fear when Cayden wouldn't speak. Except he wouldn't speak for a much different reason.

There is a woman here who says Blue sent her. I guess Blue has sensed something to the point that someone had to interfere. The question now is will it work? RIJ has never been the one to open up. I guess we will have to wait and see...

Tension

2006-06-18T11:46:00.000-07:00

(posted April 7th)

*sigh*

I guess I was hurt worse than I thought... One minute I am at the park with Orion and the next I wake to find myself in my room. Of course when I woke, Zahara was there with Cayden, RIJ behind her with Orion, and Bakura behind them with Nakia. Zahara seemed genuinely concerned, though I don't know why. Had I been killed she could have had RIJ all to herself...

I really ned to stop thinking like this, but... I can't help it. Something is going on with him and though he says it isn't about her, I can almost bet it is. He won't let me touch him... He hardly looks at me... It's been 4 years.... almost... alomst 4 years since ... well... you know... He may have strayed to my sister, but I never did so- at least not intentionally... I can see why Zahara enjoys Bakura so much.. but he just isn't the same... I love RIJ... I want him to be my husband again... to KNOW me as his wife... but he is so distant. Sometimes I wonder if he loves me when he says he does. He always seems to hesitate. He was difficult to figure out before, but it's worse now. I thought things were going to be okay with us at first. He mentioned how Orion had wanted a brother or a sister. I thought that he meant he wanted...

Then he changed again... He asked me if I thought Zahara's child was his... NOT what I wanted to be hit with.... I told him I couldn't know for sure. I just couldn't. I asked him if he wanted it to be and he flipped out... He doesn't want anymore he claims. My hopes were shattered... I maybe wanted one more... but I go with his wishes. I am happy with Orion and I only need the 2 of them. That is, if I actually have RIJ still...

*sigh*

Why did things have to be this hard? Why couldn't things have just been easy? Why couldn't I have just stayed with Marik or Malik when I had the chance? Marik wouldn't have made things anywhere NEAR as complicated and he NEVER would have stepped out on me. Especially with my own sister...

I want my husband back...

But the question now is ... Did I ever REALLY have him to begin with?

He disappeared earlier today. Not sure where he went to. But he left and Marik came to see how I was doing. I could always count on him to be a friend to me. I finally broke down and told him everything. He just held me. That was all he did. But when I looked into his eyes... I could still the love in them... he hurts when I hurt, he hates seeing me upset and he wishes he could make it better. He.. he kissed me. Nothing major, but my body reacted to it and I had to regain control to pull away. He understood and he stood. But he told me his door was always open to me.... if I ever got tired of being hurt and wanted something better...

I guess I have to wonder now what to do... I have a way out... But Orion would be crushed... He wants RIJ and me to stay together... As do I... I just wish I knew what was wrong and why...

It's a Start...

2006-06-18T11:42:00.000-07:00

(Posted April 3rd)

I was able to fail in my battle which allowed me to get Orion back... Stupid rules... I hate losing when I go into a battle. But I would do anything for my son. I already lost a daughter, I won't lose my son... And if RIJ and I can't get things figured out... I will be taking Orion with me.

I don't know what is going on for sure, but he did stay behind while my sister was staying behind as well. I can only imagine what they are up to at the moment. Never mind... I don't want to know.

I have come to the conclusion that should he finally make a choice to leave that I won't chase him this time... I am strong enough to be here for our son. I will raise him on my own if I have to... I refuse to live my life like Angel does... Orifiel is in her life, they act like they are together, but he won't ever marry her. He, like RIJ, enjoys his freedom more than that. I won't live my life pretending to be married to someone who just can't be faithful to me. RIJ doesn't even wear a wedding ring. No one even knows he IS married because of everyting he has done...

Times like these make me wish I had just given him the divorce he wanted...

.......

But it doesn't stop me from loving him....

Trying to Keep Calm...

2006-06-18T11:38:00.000-07:00

(posted, March 24th, 2006)

You would think that the title means I am still stewing over something else. Truth is I no longer care who RIJ screws... as long as he comes back home I guess... The biggest problem right now is that our son has been taken from us. RIJ sits there with this blank look on his face. No reaction to anything. He hasn't spoken. I don't know WHAT he is feeling. I can't keep still. My uncle tried to go after the missing kids, but was unable to find them. All I can do is pace and I HATE that.

There HAS to be something I can do. Orion just can't disappear. He is sick. VERY sick. The fever was knocking him completely out. Cayden and Riku were with him, but I heard him call out through the mental link we have. He is growing weaker. We have to find him soon..

Is It True?

2006-06-18T11:37:00.000-07:00

(Posted, March 21st, 2006)

I don't know what to think. All I was doing was resting with Orion when my Uncle comes to me. He asks me about a woman I met called Elena. He seems to have a feeling of a connection between us. A famliar connection like that of Nakia, Yugi, Cayden, and Orion to him. Like he is Elena's Uncle. But that is impossible. I know Zahara had never had any children before the twins she and Bakura had. Adais only had Yugi. I have only one living child, Orion.

I finally had to admit that I did have a daughter once. A long time ago. she isn't something I speak about too often though as after she was born I was informed that she had not lived. I never heard her cry. Never felt her heartbeat. The baby was taken from me before I could even see her. I think what hit me harder about this is that this woman my uncle speaks of... She has the same name as that of the daughter I was told had died. I did name her Elena. Malik and Marik had been taking care of me when this had happened so they always knew. They were good enough to keep quiet about it though. They figured I would speak of it when I was ready to. And I certainly was not ready to.

But now I have to face this. A woman I feel connected to sharing the same name as my deceased daughter. It is a great deal to handle. RIJ... he wasn't happy at hearing who the father was of my daughter... not that it should matter. Aiden is dead too. He never had the chance to know his daughter. RIJ had a daughter with Kiza. He was able to see her grow even if he didn't know Riza was his. So now I have to wonder what he thinks of this. He seems to want me to talk to him about it. He keeps asking me if I am okay. Just... so much has happened...
I don't know how much I can take before I snap. Is Elena the daughter I thought was dead? If she is, who took her and why? And how do I get her back? More impotrantly... how will RIJ react to knowing my daughter is indeed alive?

Speaking of Riza.. I haven't seen her in a very long time. RIJ swears she is with Kiza, but I was there at the mansion where Kiza and Aiden's spirits are hanging out. Riza isn't there. I may have to go looking for her. She is my step-daughter after all.

Zahara... I still notice the looks that pass between her and RIJ. There is no denying they are fighting something inside themselves. She is doing it to remain honorable to Bakura once again. I can't help but wonder how long this will last. I do know that I can't trust them to remain alone together. Especially now with her expecting. I just hope the next 3 months will go by quickly so we can get that DNA test done. Wondering if RIJ or Bakura is the father is really straining things...

RIJ and Orifiel's high school reunion is coming up. That means the anniversary of Kiza's, Aiden's, and Ori's death is near as well. I can't help but wonder how things will be during that time. I can't imagine them to be very good. Yes I do worry... I feel I have a great reason to worry.

Call Me the Fool...

2006-06-18T11:36:00.000-07:00

(posted, March 16th, 2006)

Okay... Yeah, I am a fool alright. My situation with RIJ and my sister... it has really brought about some changes. I admit I made my own mistake in an attempt tp cover for them when I should have just ratted them out. I was willing to allow it to happen. And then all of a sudden, RIJ learns about what happened between Bakura and me and goes completely spaztic. He could cheat, but Ra forbid I do it to cover his rear end from being crushed...

In the fight, somehow Orion found out RIJ had decided he was leaving us. Which he did... and so Orion ran off. Oriel and Nakia went off after him and they all disappeared. I went with Bakura and my sister to find them. We ran into one of Angel's friends, Sage, and he told us where to find the kids. I had been following them when I heard RIJ call out to me. I stopped and we talked for a little while. He said he wanted to come back. To be a family again. I was ready to forgive and as soon as I went to look for Orion again, a cloth was clamped over my mouth. When I wake up I find myself in ori's presence. He tried toget me to talk and I just couldn't.

He made me wear this dress and go to dinner. There was a girl there that kept rubbing it in my face about Zahara and RIJ. I nearly blasted her but this other woman stopped me. I feel a strange connection to her. I am still not sure why, but I have to Figure out who she is and why we are connected. I have to thank her the next time I see her too. She helped get RIJ and me out of Ori's place. Only to go home and learn that Zahara was pregnant. I swear, I don't know how much more I can take. RIJ is still acting strange. He took off with my mother earlier... Still not sure what that is about.

I have to learn to watch my mouth. I said some things about my sister and my mother and father heard me. Father took me off to talk to me... Not sure what happened when I left. All I want is for some answers. And for some closure. If I keep this up I swear I will go insane. Not that I am not already insane to begin with...

No One Ever Said It Was Easy...

2006-06-18T11:31:00.000-07:00

(Posted, March 7th, 2006)

And they never had to meet RIJ to say that...

He is growing more and more distant. He keeps disappearing. I dont' want to believe that Ori was right. But a part of me always wondered. They fought just too much. And today Malik managed to get Bakura to let them go out to the garden earlier. RIJ hates gardens. Hates flowers... hates things like that, mostly because he doesn't understand the significance to them. When Bakura grew concerened because my sister was taking so long to return, Uncle and I went after them. We found them in the garden just like I thought they would be. but things were... different. Silent.

Zahara tried to tell me they had just decided for the good of the children they just wouldn't speak to each other, but I guess the questions Uncle and I were giving them was too much for her. She snapped and attacked RIJ. I don't know. They almost always seem happier when they are fighting. It's odd. Like watching them dance or something. They way they fight each other... It's almost.. I don't know. Like they fit well together. I watched them fighting and realized they really did match each other well. Both in strength and in power.

I couldnt help feeling a small pang of jealousy watching them. Knowing that she can make him smile like that with her challenge. He used to only have that smile for me. Now she can bring it to his face as well. My jealousy turned to insant rage however when I saw him kiss her. Well.. it LOOKED like he kissed her. Seems it was just a trick. To throw her off her game and win the battle. I expected her to hit him. To hurt him for it. To say something. But she said and did nothing. THAT is when Ori's words came back to me. I wondered if maybe there was some kind of truth to them afterall.

I made her get away from him. She left and it was just him, my uncle and me. RIJ still claims to love me. But I wonder just how deep his love goes now . I can't help but wonder if there really is something going on between him and my sister and just how deep it really goes. Is it lust, or is he beginning to love her? Where does that leave Orion and me?

Diving into my thoughts... In ancient times, men held several wives. RIJ and I were married by my father, who holds some power to make that legal. But it also means that we are bound to the old traditions. Can I share him? And if I could, could I share him with my sister? Do I let him go? CAN I let him go after fighting so hard for him...? Maybe if I let it run it's course he will tire of her. I can pretend it isn't happening. Even cover for her for a little while. A little while.

I want to know if they can be honorable enough to at least come to Bakura or me to let me know. To tell me. If they can, it is possible I can ... deal with it better than I had when i caught them together before she turned back time. I want them to tell me. To respect me enough to tell me. If they can respect me enough to do that...

I can't believe I am even considering this. Am I really that desperate?

Sadly.. I think I am... But unlike Angel... I am not giving up my marriage. Not to or for anyone. But if I have to catch them, or someone else has to show me... I cannot guarantee my mercy to them... I may not be able to kill him for the sake of our son's life. But I sure as hell can kill her. Blood or no blood. She knew better. He is dense enough I expect mistakes...Sure it's frustrating... You know what's even more sick about it?

I am almost relieved he chose my sister. At least I know it's not some tramp somewhere... I know She hasn't been with anyone other than Bakura. So diseases aren't a factor here... Odd.. that can be a comfort to me... Maybe I am lost. Lost to a point that I am almost beyond caring anymore... I used all my energy to fight to keep him... only to lose him to her... I should be angry. Cursing her. I should be tearing them apart... But I am too numb... I just hope they don't think because I know that I want to hear about it... THAT I won't listen to I don't care HOW numb I am...

Ra... Is it true?

2006-06-18T11:22:00.000-07:00

(posted, March 3rd, 2006)

Talk about a whirlwind of emotion. I don't know what to think. Don't know what to feel. Not that I ever really did anymore when it came to RIJ.

Bakura thinks something is going on. Something has to be because Bakura hardly ever gets involved with things. He kept asking RIJ where he was last night. I have no idea what that was about. It doesn't make much sense. Suddenly Malik jumped up and told Bakura to back off, that RIJ just wasn't ready to tell him. Tell him what? everyone wondered. Then Malk told everyone he and RIJ were together...

Talk about a shock and a half. RIJ couldn't even look at anyone... With his reaction as much as I didn't want to believe it, his reaction led me to believe it had to be the truth. And Malik was so certain about it. I guess he had some time that he was unaccounted for as well last night. See Malik has been steadily seeing Sapphira for a little while now. Not sure how she can stand him.. he has to be good to be worth the crap he does... Anyway, Bakura asked her to come out and tell us where Malik was. She said he was with her most the night, but there was a time where he disappeared. Said he ran into an old friend and caught up on some past times... I guess the "old friend" was RIJ afterall.

Then things get even worse... Bakura leaves and Zahara comes out looking pretty PO'd. She said that Bakura sent her to talk to RIJ. She made it clear she would , but alone. Even made our Uncle promise to stay away from them. Now I am wondering what is going on. Why she would want to speak to RIJ of all people, alone... She claimed in case they got into another fight they would be outside and away from anything they could destroy in their battle. Which, knowing them, is very likely. So they left.

I don't know what happened much from there. Everything was a blur. They returned after a little while and Zahara looked a little roughed up, I guess they did get into a fight afterall. At least.. I want to hope that was all it was... Everything was quiet until Oriel woke up calling for her mommy. She sat up and coughed up a lot of blood. More than she ever should have coughed up. Then she fell down and didn't move. Mother and Father and Dorian did everything they could to revive her, but they could not get the poor little girl to wake up. She stopped breathing soon after. Then my uncle comes in saying Angel was kidnapped. It didn't take long for a few of us to put 2 and 2 together to realize Oriel was connected to her mother. If Oriel had died... then Angel hadn't survived her kidnapping either.

I hurried to her room but found the door locked. Zahara came out of her and Bakura's room and when I told her what had happened, the little sneak used her teleportation power to get inside and try to talk to Orifiel who was still inside. My Uncle was there too by the time I got in. Orifiel didn't seem too effected by Oriel's death. At least not visibly which angered my uncle. He left and it was just my sister and me to talk to Orifiel. When I told him Angel was gone too...

What a birthday present for her... Death opening it's arms to take both her and her daughter....

I thought Orifiel was going to cry, or lose it, or something... But he didn't do anything. He said it was his own fault. Zahara left and not long after I heard voices coming from the roof, but I had to stay with him. Something wasn't right. I asked him what he was talking about. He cliamed this wouldn't had happened had he just told her what she wanted to hear. He didn't understand that she didn't want to just hear it. She needed to know it was true. I mean the poor girl had given up her life and her marriage for him. She clung to their daughter knowing she was all she really truly had. It killed her inside knowing the one she loved so much it hurt did not love her back in the same way. She never knew that he did. She never knew that he could not stop loving her, he just could not want her as he used to. I have a feeling it has something to do with Ori. Those 2 are still one and the same...

But because Oriel is dead... because Angel is dead... It won't be long before Orifiel feels their pull. His body was too connected to them to hold on if they passed on. He won't admit it, but he can already feel the weakness.

Then things get worse... He tells me he is drawn to Kayura. He doesn't love her, but he wants her. I asked him if he wanted to go and see Angel. He said no, but I could tell he did. I think he was more afraid of what he would find. I don't blame him. I hadn't seen yet what had happened to her. I just know she didn't survive and she suffered a great deal of blood loss. With my history.. only one real attack could bring about the kind of blood loss I saw in Oriel... Still Orifiel needed some kind of closeur. I took his hand and led him to the balcony in the loungeroom. That was when I first saw the puddle of blood. Nakia and Orion were there at the door staring at it. I knew then that RIj and Zahara were 2 of the people I heard up on the roof. I told Orifiel to go up and say his goodbyes. He left.

I held onto Nakia and Orion for a little while. My mother isn't feeling too well. Angel was her hikari. Her light of lights. She loved and raised Angel as if she were Angel's mother. She is not taking her death all too well at all. I think she blames herself. This won't be good.

To make matters worse, Nakia and Orion had just left me to go to Oriel's side when I felt Ori behind me. He told me we needed to talk. Not sure why, but he seemed to be under the distinct impression that I was afraid of him. Sorry, but I fear no one. Least of all him...

He started asking me questions about RIJ and my sister. Even asked me how I felt about them being together. That's ridiculous. They wouldn't do that, not when they had a second chance to take back what was done. Zahara loves Bakura and her family too much to do something like that. RIJ .. I can see him screwing up like that. But not Zahara. She has always been the honorable one. The "loyal to the end" one. She wouldn't risk everything over something as stupid as an affair... with my husband of all people...

But Ori insisted it had happened. That they were together when Malik claimed he was with RIJ... Ori even chided me about believing Malik. I never said I did, just that I wanted to I guess... It may seem strange, but if he is going to cheat, let it be with Malik. At least that way I know it isn't serious and he will come back to me... But if it is another woman.... He wouldn't. He was drugged in Vegas when Miranda and her friends got to him. He had all the opportunity to bed me when I was Sky and he didn't because he had a wife he told me. He loved me too much to do that... So there is no way he would hurt me like that...

He wouldn't...

Wouldn't he?

Ori pulled me to the roof where I was met with a gruesome scene...

Zahara was covered head to toe in blood. Kayura lay dead at her feet. I admit I never liked Kayura but she was like family to us... Natara and Bryant's daughter. She was one of our own kind... one of the last of our own kind and Natara and Bryant's only daughter. I could feel the rage in Ori. He was not happy, but he never said a word. Orifiel... seemed to be in shock. He never even acknowledged anything was going on. RIJ ... was quiet as well... he seemed like it was not a good thing that I was there...

Ori kept talking about some secret between them. Between Zahara and RIJ. He said that RIJ claimed that Zahara was better than me... you know.. in bed... I have never seen RIJ's face turn so white before... It was almost scary. I admit.. I actually became afraid. And I was also suspicious that Ori had been right all along...To make matters worse, Ori brought Bakura up to the roof as well. When he did that, Zahara suddenly didn't seem so calm and collected like she used to. She kept claiming that Ori was just referring to the time she had erased. Zahara doesn't lie. She has never lied. So why would she start now. I have to believe that she is telling the truth...

Still... there are so many things that are so questionable. Ori claims he can bring Angel back to life if RIJ and Zahara come clean about everything... If there was something to tell, Zahara would have said it by now. She would never put someone at such risk... she could bring back Angel... and that would bring Oriel back and return Orifiel's strength. That is 3 people her words could help. If there was something to tell, she would have spilled it...

Unless I don't know my sister as well as I thought... Which is very possible...

Now I really have to think... I know it happened once. Time was turned back but there is the possibilty it happened again... Will it continue to happen? Was it a one time thing or will he want to go back for more? Will I always wonder if and when they are ever left alone, just what they are doing? Can I forgive him again for this same crime against our family...? Is my love for him really that unconditional?

First I have to find out if it really is true... if so then I will have to face those questions... I'm not ready to face them just yet...

Hard To Swallow...

2006-06-18T11:20:00.000-07:00

(Posted, Feb. 25th, 2006)

How is one supposed to react when after 3 years they learn the nightmare they thought they had was actually truth?

That's right. I had always wondered about the blog entries regarding my sister and RIJ. If I had dreamed it and wrote about the dream... but here it is 3 years later and I learn it had actually happened. But my sister had cast a spell to turn back time so that we could all have a second chance to change things. So it didn't happen this time. RIJ didn't take the news too well. He has shut me out even though I have begged him not to. So I am forced to just carry on with my original plans. Plans Zahara and I have had going for 3 years.

We need Orifiel's cooperation- but we have finally found something that could help him. We could never discuss it in our blogs before. We needed complete secrecy. But if all goes well, we can give Angel her happily ever after fairytale ending for her birthday. Zahara and I know her only wish. To have and be with Orifiel finally and know he loves her and wants only her. This way they and Oriel could finaly be the family they were meant to be...

Well... hopefully this can work. After all she has been through, she deserves happiness again.. We want to see her smile again... Hear her laughter. She hasn't in 3 years. Not even while on stage. And singing has always been her passion. She doesn't enjoy things like she used to and we need to change that. Now while we are strong enough to do it and before our chance is gone...

Now to convince Orifiel....

...

2006-06-18T11:18:00.000-07:00

(posted Feb. 18th, 2006)

I am confused... I swear there is something going on between RIJ and my sister... But I am not sure what... All I know is that Ori is trying to test us. And it is a test I am afraid to take. Not for me. I can be faithful and true to RIJ no matter what. But RIJ... I wonder just how faithful he can be.

I have to trust him... Ori has something planned. I was so close to killing him before mother stopped me. Then Orion, Nakia and Cayden proved their strength. They nearly killed him before I broke their circle... He wants to be killed... but why? What purpose would that serve?

Now my dagger is in Angel's hands. His fate lies with her. But can she kill him? Will she kill him? I fear she has another plan in order. Ori has her confused. She fears Orifiel doesn't care for her the way she thought. If he doesn't.... Then I am afraid we will lose her this time. She could very well take her own life in hopes of ending this battle.

I guess it is up to Orifiel to convince her to stick around... But can he? Does he have a new heart? Will he give it over to her once more? Does he love her as he once claimed? Does he want her or is he just toying with her?

So many questions yet he remains silent... The path has yet to be decided... And I truly fear the results...

Confused...

2006-06-18T11:16:00.000-07:00

(posted, Feb. 12th)

I have read over my blog... Trying to make sense of a few things... And am completely lost...

Events that happened recently matched events that I have already written about... But that doesn't make sense...

Even moreso is the posts about my sister sleeping with RIJ... There is no way that happened... They were never left alone long enough for that to happen and after all the fighting we had done to keep this marriage together- I don't see RIj giving it up now for a one time fling with Zahara.

What I have noticed is an increase of fighting.. and my extreme weakness in battle once again. I have let my practices go. I should have been able to defeat Akito when we faced off earlier. I should have been able to protect Angel and keep her from the hands of the enemy.

But she was taken... Now a few of us wait to see who returns. My Uncle is going crazy with anger and then suddenly just disappears after Zahara says something about our parents being taken...

I know something is wrong... I keep seeing this girl in my dreams ... or just whenever I close my eyes... She looks like me in a few ways... I feel.. some kind of a connection to her. She begs for help. She says things are really about to go wrong and that I should be prepared...

Who is she? What is it does she really want?

Still Angry.. but trying to work it out...

2006-06-18T11:14:00.000-07:00

(posted Feb. 3rd, 2006)

Not too much to add...

Just laid Orion down to sleep and now I am alone in the bedroom with RIJ...

I hate being in this room now. Not after he has been in here with HER. I will NOT be resting in that bed tonight... For once... I have no problem sleeping on the floor.

I am not sure if I can allow myself to be touched by him. I want to. I long to. But this ... this betrayal hurts- even if he claims it to be unintentional. But I have no choice but to believe him for now. If it happens again however... He will have to answer for it. My sister as well... I refused to be betrayed. He has hurt me before, sure, but never like this... Rip my heart out, throw it in a blender and hit frappé. I won't need it anymore if this fails... Hell... Alexander can have a permanate assassin once again... but I will choose my own targets... and I can think of 2 right off the bat...

No... I can't think like that. He seems like he wants to talk. The least I can do is give him that... But I will stay away from that bed. And if he DARES to call me by my sister's name... He sleeps alone. Not that it would bother him...

I can handle being compared to his other clientelle... But the last thing I want is to be compared to my sister...

I want him to love me. Want me. Crave me. Need me... lust for me works too... But I am not so sure the passion burns for him like it does me... He is distant. *sigh* Time to find out why...

Coming Clean...

2006-06-18T11:10:00.000-07:00

(Posted Feb. 2nd, 2006)

I took a chance and let myself become Sky one last time. I had to show RIJ the truth. But I had to be sure if he would speak to me first... But that meddlesome twit Kayura was near him when I found him. She forced my secret out into the open. We exchanged heated words for a short time before I finally told her to get lost.

No, we never did get along.

*sigh* Well, RIJ knows now that all that time he was with Sky he was with me. We also had a long talk and we agreed to try to put what happened between him and my sister behind us and try once again to start anew.

How many more chances should one really get before it is time to call it quits anyway?

Am I really a fool to keep believing that he really loves me enough to make this work? We have a family... yet he seems confused. He is worn and tired... or at least has a lot on his mind. He wants to forget.. at least he tells me... But something tells me there is something more he is keeping from me. Something I fear.

I would like to say I trust my sister, but truth be known, I don't right now. They are both acting too strange.

And then there is Ori adding another twist to an already bad night...

He is still wanting me to wipe Angel's memory clean. He has given me everything I need to do so for her- but none of what I need to wipe away Orifiel's memory. I explained to Ori that they would need to kiss at the end of the spell for it to take effect.... he seemed tense but he understood. He just wants her back. I can't say that I blame him. But I can see her side to this. We all seem to be able to except him. He is acting possessive and controlling. It is actually cause to be concerned. It makes me wonder if I should be making a small adjustment to the spell...

RIJ didn't like me speaking with Ori even though I was at a distance- right beside RIJ and Orion for that matter. He glared at me so when I spoke I kept my gaze on RIJ. My answers were short and to the point. I tried to get him to find someone else, but he wanted me. He knows I can do this better than anyone can. I have been practicing the magic arts a lot longer than the others. I tried to say no. I tried to give him suggestions of others who could do this... My marriage is on the rocks. I was not about to do anything more to hurt the fragile connection RIJ and I had left. But when RIJ disappeared later into the kitchen, I gave in and went to the balcony where everything is set up...

Now all I can do is wait for the time to be right.

And pray that it works...

But with my head the way it is... One small mispronounciation.... One small slip up... and the entire spell can and will be changed. There are other spells in which a person's blood and hair are needed for the ritual... Binding and unbinding spells, summoning spells, healing and tracking spells, mind swipe spells and death spells... Just to name a few...

If somehow I accidently said a wrong word or phrase... I could make Angel's life a little easier... or make it 10 times worse...

Time to wait and see...

Betrayed...

2006-06-18T11:07:00.000-07:00

(Posted Jan. 31st, 2006)

once again...

RIJ always gave me such a hard time about Malik and Marik and then Ori/Orifiel... But at least I have never once broken my wedding vows to him... I have never been to bed with anyone else. Not even when we were separated. BUt I thought I had somehow managed to go to sleep when I walked into my room and came face to face wiht the nightmare of seeing RIJ in bed with my sister. Apparently, they thought they were with their spouse when they left the party and came up for some fun...

Now I am left trying to concentrate on getting the mind swipe spell ready at Ori's request so tht Angel's and Orifiel's minds will be erased of each other's memries on top of dealing with this betrayal. To make matters worse RIJ acts like it is MY fault and leaves. I don't know when or if he will be back... If he doesn't I will have to go out after him again...

Forget it... Ori is just going to have to wait.

My marriage is more important right now. He pushed Angel away with his jealousy and I don't feel right messing with her mind. I don't know what changes were made when she became immortal. And with my mindstate the way it is- I could seriously mess things up... I need to solve this problem before I try to help solve Ori's...

Not Sure What To think...

2006-06-18T11:04:00.000-07:00

(Posted Jan. 28th, 2006)

Well what would you think if your husband started hitting on your sister...?

I don't know where it started.... or when... but I tell you, something struck me very oddly about their actions toward each other. He hates her with a passion... yet first he says she would make a great potential Yami, then it leads to his sexual past. Malik even agreed with him that she was a lot like the women he kept for customers.... the way she didn't move when he had his arm around her.. and the way they looked at each other when he held her chin in his hand... He even asked her what she thought things would be like if he had been with her. She told them they would kill each other- that he couldn't handle her. He seemed hurt at first- probably more of an act though knowing him. He then leaned in to ask her if she was sure it wasn't the other way around... I could have sworn it looked like they were about to kiss each other...

I think it looked that way to Bakura too. He was seeing red... and I don't mean my husband... It didn't help that Malik was adding to things. He tempts RIJ with stories or hints of his own past experiences. I almost think RIJ would like to have my sister for a one night stand....

No! I CAN'T go there. Not after everything I have fought so hard for... There is no way I would allow that....

Wow... maybe this is how Ori feels when it comes to Orifiel... The probelm there is that I have the feeling that Angel's heart longs too greatly for Orifiel... She has been off since she revived as an immortal. Quite honestly, she acts the way I did when RIJ and I had split for that time. Lost. Empty. She even holds her hand over her heart several times. I recognize that stance. I watched RIJ do that when he came to me begging me to take away his pain. I seriously think she is experiencing something similar to RIJ's pain. But how will she be able to relieve it? She loves both Ori and Orifiel. But neither of them wish to share her. She has to make a choice. Someone is going to be hurt...

Ra... I don't envy her position right now...

the Party is tomorrow night. With masks in place- everyone is fair prey for the game. Now we have to see just who wins...

Nothing is ever boring here for long...

2006-06-18T11:00:00.000-07:00

(Posted Jan. 26th, 2006)

Well it turns out the shout I heard from Ori was because he woke up to Angel being attacked and by the time he got to her she was taken away. I don't know who took her or why. Zahara seemed to know though. They needed help finding her and I did not dare leave my room. Not with RIJ asleep and Orion still vulnerable...

So I had them all come into the room, being careful not to distrub RIJ who was sleeping on the floor. I took of my quartz pendant and pulled out a map. After a few minutes of everyone concentrating Ori suddenly says she is at the circus. Not long after that the pendant stops over the spot the circus was set up. So Ori, along with my mother and sister and Bakura, all went out after Angel.

I know I told RIJ I wouldn't help Ori any more. But it is just in my nature to help someone in need now. Kind of like trying to make up for all the harm I did as an assassin. I rested a little after they left. My Uncle stayed behind as well. RIJ was surprised to see him, but said nothing much. He isn't much of a talker when he first wakes up I have noticed. It was a little while before Zahara poked her head in to tell me that they found Angel. By then Orion was awake and RIJ had as well so we met up in my parent's penthouse suite. We just hung out I guess.. nothing major. I noticed Vanessa was not around but thought nothing of it... I should have but I didn't...

At one point Angel and Ori joined us and they... weren't looking that great. I would have thought they would have been making up for lost time as Bakura had put it when speaking to my sister. But something was wrong. One I could sense Angel still in a deal of pain sustained from the attack. Being a mortal girl.... She has to be careful. But our enemies don't see the different between mortal and immortal. We are all the same to them. She really should have Dorian or another Earth based doctor take a look at her... then again- if she goes to an Earth doctor... She risks Ori being hauled away for domestic violence and nearing beating her to death. Because to tell the cops she was kidnapped by people who can disappear and reappear whenever they wish... I somehow doubt that will go over very well.

Anyway- they joined us and Malik gave them a hard time. Tunrs out what he was teasing them about was very much what they were concerned over. Ny sister bought Angel a test and soon after she was gone to take it. While she was gone everyone tried to convince Ori that he would be a good father. That he would know wheat to do when it needed to be done. Then she came out to give the news.

My foolish sister never learned to keep her mouth shut... She asked who the father was.. Ori or Orifiel... That sparked a whole new conversation. One that ended with Ori was in control of his body now and Orifiel wasn't around so the child would probably only know one father. Somehow after taht the conversation was turned to Orifiel. Seems Angel was playing matchmaker... But who would really benefit from this action?

I know she cares deeply for Orifiel... I am more than 100% certain he feels the same for her. I can't help but wonder if he is going out with Vanessa to distract himself from Angel. That and by dating Vanessa he can still be within watching distance of Angel in case she is ever in trouble... But because he would be seeing someone else, Ori couldn't say or do anything about it. But because of Ori and Orifiel having different bodies... Orifiel and Angel could never rightfully act on their feelings for each other. I see this as a bad thing.

One day they will be in a place in which the events look grim for them... They will have one last chance to be together... And they will take it... It will be the best they ever had. The best they would ever experience because he would not be forcing her and she would be freely giving him everything she could....

But what do I know... I'm not the visionary of the group... I could be wrong. Maybe in time their feelings will fade... But also over time they could grow too.. that whole loving and wanting someone right there- yet so out of their reach... RIJ knows that feeling... Ever since Kiza had returned... He still loves her. He still wants her. And it kills him that she doesn't return the feelings the same as his own. It kills him even more that he cannot have her. Which is a good thing for me...

I think...

I hope...

Coming out....

2006-06-18T10:58:00.001-07:00

(posted Jan. 23rd. 2006)

Of hiding that is... RIJ and I decided we could not just keep hiding all the time. So we came back to a few changes... Seems Ori and Orifiel are finally 2 separate people. Something tells me Angel isn't handling that very well... But it is not my place so I have kept my distance. I am more focused on keeping Orion safe.

We are going to go to a circus... Cayden and Sora wanted to go. Should be fun...

I just hope it's a good idea.

Still anything is better than staying at the house... I am almost tempted to talk to RIJ about moving back to Vegas and living in his home away from the ghosts after Orion... But even I can't be sure that they wouldn't follow...

We just have to make sure we find a way to get rid of them...

In Hiding...

2006-06-18T10:58:00.000-07:00

(posted Jan. 17th, 2006)

I thought running from Alexander had been bad... running and hiding from a couple of relentless ghosts is unbelievable. They want Orion for some twisted purpose. I can't let them take him. I won't. I will die before that happens. And I am not about to let that happen either. Not after seeing the joy in RIJ's face when Orion said his first words... Dada. Yup. I woke up to hearing Orion call for his dada. It was beautiful and RIJ tried not to let his tears show. But I saw them. He really does love Orion... If there had ever been a doubt, that cleared it up right there... I can't let Orion go. I can't let him be taken from RIJ.

From me...

But lately there has been another fear...

Not only have these ghosts been after RIJ and me... But I have been dreaming. I have dreamt that the elders had returned. They cursed RIJ a few years ago. He was not supposed to love. He went from loving children to hating them. But now... He was granted permission to love again. But the children part... What if the ghosts sent for Orion... are working for the elders in an attempt to take RIJ's child away from him?

Ra... why can't we just live happily ever after like in the fairytales....?

Because that is all they are.

Fairytales...

I will hold on as long as I can. I won't let go. Not even death will stop me. I will keep my family together one way or another.

I have to.

Losing My Mind...

2006-06-18T10:54:00.001-07:00

(Posted, Jan. 11th, 2006)

I swear that is how I feel right now. Everything is so very strange. First the ghost thing, and then...

I know I saw him. Aiden appeared to me. Oriana was in my room trying to convince me that RIJ didn't love me. That he could never love me. That if he truly loved me, he would be able to tell me everything he is hiding. The sad things is, a small part of me believes her. But I also know how hard it is for him to open up. I just have to really bide my time. And since I have to move slowly right now... I have time to bide...

Falling out a window from 2 floors up is not something i will recommend. Granted it was not my intention to do so... Aidena dn Oriana got into a fight and all 3 of us were pushed out the window. My being the only one alive out of the 3, I didn't just bounce up and go back to fighting like they did. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. I couldn't even open my eyes. To make matters worse, Téa came back to finish me off as well. I don't blame her... I would want to kill off the one who killed me to if I had the chance...

I don't remember much after that though. I remember my Uncle getting stabbed while trying to stop Téa. He was hurt pretty badly. Not a wound one should have been able to walk away from. Angel and Ori were beside me... Well Ori was for a little while, then Ori freaked out and the next thing I know Orifiel is in his place...

How does Angel manage to keep the 2 straight? How can she manage being married to a man with this darker personality living within him like this? One is so kind... The other... cold and cruel- typically after one thing and one thing only.... Which reminds me.. I probably should check his blog later to see if there is anything I have been nissing. I see RIJ has had some company on his blog... I was amazed to see a ghostly response from Aiden...

Aiden... My system took a shock in seeing him... So many memories of my past came flooding back. So many things I had tried to bury... I am actually kind of glad RIJ wasnt' really listening to Aiden when they apparently spoke earlier... Who knows what Aiden told him... Of everything I have ever said about Aiden.... There was one secret I have kept. One both Malik and Marik know. Only because they were there when....

Never mind. I am not yet ready to face it. I couldn't handle it then... It was no different from the time I thought I had lost Orion...

Kiza has been here... and now with Aiden's appearance, something big is about to go down... I can't help but wonder what... and what will happen as a result..

(comments posted to original blog Jan. 11th, 2006-

1: Marik- "I know I have been forced to keep my distance becuse of RIJ- but our friendship is still in place. We have both hurt each other during this time of confusion, but I still value you. I will always be here for you. I can catch you when you fall. And I will be there for you when RIJ isn't. He truly is not aware of the treasure he has in you.

I know you do not feel for me as you do him. But as long as we are friends it is all I can ask we continue to be. Your secret... I have ket it this long, I will continue to keep it. RIJ will never learn from me. I promise. *hugs* "
2: Malik- "RIJ is a stubborn a$$ of a man who can't see what is in front of his face. I'm sorry, I know you love him but it is true. The man is so caught up in his past he is missing out on the present and the special gift he has been given in you.

Yes, I know that was mushy... And nothing at all like me, but it is the truth and he needs to open his eyes to see that before something happens...

Listen... I know I am not the best guy around. I am not going to deny it. The history you and I shared is more than proof enough for you. I put you throug hell and back. Course at the start was before your mind cleared... Anyway it doesn't matter...

Sanura... Princess... I did actually care for you then. I do still care for you now. That is why, like my hikari, I have kept your secret for so long. And if you need us, we will be near by when you decide you are ready....

Or you can take RIJ's personal opinion of this and just say he doesn't need to know about unimportant things...")

lost...

2006-06-18T10:54:00.000-07:00

(Posted Jan. 7th, 2006)

That is the only way for me to put it. The day started out fine. Angel and Ori were enjoying the peaceful ness after the fact before we all were able to join each other... then Angel, Zahara and I joined together, putting on French maid's uniforms and caused a stir within the men. RIJ was the only one who remianed cool about that I might add lol.

Then I felt a change. See... Ori and Angel left for a moment, and then suddenly they just reappeared out of nowhere... but that was when I sensed the difference. After a few days without Dark Ori around, he came back. But Angel no longer seemed fearful of him. She actually seems to be okay with him, which is but one reason why left them alone. Don't get me wrong. Angel feared something, but she had turned to Dark Ori for protection and comfort. And he was willingly giving it to her without complaint. Something is different about him. But I can't worry about that. Seems there is a different issue at hand.

RIJ would never believe this... But I spoke to Kiza today. She worried about her appearance. I had seen much worse in my time as an assassin... To be honest, it hardly registered to me what she had looked like. She came with a warning. RIJ was in danger. He couldn't be left alone. None of us could be. But more importantly, RIJ and myself. Though what I have done she did not answer me... She said that Ori and Angel would only be in danger if they interfered... I am wondering now if this had something to do with Angel's fear earlier. I have to be even more careful to keep RIJ away from water.. at least while alone. Safety in numbers they always say.

Why is RIJ in danger? Does it have something to do with his murderous rep? Just who is after him? I wish I knew more. Perhaps I can call upon Kiza later and get a few more answers.

At least I hope for his sake....

Truth Or Dare

2006-06-18T10:52:00.000-07:00

(Posted Jan. 6th, 2006)

Not sure what was going through Ori's mind when he came up with playing this game last night.... For some we got answeres to a few questions we were looking forward to. For others, we just had fun with the dares.

There was a time when truth between RIJ and me came round back and forth. He learned how I felt about him and why. And I learned a few small things about him. I will probably never find out what happened after that fight in the woods. RIJ doesn't want to talk about it. So for his sake, I guess I will drop it...

He and Malik got to talking about Sky though... That is a well guarded secret that until now has not really been much of a threat to me... But I was beginning to feel my control slipping after a moment... Gladly though, they dropped it.

RIJ and I left the room. The livingroom I guess was given to Ori and Angel for a little while. About time I guess... She can finally "know" her own husband and not his darker half. It seems he has gotten his confidence back some which could prove interesting for them.... The only one threatening to go into the room is Malik.... I swear he is itching to get creamed... But who will be the one to beat him into submission...

That will be the next question to be answered soon...

Tough Decisions...

2006-06-18T10:50:00.000-07:00

(posted Jan. 5th, 2006)

Mother's hikari has really been hit hard with making choices. Her whole life has been tough and filled with darkness trying to claim her- and nearly succeeding. This time however...

It seems she is battling the darkness... and she feels like she is doing so alone. I don't know what happened between her and Ori when they went outside, but I know that she returned before he did. And went directly to Mother. They went into another room and had a long talk. I heard sounds of Angel crying. She says she knows Ori fears her and she can't live with that. She also fears that hard as she tries she will hurt someone if this curse on her is allowed to continue to run it's course. I don't blame her for wanting to end it... In the vampiric form, sh could be nearly as strong, if not stronger than me... and I was nearly able to take out Ori a long time back... If she got to be stronger than my sister who took on RIJ....

There will be side effects to getting rid of this curse. She may just remain immortal among other things....

*shrugs* Mother has it under control. She and the others have been locked in Angel's room getting it ready. She even requested one of my rarest magic books...

I am watching Angel now in the corner of the room. She is staying off to herself. She looks sad; and terribly alone. Her eyes are swollen from her tears and I can hear her sniffling. Cayden tried to sit with her and make her laugh and she turned herself even farther away. I still don't know where Ori went to. He is probably still out underneath the tree she left him under. It isn't the one I burnt down... but it is a tree none the less...

In all the time I have known Angel.. I have never seen her quite like this. So forlorn. So fragile... she is extremely vulnerable right now. She needs Ori's support right now. She needs his reassurance. My guess he tried to give it but found he could not do so in a convincing way...

Not that I blame him. He was face to face with someone who could kill him... If she wanted to.

But she doesn't.

As for me? Just still trying to figure out what happened to RIJ after he left Orion, my uncle, and me in the woods. He has been very quiet as well. Looks like this will be a very quiet week.

I hear Mother calling for Angel. She is looking up now with those dark blue eyes of hers. But the light within them is gone. I am hoping it isn't too late. It is almost sunset... They must work fast to get it down before darkness falls and the temptation for her becomes stronger... teeth or no teeth- I have seen what someone will do when the need for blood hits... And if she gets a taste.... she will change whether she wants to or not... Not giving in was the smartest things she could have done today...

I wish her luck... the best of luck...

She's going to need it.

Beyond Confused... but very happy...

2006-06-18T10:47:00.000-07:00

(Posted Jan. 1st, 2006)

I wish I knew what happened and why. I had been getting several phone calls in the past few days threatening my family and friends. But they never seemed to be anything to be too concerned about. Plus after making my promise to RIJ... I didn't know just what to do.

But then Cayden disappeared.

Then I knew.

I knew I should have paid more attention to the calls. I just didn't want RIJ to start thinking I was sneaking off on him. And I was't sure how to explain my actions if I was to leave. It got worse. Nakia was missing but there was no note. And then Sapphira was attacked. Taken. Along with Orion. I cracked. NO one takes my son from me. I lost him once and RIJ had been able to somehow bring him back. I refuse to let anyone take him from me. I knew I had to face him again.
Face Alexander and face my fate...

Bakura went with me. But we weren't alone. I conviced RIJ to trust my aunt to keep Riza safe within her protective sheild as we knew that Riza was also a target. But Alexander wasn't done. My mother and Ori joined us. Angel was kidnapped as well. And she was already weakened by loss of blood from a nasty cut she had taken earlier. Except right away I recognized that it wasn't Ori that had joined us. I just was unable to say anything.

Anyway- there was a fight. Seemes Alexander had hidden a part of himself within an old vampire I knew by the name of Damon. He insisted that the only way to save Orion was for me to surrender to my fate and accept my punishment for betraying Alexander. I stepped up to give in but RIJ pleaded with me not to. He said that Orion couldn't live without me. Something in the way he said that made me stop. He seemed... fearful. I asked him what he meant by that and he said that then wasn't the time for the explanation. I have to remember to ask him about it later...

Nakia made herself known not long after that and used her little gifts to pull Orion from Damon. I caught him and RIJ and I just held him to us. The rest of the battle was a blur. One minute everyone was there. There were screams, and shouts and then there was silence. RIJ, Orion and I were left alone. And all he did was hold me.

Then my Uncle appeared saying that Riza was asking for him and something to do with meeting her mother. RIJ held me a mintue longer before closing his eyes and disappearing, leaving my Uncle and me alone. We walked back in silence. Then I went to my room after getting back home. I had just finished telling Orion how much I loved his father, and him, and Riza when I heard RIJ behind me. He called me kitten again in this tearful voice. I turned to see the tears I had heard.

RIJ.. the great, almighty, cold, cruel, heartless, and murderous yami- was standing before me completely vulnerable and in tears. He didn't even try to hide them. I only said his name and he came to me and just held me tightly, telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me.

I was shocked.

But VERY relieved and happy. Then very concerned...

Orion was trapped between us so I had RIJ let me go long enough for me to put Orion in his crib. When I turned back to him I found him on his knees still in tears. I knelt in front of him and just held him, trying to calm him.

I don't know what happened that made him react this way. I am gald he was finally able to tell me though. And I once again swore to him that I was going no where. It seems that was his fear. That I would disappear. That I would leave him. He begged for our family to stay together. He said he wanted us to remain a family, with Riza and Orion.

That is all I have wanted from the beginning.

That is what I told him. He continues to beg me not to go away. I have no intention of doing so. I made my vow. I will never break it.

RIJ? I told you once, I will tell you again.

I go no where, unless you, Orion, and Riza are with me. We are a family and you 3 are my world. I'd be lost without you.

I love you.

Better Than Expected...

2006-06-18T10:42:00.000-07:00

(posted Nov. 29th, 2005)

Well I finally came out and told RIJ what I had been hiding for the past 3 months... Dorian confirmed everything earlier and said that I was indeed already 3 months along. Seems Aunt AFG and I will be expecting at the same time...

I don't know if we are having a boy or a girl... I have an idea what a daughter would look like, but still not sure yet for a son. Still keeping my names unless RIJ comes up with something he wants... Like if he wants to name our daughter after someone in particular...

Anyway- I expected a range of emotions. Anger being one of them. But he just got quiet. Cayden was on my lap then at ne point climbed onto RIJ's lap and asked him if he was going to be a daddy. RIJ was stunned silent. But when Blue had to leave he said he was staying with me for support... So I am guessing that is a good sign.

I am still a little tired so I will be going to bed for a nap. Then maybe I will fix RIJ something really special for dinner tonight...

Been Awhile...

2006-06-18T10:40:00.000-07:00

(Posted Nov. 28th, 2005)

Things have been topsy turvey since my last update. Ori and Mother's hikari have this strange game they seem to play with each other's minds... *shakes head* I still don't entirely understand it. Not sure I want to either.

RIJ still stays with me more often than not now. He really clings to me which I am glad. I wonder just how bored he gets when he isn't here.

I guess I should eventually say something that will explain my strange behavior the past few days. I still have to find a way to talk to RIJ... Something is changing. I have seen him watching me as I play with Cayden. I help him to learn his letters, and colors and things like that. I try to get him to speak more. RIJ almost seems.. I don't know... like he is in awe over my interaction with Cayden. I wonder what he would do if we had a child of our own. If he wants any of his own, or how many... I just don't know. he is confusing on this subject. And not just here. In the BZ thread he actually asked me what i would name our children... The names I gave him there are the same ones I would give them here... Kalista and Keegan... Though I have absolutely no idea what they would look like...
Then again I never gave it a GREAT deal of thought. I gave up after the last time... But this time I know I am not ill. This is something different. the question now is....

Can we deal with what is about to happen?

( comments posted to original blog Nov. 29th, 2005:

1: Blue - "Awww! How cute...(or scary) would that be if you and RIJ had a child!!"
2: RIJ - " *blinks* Whats all this talk about?" )

I Wish I Knew....

2006-06-18T10:38:00.000-07:00

(Posted Nov. 22nd, 2005)

Things have become confusing again...

RIJ was almost distant this morning. After so many days together where we did everything a married couple does and then some... We went on dates, walked in the park, watched movies in front of the TV... I thought things were going great...

But he turned cold this morning... I haven't done anything wrong... We kiss all the time... most times, he is the one to start them... He tells me that he doesn't like to kiss... so.. then.. what was it we were doing...?

He was so quiet...

I hate when he pulls away.

A Blissful World...

2006-06-18T10:36:00.000-07:00

(Written Nov. 20th, 2005)

Have I ever said just how much I love RIJ? Or have I gone on long enough about it XD. I can't help it. The way he looks at me, holds me, kisses me.... *stops before saying too much more* Even though he hates water- he has been known to take really quick showers so he can smell good for me... but those are VERY quick showers lol. I don't mind. It makes it that much nicer to snuggle up with him. And when he leans his head against mine..... *goes off into dreamland*

*wakes up* Wha-? oh yeah.. my reason for posting...

To Ori... I wish I could give you better news... *sigh* RIJ and I both spoke with her for a long time... Well... I spoke he listened and well.. pretended to listen- basically ignored us... She... She is standing by her sister. You will have to prove you did not do the things her sister said you did in order to stand a chance. I am sorry. If you need help proving it is possible we can work something out...

*looks over at the bed* My love awakes. I must go for now, but I shall return. For now though.. I just can't get enough of RIJ.. and he is always telling me how he needs me, wants me, can't get enough of me... *sighs dreamily* Once you get passed the walls he put up around him, he is really not that bad a guy. And the best one I could have ever had to pick to marry. I wouldn't give up being his wife for ANYTHING. I love you my dark prince. ^_^

Confused...

2006-06-18T10:34:00.000-07:00

(posted Nov. 15th, 2005)

I thought Ori hated me... I was pretty sure I hated him... I KNOW RIJ hates him...

wow... I actually called him Ori for once... I am surprised...

I kind of feel bad for him- though a lot of what his problem is he kind of did to himself... I told him I would talk to Sandy... Not sure what good it will do, but I can try to talk to her to see if she can just listen to him.

RIJ is being possessive... and I like it ^_^. He would never hurt me. And I understand he is afraid he will lose me after everything he has been through. I just hope he remembers to trust me. I love him and no one can change that. They can try- but no one else will kiss me, or hold me the way I let RIJ do...

He has spent the last few days with me and it has been heaven. If loving him is wrong then I never wanna be right because I feel like I finally belong somewhere. And I belong safely wrapped in his arms as I have been every night we have been together.

No. RIJ has no reason to fear. I am too much in love to give up what we have. And I take my vows seriously. I am his wife. HIS Kitten. No one else's.

(comments posted to Original blog on Nov. 20th, 2005:

1: RIJ- "Yes, you are MY kitten. *possessively growls*"
2: Ori- "...you feel bad for me? ...*sees RIJ and backs away a little* So..how did it go with Sandy anyway? Did you manage to set up a date? *hopeful grin*")

Feeling Relieved...

2006-06-18T10:32:00.000-07:00

(posted November 10th, 2005)

I was beginning to wonder how things were. RIJ had been kind of moody the last few times I had seen him. So very distant. He still won't say what it was exactly and out of respect I don't push him. I know he needs his distance at times.

But he surprised me this morning. When I came out of my room- I was quiet and cautious because Orifiel was there. But I think as long as I don't speak to him or look at him, he is just fine with me around. Then again I think we had him a little uncomfortable this morning. hehe.

I don't know what has come over us. RIJ and I never used to be so public with our affections. We kept it to private moments between us. I guess that is why so many people didn't think we really cared about each other because we did fight so much. No one ever saw the tender moments between us. And now that we are finally married, I swear the moments are even more. I didn't think I could love this deeply for anyone. But he has since proven me wrong. I admit it worries me when he shuts me out, but I know I have a tendency to do the same to others. I don't remember doing that to him, but I may have on a few ocassions in the past.

Anyway, getting back on topic...

I over heard Blue and my sister speaking this morning. Blue finds it odd that that RIJ seems to be so affectionate. She said it was hard for her to see him like this. I was left wondering why it was so hard? Was it because he has spent so long buried underneath his grief and anger that he just never learned to show affection again? I don't know. But I do know that he seems to have regained the knowlege on how to treat someone he loves. And yes, I am certain he loves me. There is no longer any hesitation in his voice when he says those words to me. And this morning, I sat down and he snuggled up right against me almost instantly. As if he missed me- like I had been gone for days. I admit I was gone one night... I .. I was ill. Not very, but enough that I stayed in bed and slept most of the day. I have been feeling that way off and on the past few days. I was glad I wasn't feeling that way this morning, or the rest of the day for that matter. Blue let him stay with me... and... well I won't go into details, but it was as magical as it was that first night... He really can be so very gentle with me, the words he whispers to me, the way he says my name. I melt everytime. If only he could just somehow see what his love does to me. Feel what I feel. But I don't really need him to. He is perfect to me as is. He worries because of a few things he is missing... like his heart... But he seems to be doing just fine without it... He still holds me tight and whispers all the things I have longed so long to hear. I love to run my fingers through his hair... I love these peaceful moments between us.

Well, he is waking up and calling for me. I must go to him. Yes it is a must. I need to go to him. To be with him as often and for as long as I can. I want to cherish every moment we have together. I never want to let him go. I just want to stay in his arms forever........

Please Ra let that be... Let me be with him forever...

New Home...

2006-06-18T10:28:00.000-07:00

(posted Oct. 28th, 2005)

I don't have a lot to say really... I have had to do a lot of thinking...

I know it is my fault that Violet is in the condition that she is... I met wit Orifiel long enough to plead with him to go back to her. To help her. I promised I would leave and he would never have to see me again if he did so... He couldn't get away fast enough... I don't know to be relieved or insulted... I knew my promise would keep me away from the house indefinitely. I was afraid I would not have been able to say good bye to RIJ....

But I received a shock when he found me. He actually suggested we get a place of our own. So we did. We now have a mansion on the beach. A beautiful place just in need of some touch ups.. some paint... wallpaper... plants, a garden and some flowers... you get the point. Anyway- he spoke to Orifiel earlier. Apparently he is bringing our things to the beach but he doesn't know why... Not that I am exactly comfortable with Orifiel having to go through our room to get our things...

But now I can make a nice home for RIJ... A place he can enjoy calling home... At least I hope I am able to... He is so understanding.... No one would ever stop to think that, but he is... There really is so much more to him than what he has shown in the past... He does not realize a part of him has begun to shine... he is a diamond on the rough.... but he will always be my dark prince....

Scared....

2006-06-18T10:23:00.000-07:00

(Posted Oct. 24th, 2005)

I... I don't know how to begin to try to explain this... Something horrible happened today. I never meant for it to happen. I don't even really know what has gotten into me. Ever since that night on the beach when Orifiel insisted he knew my fear... which he was partially right, and I still want to know how he knows about my past, everytime he is around I feel defensive and on the attack. Today was not really different at first.

RIJ and I were celebrating our wedding. Drinking glasses of wine and laughing... until Malik and Adais joined forces and we ended up with our wine all over ourselves. RIJ tackled my brother and I got my renvenge on him then, but thing went wrong with RIJ went after both Marik and Malik... He insulted Blue and caused a fight. A fight that Orifiel came in to stop. Then for some reason we got to talking again. Well.. arguing. I want to know what he knows about me. I want to know about this girl Sandy now who looks identical to me and why he is so hung up on her... I want to know why he is so damned cold.... and cruel. My poor niece... *sighs*

Orifiel and I got into a struggle and Nakia came out. She saw a rose he had dropped and picked it up to give it to him. He shouted at her. But so innocent, she tried to give him the rose again. She kept saying "don't hurt" I am guessing he didn't like that. But that would be an understatement. His face went red and he yelled at her to get lost. I lost it. He can belittle, talk down to, and be rude to me all he wants, but he won't crush the heart of an innocent child. Least of all my neice. I attacked him. I saw nothing and heard no one but him. My whole focus was on him. I remember voices and screaming and crying, but not who said or did what. Then the worst thing happened...

Something whispered in my mind to kill him. That he deserved to die. I was ready to. I had him bent backward until I could get a better grip on him and yanked his head back. My dagger's blade was at his throat. All I had to do was drag it across with some pressure... It was all that would have been required. I told him not to think I wouldn't do it. He told me to go ahead. I would have too. I wanted to. I could taste the fear and the scent of it intoxicated me. Even now my heart jumps at the thought. But lucky for him... and for my soul... I was stopped... By 2 tiny hands and a tear streaked face.

Nakia had saved us both.

I dropped my dagger in shock and fell to my knees taking her. But she eventually went to Ori and tried the rose again. She pleaded with me to not kill him... The last thing I heard was Sapphira and my mother's hikari crying out for Blue and Blue begging for Violet to wake up. I don't know what happened, and I am certain I will learn if I decide to leave my room... But I am not. Not right now.

No one would understand that I just lived one of my greatest fears this morning. I can't face anyone out there. Maybe RIJ was right... Maybe what little bit of light Ra gave me just isn't enough to conquor the darkness Alexander put in my heart.

I would give anything to be held right now. Just be rocked asleep and then wake up to find it all a dream. That I never attacked Orifiel and I didn't come close to...

If I kill again it could be all over for me. I can't allow myself to get that way again... I can't...

RIJ please don't hate me for what you saw this morning... I do love you...

IT FINALLY HAPPENED!!

2006-06-18T10:20:00.000-07:00

(posted Oct. 22nd, 2005)

YES!!!! It actually happened!! I am soo on cloud nine right now ^_^.

It was a rocky start this morning with Orifiel.... He doesn't want me to use his full name.... *smirk* Not like he can stop me lol...I will call him Orifiel if I want to. He thought he won his little power game this morning. But not only did I turn the tables on him but he finally left... And then the best thing happened.

RIJ AND I FINALLY GOT MARRIED!!!!

*still dancing around happily*

I hope he realizes he just made me the happiest woman on this planet... quite possibly the universe at this moment ^_^ .
It was a small little ceremony on the beach- kind of like ancient times... A simple exchange of rings and a promise made between each other... then Father said congratulations... *sighs happily* I may not be writing for a little while... RIJ said something about "special" plans for tonight.... I know his Yami mind... so I get the feeling I am going to be very... occupied for a little while lol....

A part of me can't help but wonder what Orifiel will do when he finds out... He acts as though we met before... but he doesn't admit to it... I admit there is a lot of my past with Alexander that I don't remember. O_O.... wait.. how DID he know about Alexander....? All that came out BEFORE he came around.... *gulps* I may really have to do some thinking.... He knows something... about me that he shouldn't... There is only one way he could know... If he was there when I was... Did he work with Alexander too? Was someone he was involved with a victim of mine... was he someone I left for dead? Was he... Oh Ra... Please don't tell me he was some fling I had before Aiden came along.... No- I remember that.... I have no memories after Kiza's death.... Up until my mother and father freed me of Alexander's control..... If I was involved with Orifiel after her death.... that would explain why I don't remember him or.... us...

*shaking head* No... I won't think of that anymore tonight... I have a sexy little number waiting for me to wear just for RIJ on our wedding night... *sly yami-ish smirk* now... to tend to my husband... *licks lips* I LOVE the sound of that word....

...

2006-06-18T10:19:00.000-07:00

(posted Oct. 20th, 2005)

-_-

Why is it I am no longer surprised by anything? He is afraid he will lose me yet he can't commit to marriage... This is driving me crazy. He knows I love him and will always love him. He knows what will make me the happiest woman alive. Knows that the fact that I am immortal means I am not going anywhere for several more centuries... if he lives that long... Do Yami's live forever?

He freaked out today when I cut my hand. It was as if it was the end of the world... That leads me to belief that he would seriously think the world had ended if something happened to me... Sweet and yet scary at the same time... If only he would finally get his head out from where it is and realize there is one real easy solution to what he is facing... Make this union official... no need for a judge, just a small ring ceremony- my father could perform it. Hell, my Uncle also being of royal family can perform it... nothing more than a simple exchange of rings and a simple vow... that's all... but he can't seem to do it... Whihc makes me wonder why... was he this close to marrying Kiza before she was killed...? Is that why it is so hard for him to move past this point? I hope he realizes that things are different now... I am still here and I am not going anywhere...

RIJ please... Don't let out chance pass you by. I love you!

Yes I Will/ Confused

2006-06-18T10:17:00.000-07:00

(posted October 12th, 2005)

Yes I will...

I have a song that has been on my mind... Well... several songs really but this one... well it is more one that I would love to be able to hear from RIJ... It is called Yes I Will by The Backstreet Boys... Yeah yeah I know... the pop group, but I loved their music... but by seeing the lyrics you may understand why I would love to hear some - most of these words come from him...

I open my eyes I see your face
I cannot hide I can't erase
The way you make me feel inside
You complete me girl, that's why
Something about you makes me feel
Baby my heart wants to reveal
I'm down on my knees, I'm asking you
So these three words I wanna hear from you

chorus:
Yes I will, take your hand and walk with you
Yes I will, so these three words I promise to
Yes I will, give you everything you need
And someday start a family with you
Yes I will, take your hand and walk with you
Yes I will, baby I promise to
Yes I will, give you everything you need
And someday start a family with you

Oh yes I will

This is no ordinary love
And I can never have enough
Of all the things you've given to me
My heart , my soul , my everything
Every night I thank you lord(I thank you lord)
For giving me the strenght to love her more
And more each day I promise her
As long as I hear those three words

chorus:
Yes I will, take your hand and walk with you
Yes I will, so these three words I promise to
Yes I will, give you everything you need
And someday start a family with you
Yes I will, take your hand and walk with you
Yes I will, baby I promise to
Yes I will, give you everything you need
And someday start a family with you

bridge:
I stand beside you, in everything you do
Wherever you go, whatever you do
Baby I'll be there (oh baby I will be there)
As God as my witness
I will carry this through
Till death do us part, I promise to you

chorus:
Yes I will, take your hand and walk with you
Yes I will, Baby baby yes I promise to
Yes I will, give you everything you need
And start a family with you, baby
Yes I will
Yes I will
Yes I will, I promise you
Everything's gonna be all right
It's gonna be all right
I will

RIJ... I have already promised to walk beside you. I want to give you everything you could ever need. I want to give you so much. I have already given you myself... and we almost had more as a result. I thought for sure you hated me for it. And you probably did at first with everything that was going on... But now... I am not so sure how to react and feel... All I know is that I love you. I want you. Need you. And no one but you. I have no intention of that ever changing and no one can make that change. Not after everything we shared, the tenderness, the passion... It was magic. You ... were ... amazing. You still are... Ra himself could not make me give you up now... I love you, RIJ. Now, Always, and Forever....

confused...

Things are so confusing... My sister wouldn't leave RIJ and me alone until we read each other's blog... so he now knows how I feel about a family with him... he started to comment about it... but stopped himself... He did post in his blog that he had been thinking and was coming to like the idea of a child... He said he read my blog.. but made no comment about it in his own... So I am still left wondering what he is feeling about it... But I guess it is something that we just are not really ready to talk about yet... We have to get through a wedding first... Just waiting for him to be ready for that too... I am just keeping my mouth shut about it- it is not fair to keep pushing it on him... I will give him time...

He tells me that no matter what happens he loves me... That makes me wonder now too.. Just what does he think will happen?

I really have to stop thinking like this. We love each other and that can't be denied. Everything will fall into place in time- we just have to get past these barriers...

To RIJ: .. I love you, always and forever. Nothing and no one will ever take me from you- will never be a threat to us. I want to be with you and only you. I promise to be yours Forever, Eternity, and longer...

Baka...

2006-06-18T10:14:00.000-07:00

(posted Oct. 9th, 2005)

quick update.. Uncle Atemu and RIJ are friends now!! I couldn't be happier...Uncle found a new target in Ori... should make for an interesting situation...

Yes, that is wha I am. An idiot- stupid, stupid idiot...

I was out of my head. I should have thought things through more. I should have been stronger... Normally I can handle anything that comes my way... But when it comes to RIJ- there are times when I just feel so weak... I took off after my last post and stayed away... of all people to go looking for me- Ori found me... Not a good thing... There is something going on with him... Something that seems so familiar- and yet scary... He challenged my feelings for RIJ. I would have thought that Ori would have been grateful that I was about to take myself out of RIJ's life. He seems so against me anyway... he even went so far as to smack me across the face at one point... That is the first time I have ever been hit by a man when I wasn't in a battle of some kind... I was rendered silent for a little while... Then suddenly I felt very weak... then I remember nothing much... I blacked out. When I came to RIJ was there with Ori and they were fighting... RIJ seems to think that Ori did something to me... He didn't. BUT RIJ is having a hard time seeing past that. Part of me feels that RIJ feels almost threatened by Ori's presence.

I lost a week out of my life after that stunt. Turns out I was just very sick- not actually expecting.....

Yeah... that....

I know what I said about wishing I wasn't... but... That part of me that wanted a family with RIJ is still here. It never went away... but I know his reaction... He was not happy to hear the potential news... If he ever changes his mind then he can tell me... otherwise...

On a lighter note. we played a joke on Dorian. RIJ and I were in my room when he came to try to come in. RIJ unzipped his jacket near the door and I ripped an old shirt just to make it sound like we were "busy" In my room... Even jumped on the bed lol. We stopped when Bakura hollared for round 2 lol. But then it got bad again... We heard the handle to my door being turned. I grabbed RIJ and pulled him on me while kissing him as we fell back onto the bed when the door opened... - the Fake out Make out routine. It worked great too until RIJ realized it was Ori who had come in...Now they are fighting... I wonder how this will turn out...

(comment posted to Original blog on Oct. 12th:
1: RIJ- "*choking* ...Kitten...about a family.........

Anyway, maybe we could play another prank on that guy....but....your father is a different matter...." )

Not Sure...

2006-06-18T10:09:00.000-07:00

(Posted October 7th, 2005)

I stand and stare out the window... I have been for quite a while now... I am waiting for a "how could you do this to me" from RIJ... But it isn't over what one might expect... Things changed between us on this trip.. We became intimate on a deeper level... And now ...

It appears my sister may not have been far from the truth after all... But what I don't understand is mother has had several visions of my future and not a ONE has kids in it... I am hoping everything is wrong... Dorian says preliminary test show symptoms of it... But he won't know for sure for a little while yet...

I know I said I wanted a family with him... With RIJ... Especially now with the idea that he may not be around... this way I could have something to remind me of him if he goes... That's another thing... I am scared to death that hs is going to just disappear- Blue can only have one Yami... Maybe I should just cut all ties now... But what if I am expecting? He would only turn our child away... that is what he does best is what everyone tells me... I donlt want to believe it... But just because I don't want to believe it doesn't mean it can't be... So I return to the window where I sit... and sit.... and sit....

My sister just read RIJ's blog... she told me what he said... *wipes a tear* I expected as much... Like I ASKED for this to happen. He was talking marriage before we left on the trip- after so many changes I mention eloping and he gets angery... Someone told me that means he will never marry me. I will wear the ring till I am blue in the face and it will mean nothing to him... That is what I have been told... And then the baby... That is if it really is true. Something tells me something else is wrong... Dorian did some extra tests... Just to be sure... I have been rather weak lately. I have never really been sick before... Maybe I finally came down with something... maybe...I pray that is what it is...

RIJ- be angry with me all you want- I didn't ask for this. I NEVER asked for this... as far as I am concerned right now I don't WANT this... It's to much... And if you were never going to marry me you never should have asked me...

RA I feel like such a fool right now.... I believed so much... I wanted it so badly... Now... I don't want any of it... I don't want to see happy couples, I don't want to hear happy couples. I cringe every time a baby giggles. I cry when a baby cries, I suddenly feel very alone.... I can't talk to RIJ about this- He won't even talk to me at all... And my mother and sister are 2 people completely in love- they would never understand... I am tired of being shut out in the cold... In fact... I think I am just going to go out and stay in it... There is a place somewhere I can stop- I remember caves by the beach... I could go in one of those... I doubt that anyone would even notice I was gone... RIJ will just fight with Ori or play video games with Bakura...or Knives.. or someone...

Oh look... snow... Winter is coming... And winter is such an unforgiving season.... Maybe if I was gone RIJ could finally be happy... and quit thinking that someone is out to get him... No baby, no fiancee... nothing but freedom.... He is always telling me- he can't love... He has no heart. Yet on a clear night with no full moon.... He saw his felection in the mirror. Does this mean he is is partialy human now? and what will it mean to us...

I am going to go for a walk... I may never come back and I don't have money to go see anywere, but I can't stay here any more. No... I can't... I love him... But I am standing in his way.. I swore I would never do that... So for now- I will go and clear my head... Maybe when I am done I will know what to do....

Whatever happens, RIJ- I did love you- I always will.. Nothing can change that. But until you are ready.. There is nothing more we can do...

(comment posted to original blog Oct. 7th, 2005:

1: Blue- " :( I'm sorry Sanura...RIJ is going through a pretty rough time, but he does love you.
As for the future....I don't think everything can really be predicted. Nothing can really be set out. *hugs* ")

The Rest of the trip with RIJ...

2006-06-18T10:07:00.000-07:00

(posted October 3rd, 2005)

Written Sept. 22nd

Well, today was fun. We had a girl’s day out. Left the guys to fend for themselves while Zahara, Natara, mother, and I joined Mother’s Hikari and her mother and sister in law for a day of pictures, shopping, and lunch; RIJ didn’t really want me to go but he and mother’s Hikari had a long talk this morning and he eventually backed off. I am not sure what she said, but I am guessing RIJ really didn’t like it. He was glad when I returned though. He lifted me right off my feet. I didn’t tell him that I found my wedding dress- or that I found my Halloween costume as well *wink*

Sept 24th

Not too much to write about… Or rather that I can write about that is… *wink* Things have still been interesting. We went to a monster truck show. Zahara and I had a hell of a time trying to keep Bakura and RIJ out of, and away, from the trucks. Then we went to a thing called a reenactment. Bakura got a glimpse at what he missed while he was trapped in the Millennium Ring.

Sept 25th

Today we say final goodbyes to new friends. By the time they wake in the morning, we will be gone. Starting tomorrow it is 4 long days in a car. The only good part of it is that I will be near RIJ. Quite close, actually…. I wonder what mother’s Hikari has planned for us on this long trip across the country?

Sept. 26th- - morning

I CAN’T BELIEVE HER!!!! Just because she is expecting doesn’t mean that EVERYONE is!! Sure if it would ever work I would love to have a family with RIJ- But come on… This is RIJ we are talking about. There was once a time he mentioned something about kids and us… but then he acted like he hated the idea of being a father a few days later… I have the IM chat to prove it… It was hard enough to get him to want to marry me *sigh*. Zahara really needs to just concentrate on her own family and let me worry about what happens between RIJ and me. Besides, in the end it is up to Angel (mother’s Hikari) to decide if I will be or not… Speaking of Angel, if she hadn’t stepped in when she did tonight… *shakes head*

RIJ just came into the room and gave me a strange look. He’s been talking with Angel quite often. It worries me. I know he knows about my fight with my sister. I hear her crying and Bakura is trying to calm her down. I think I am just going to take a shower, change, and go to bed. If he has any questions, I will answer them later.

Sept 26th – evening

This is such a plain state…Not much to see- but after the initial chill in the car was gone, the trip had actually become fun. I can feel Mother’s hikari’s mind going. She said she has plans for me but won’t say if I will like them or not. Seems she is changing things in her fanfic as well, but again won’t tell me how.

I guess RIJ and Uncle Atemu got into it online the other night. I wondered why he had been so short tempered that night. Guess I’ll never know what that was all about. Oh well, I have enough on my mind right now. Time to rest now. We leave early again in the morning.

Sept. 28th

RIJ surprises me everyday. We still haven’t really talked about wedding, but he is talking about what “our” house will look like and what will go into “our” home. Once he learned what mistletoe was, he decided we had to have tons of it all over “our” home. Now… does this mean that he is finally more serious? Guess I will have to wait and see…

Sept. 30th

The days are getting closer to the end. The past couple of weeks with RIJ have been heaven. We haven’t fought the entire time, proving that we can actually get along. His eyes never wandered and all his hentai thoughts included me. It seems the only thing that caused any kind of tension/hesitation between us was when Zahara spoke of us having a child… I have come to the conclusion that I love RIJ too much to let that come between us. So, as long as I have him, I will be happy. Besides, even if Zahara for some odd reason won’t let anyone near the twins- doubtful, but I know she is still worried that RIJ may have hidden plans for them so she may grow cautious- I know that Mother’s hikari’s girls are fun to take care of and play with. So it can almost be like a family of my own. Almost… For now though, I am going to enjoy the last week with RIJ. I don’t want him to go. But I can’t keep him away from Blue forever. Though she did seem happy to be away from him… Gave her and Ryou some alone time… I wonder how he feels about our last week drawing so near…

Oct. 1st

Well, it took some convincing, but I finally got RIJ to take his shirt off for me for something other than when we are making love. I came across a spray that helps reduce and even eliminate scars. I had a couple I was wanting to forget from my days with Alexander. The only one I was leaving was the scars left from the test RIJ gave me to prove my love for him… Those I am leaving as a permanent reminder that I passed his test. Anyway, RIJ noticed the scars going away and asked me about them. I showed him the spray and he looked hard at it. I finally got him to remove his shirt and I sprayed the scar that Zahara left on him. He has allowed me to do this for a couple of days and already the scar is fading. I have been the one to spray and rub this medicated liquid roughly 4 times a day. At least for the 1st week. Then it is only 2 times a day after that. Then I can work on any other scars he wants gone… It has been nice seeing him like this… Actually trusting me with something he has been so sensitive about, knowing that I still accept him anyway. That all I want to do is help him where I can on top of loving him with everything I have and am. He has even been having fun.. He seemed to lighten up a little which made it easier to get along with him. Well, time for another dose of the spray. Then… time for me to take care of him in a way only I can… Then sleep… if he lets me *grins*. Good night! ^_^

(comment posted to original blog on Oct. 5th, 2005:
1: Blue- "Ra! Lol!! Seems like you've had ups and downs with RIJ. I hope whats happening here isn't affecting him too much... its alright if you want to keep RIJ lol.

Ryou: *in the background* W00t!")

A Step in the right direction....

2006-06-18T10:02:00.000-07:00

(posted Sept. 21st, 2005)

Well, he quit sleeping on the floor... ^_^ lol.. We have only really changed in small ways. Like, we haven't been fighting like we used to..

I have been told that I have really changed in the past few days. And that I have changed RIJ... I am left wondering if that is a good or a bad thing. RIJ doesn't seem to mind as he has been really excited about everything we have done. I only wish I could read his mind. To know exactly what he was thinking. Heart or no heart... he feels something. I can sense it. He reacts like what he feels is love. What we have shows all the signs of love. Can one without a heart love? Can they accept love freely given by one with a heart? Is he still at a constant struggle with himself or has things changed for him since we... *blushes* well, you know...

Guess I will have to wait and see if he decides to be open enough to ell me what is going on in his head...
We had fun at the beach the other day. A large bonfire set up and stories and tales.. Bakura and Father had a small showdown but it ended with everyone laughing lol.. Then RIJ decided it would be fun to lift me up and toss me in the water... *sweatdrop* I am still awaiting my turn to get him back for that lol. However... *sly smirk* The water did turn into a fun place to be after I dragged him under with me... ^_- *grins*

We did have one small problem... See- the full moon came upon us while we were on the road. There was no way for him to get out of the car... He seemed to be in so much pain and he tried so hard to make sure no one could see what was going on... I began a small chant to take the edge off the pain.I smoothed his hair like I always did... He seemed to calm down- and he seemed so tired afterward... It was strange seeing something he had kept from me all this time... But... I am glad to have finally seen it... He worries about the scars, and the changes... After this .. I hope he knows that I love him regardless of what he has on the outside... Nothing will change this...

He did seem distant this morning... Mother said she had a feeling it may have had something to do with his hikari... He even barrowed my cell phone after I showed him how it worked... I hope everything is okay. If he has to go back- Blue will find an extra person returning with RIJ... Something I am learning about Yamis.... They can sense the struggles of their hikari's no matter how far away they are- and no matter how cold hey can appear on the outside... They have a soft spot for thier hikaris... I remember Bakura stepping in to save Ryou once during his duel with my father during Battle City... He could have let Ryou take the hit. But he didn't... Even with as cold as RIJ can appear.. I have seen the spark in his eyes. I have seen the softness and tenderness... He would not allow anyone to hurt Blue... And neither will I... I will stand beside RIJ and become Blue's 2nd Yami if she needs one...

(comment posted to original blog Sept 21st, 2005-
1: Blue- "lol, RIJ has softened up a lot. ^_^ I'm glad. But him being distant....I don't think he's going to be happy. About being my 2nd yami, sorry, but that spots been taken.")

Checking in...

2006-06-18T09:56:00.000-07:00

(posted Sept. 18th, 2005)

Well, it's been a few days into the trip and already things are changing. RIJ started out really quiet. I think he was still thinking about whatever Zahara and he we talking about. He pulled away and grew distant for a little while. But then something happened to change that.

My mother's hikari sure knows some fun people. One in particular is into dune buggy racing and jumping. He took us all out in the ones he had. Watching BAkura and RIJ was fun and all, but I wanted more. I kicked Bakura out of the one he was sharing wiht RIJ and told RIJ to slide over. Then I took him for the ride of his life. Even Adais couldn't keep up and he was always the wilder one of the 3 of us. A new light seemed to shine in those golden eyes by the time we were done.

We went on a nature walk. Bakura and Zahara rested under a tree. He seems to be getting better about feeling the twins move because now he holds her so he can place his hands possessively on her swollen stomach as well. As if he is holding the 3 of them as close to him as he can. He always seems to have a dreamy look in his eyes when he holds her.

On the walk with RIj , he stopped and just pulled me close to him. We stood that way for a little while, watching everyone else and then he picked a flower and placed in behind my ear in my hair. I never once took the flower out. I loved the little gesture. He whispered that this was only the beginning. I did notice that after we got back to the spot we were staying that he kind of disappeared. When I looked out the window, I found him by the fire talking for a long time with my mother. But neither one will tell me what was said. When he came back he pulled me aside and told me that he had everything set up in our room for a massage. I was amazed. I was not expeting anything like this. He had me undress down to the swimsuit I had worn that day. He laid me out on the bed and his hands felt like magic. Velvet on my skin. It wasn't long before I felt kisses dropped on my shoulders and then my back. I sat up and faced him. His eyes were soft. I knew he was RIJ ... Yet... I don't know. There was something different about him. He took my hands before pulling me close to him. He took a deep breath and then told me how much he wanted me. Needed me. I pulled back just far enough to lean forward and give him a deep kiss. I whispered for him to take me then- to make me his and his alone.

I won't go into detail. I shouldn't really need to. I will say that it wasn't what I expected... It was 10 x's better... He was gentle and tender. His voice was soft and passion-filled as he whispered my name. My name... Afterwards he just held me. Held me close. He brushed my hair away from my face and told me he would never hurt me. He would never let anyone hurt me. Then he told me he loved me. And this time- it didn't sound pained. It was .. sincere...

I wonder what brought on this change. But I love it. It has only been 3 days and things are already looking good for us. Well I will end this now as we have more activities planned... I do find myself wondering... If he will quit sleeping on the floor after this...

Not sure if I will update again for a little while... I hope to- but I can't guarantee anything... But for now.. I am going to enjoy my time with RIJ... My love for him has only increased... He can be possessive of me all he wants... as long as I can be just as possessive of him...

(comment posted to Original blog on Sept. 19th, 2005-
1: Blue- "O_o....RIJ driving....Wow Sanura, you have really changed RIJ! lol You can have RIJ!!")

Time To Go...

2006-06-18T09:54:00.000-07:00

(posted Sept. 11th, 2005)

I am leaving with the limo here in a few minutes to go pick RIJ and Bakura up from the airport. the time for the trip has finally come. I will give an update when I can otherwise I won't be online till we get back in October. I wonder if Blue would mind so much if I didn't let RIJ go back to her... *grins* No... I am not that mean lol. He is her Yami after all lol.. But it will be hard to let him go when we get back. Especially after spending a month with him. But this will be good for us. We can actually get to know each other more which I am looking forward to.

OH! There's the limo. I must go. I will write when I can!

( Comments posted to original blog on Sept. 17th:
1: RIJ- "Hey Kitten!! *running around screaming* VACATION!! VACATION!! WOO HOO HOO HOO!!!"
2: Blue- "....lol, you can keep RIJ for as long as you like! ^_^ Ryou and I are having a heck of a good time without our yamis." ^.^)

hehe

2006-06-18T09:53:00.000-07:00

(posted Sept. 8th, 2005)

EEE!!! He commented on my blog!! ^_^ I am just going to grab him and hug him the next time I see him lol.. He told me it will be one hell of a month... I wonder just what he has planned for us on this trip? Especially since he has learned he is coming overseas to see the USA... well, more of it anyway...

See my family is doing this whole thing as a cross country trip. It will be all of us and because RIJ and I are engaged he is being welcomed with open arms. My father is already trying to treat him like his own son. I love it that Father is being so relaxed about this. I know he doesn't understand exactly why Zahara and I fell for the guys we did... He just knows we did and that the only way to be okay with it was to accept that we are happy and protected. Father even smiles genuine smiles at RIJ.

Haha- I can't WAIT for this trip now... That means I may not be able to blog that often... Unless I snag a wireless spot on my laptop while we are gone... But something tells me I will be too busy to type much... ^_~ ... Besides... With RIJ right there with me- I am not going to be able to keep my head on anything but him. *goes into dreamland* Oh yeah... the things that can, and most likely will, be done...

I love you RIJ... and I am greatly looking forward to this...

Keeping it brief...

2006-06-18T09:50:00.000-07:00

(posted Sept. 7th, 2005)

I have a lot to do to get ready for the big trip in a week...

I am not sure who all is reading this... or even if they care- but hey.. *shrugs* It doesn't matter to me...

All I care is that RIJ and I will be spending almost a month together... who knows what will happen in that month... Nothing to really hold us back... except each other that is... And I am tired of holding back... I want to show him my heart- give him everything I can give. I am ready... Patience... Patience is needed ... and I will wait forever for him...

*sighs* I could go on forever about him, but I think I have gone on long enough for tonight...

I will try to get back on again before we leave...

(comment posted to original blog by RIJ on Sept. 8th, 2005- "It will be one helluva month, Kitten!" ^_^)

A Hug is All I Need...

2006-06-18T09:49:00.000-07:00

(posted Sept. 6th, 2005)

It has been a long time since I have updated. I guess not a whole lot has happened. RIJ and I are still engaged and seem to be moving forward. It is taking a little while on marriage plans. He is still healing so I am being patient. I am just glad we are making this journey together. It is a healing process for the both of us.

We actually had a couple of days to ourselves and had a lot of fun-nothing holding us back for a change. We went to a beach party and had so much fun in the sand. Took turns dunking each other under the water and even feeding each other a few appetizers. He looked good in those swimming trunks of his. It was hard not taking my eyes off him. He enjoyed the neck massage I gave him later on as well. Then there was a dance under the stars. All we did was hold each other close and rock back and forth to the music. Not really dancing I know- but considering how tender we are in our emotions.

There are some things of course that I am not going to tell anyone- even here in this blog... Don't worry, it was an innocent couple of days. though I will admit- I think I am ready to give him more... I am waiting... Until he is ready. We had one night where we slept in the same bed but he just held me to him as we slept. I felt so safe in his arms. Protected, and cared for. There was a warmth that just seemed to surround us. I think it is better now knowing that everything is out in the open and I must admit it is nice to no longer have any secrets from him. Everything I have ever hidden from him is now free. You know... I never knew just how much pleasure I could get from just being held. There is someting about him. A hug from him is all I need to find my center again. The sparkle in those golden eyes- a sign of life within him.

I don't think there are really words to describe the "fuzzy" feelings I feel... But I have tried in so many ways to show and tell him. I'm sorry Aiden, but the night he first held me- your memory- so carefully concealed in my heart and mind- shattered. You will always be my first love. My light when I was dark. But now RIJ is my new love, true love. The dark fire that matches the new light in my heart.

I spent so much of my life feeling alone.

With RIJ... I have finally found my home...

So This is Happiness....

2006-06-18T09:48:00.000-07:00

(posted August 28th, 2005)

Well, as the title says. Things have really changed since I passed RIJ's test. He seems more open with me. More... I don't relly know how to describe it. But I am glad for that now.

Our past still comes back from time to time. There is no way to forget. I know he loved her deeply and I will never replace that kind of love. There is no way I can replace an angel such as her.

There is no way I will ever be able to forget Aiden either. His memory was burned into my heart. BUt that is now a scar. It is time to let him go. I am not sure we will ever meet again. Being his purity- however tainted- was enough to send him where I may never reach. But then- I have hope. I have seen light. I have felt the shaking in my core of innocence. Something I haven't remembered feeling in centuries... It is as if it was removed from me somehow. My heart is lighter and free again. There is a spark of life I don't remember ever really feeling before. Not since I was an innocent babe anyway.

I understand so many more things now... Like why RIJ ran when the elders apeared after Kaiba attacked me. They are fools. I am glad now that Father is nothing like them- is not a part of them. I am glad now that Father gave RIJ that Family Ring. And I am glad I passed RIJ's test.

I can say the same things over and over again... But it would still be the same.

RIJ- You know I love you deeply, and with all of me now. But there is one final thing I must say to Aiden...

To Aiden:

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life,
For all the wrongs that you made right.
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful, Baby

You're the one who held me up
And never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through
Through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best that was in me.
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith cause you believed
I'm everything I am, because you loved me.

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand, I could touch the sky
I lost my faith you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm greatful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved you

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark
Shining your love into my life.
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were teh truth
My world is a better place
Because of you

I am everything I am... Because you loved me....
((Because you loved me- Celine Dion))

Aiden, with those words I bid you part from me. I will never forget you, but it is time another can completely take my heart. I always held back. I no longer wish to. So my first love, my eternal light... Burn strong where you are and know you are never forgotten.

and now a message to RIJ... I am ready to give you all of me there is to give- heart, spirit, and soul. I was ready the night I took your test and passed. I am still ready now. I will walk every step with you, alongside with no fear in my heart. There is a light within me now. One I thought I had lost. But the good grace of Ra has restored me to the way I once was- the way before Alexander. A light that can match your darkness. The night of your test there was something else going on... I felt it- but I didn't understand it. It made me dizzy and weak. But I heard a voice in my head that night. A whispered voice saying that I no longer deserved to carry the burden of sins passed. The golden glow that a few of us saw that night was Ra's light filling me, taking away the darkness, purifying me. I have felt so much lighter since then. I never thought I could ever feel this way again. So I offer my hand to you. And I offer these words...

No mountain's too high, for you to climb.
All you have to do is have some climbing faith.
No river's too wide, for you to make it across.
All you have to do is believe it when you pray.

And then you will see, the morning will come,
And everyday will be bright as the sun.
All of your fears, cast them on me,
I just want you to see

I'll be your cloud up in the sky.
I'll be your shoulder when you cry.
I'll hear you voices when you call me.
I am your angel.
And when all hope is gone, I'm here.
No matter how far you are, I'm here.
It makes no difference who you are.
I'm your angel.
I'm your angel.

I saw the teardrops and I heard you cry.
All you need is time, seek me and you shall find.
You have everything and you're still lonely.
It doesn't have to be this way, let me show you a better day.

And then you will see, the morning will come,
And all of your days will be bright as the sun.
So all of your fears, just cast them on me,
How can I make you see...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky.
I'll be your shoulder when you cry.
I'll hear your voices when you call me.
I'm your angel.
And when all hope is gone, I'm here.
No matter how far you are, I'm near.
It makes no difference who you are.
I am your angel.
I'm your angel.

And when it's time to face the storm
I'll be right by your side.
Grace will keep us safe and warm,
And I know we will survive.
And when it seems your end is drawing near,
Don't you dare give up the fight.
Just put your trust beyond the sky.

I'll be your cloud up in the sky.
I'll be your shoulder when you cry.
I'll hear your voices when you call me.
I am your angel.

Adn when all hope is gone, I'm here.
No matter how far you are, I'm near.
It makes no difference who you are.
I am your angel.
I'm your angel.

((I'm Your Angel- Celine Dion with R. Kelly))

I am here... My vow to you RIJ... All I want to do is take you into my arms, my heart, and never let you go. With the past no longer holding me back, I can do just that.

Start At The Beginning....

2006-06-18T09:46:00.000-07:00

(posted August 26th, 2005)

I guess there is really only one way for me to get ready to face the future. And that is to face my past. It is no longer a ecret that I had once loved deeply. But in order to understand that- I have to explain my history.

Yes I am the daughter of the Pharaoh. But he had an enemy named Alexander. They were enemies namely because Aleaxander had loved my mother. When she married my father, Alexander was not happy. He spazzed when he learned that my mother and father were expecting, my sister, brother, and me. He began to plot. My father was sealed away inside his Millennium Puzzle. Part of his plot was to take one of the children. I ended up that target. He raised me, taught me the ways of Darkness. Taught me how to harness my natual pwoers and increase them with added magic. I was his prized assassin/warrioress. I killed without a thought. No conscious at all. I struck , silent and deadly- never missed my mark. My targets never even knew I was there until it was too late. But then Alexander made a mistake. He decided to get greedy and wanted to have a second in command for me. A partner. He found a man who was an excellent marksman, and swordfighter. Knowing the man would be an honorable man- he had to pull something in order to gain his alliegiance. He resorted to threatening the man's family- parents, and sister. So wiht the threats over his family, Aiden joined us.

I remember the first time Alexander called on me to meet Aiden. I was not ready to accept a partner. I was too used to working on my own. The last thing I wasnted was a partner. Let alone a MALE partner. My work did not allow for distractions, and I saw from the moment I looked at Aiden that he was the one distraction that was going to ruin it all for me. Or save me...His eyes were so unique. Golden. Shining with the light of the sun. The light of his soul reflected in them. All at once I wanted to have that light for my own. I craved that light. It was like a drug to me. Then again... so was he. We had spent several nights together on stake outs. Turns out my darkness was as much of a drug to him as his light was to me. I remember the first night... well... yeah- needless to say the job was only second on priority. We talked about escaping Alexander. Escaping him, freeing ourselves. Finally allowing ourselves something we could never have if we stayed with Alexander. I was ready to risk everything for him. I knew I would have to- Alexander would never willingly let me go. I was all he had left of my mother. So we began to lot or escape... In between several passionate nights... Aiden swore we would be together. He wanted to make me his bride. I actually thought I had a chance. Finally. My darkness could be lifted and the light to my heart returned. I would never be oure again. But I could at least rid myslef of the darkness.

That was when it all went wrong.

Alexander had set his sights on a girl. A unique girl with 2 different colored eyes. One blue. One green. She had golden hair. She was beautiful. I have no idea what she did, or even if it was her who had truly been the target. Either way, Alexander wanted her dead. Not just the usual swoop in and kill ehr and leave dead. He wanted this one to leave some kind of message. He wanted this death to destroy someone who would see it. The girl would be tortured. What he wanted... I could not stomach. It was horrible.. too horrible to conceive. That says alot considering the things I had done. Anyway- I finally had had enough. I refused o be the one to touch the girl. To pull the strings that would tear her limb from limb. -_- Aiden sided with me on this. We would have no part in this. And we would pay the ultimate price. I will never forget that day. Alexande was sronger as he had not taught me the values of my blood line. My powers could have been alot strogner and he knew this. He purposely kept certain details from me. Detials that would have made me pwoerful enough to take him out. Instead he found a way to weaken me while his other minions kept Aiden busy. Alexander swore to me that I would come to regret defying him.

I have a scar on my back that is rarely seen. It was a physical reminder of that night. Not like I could ever forget. The slash had taken me down. Form there I was beaten... among other things... Everything Alexander could do to break my spirit once again. I remember seeing the light and the battle of angel's and demons for my soul. But Alexander wasn't done yet. I heard his command and opened my eyes. I watched, unable to move as I saw as Aiden was taken down. Slashed in half. I couldn't comprehend what had truly happened. I saw his head on my chest, his hand reached for me. I struggled to sit up. I took his hand in mine as the blood came from his lips. I fiannaly sat up and cradled his torso tightly against me, running my weakened fingers through his blood soaked black hair. I was covered in the red liquid, bu I didn't care. He told me he loved me. And I gave him one final kiss before the golden light faded from his eyes. But my torture had only just begun. The part of Aiden I held was ripped from me. I was jerked to my feet and my hands bound behind me. They did not even bother to remove the blood. I was carried awayand taken to a house. I knew where we were. We were there her. For Kiza. I struggled against my bounds, tearing my wrists as I tried to break free to stop him. But I watched in sheer horror as the parents were slashed first, Kiza saw me trying to fight my bounds as she was wrenched from her spot and carried to a different room where she was strung up with sharp wires, thin enough to be like strands of hair. Tears fell from my eyes as I pleaded for her life. I begged Alexander to tradde mine for hers. I ddn't want to see this happen. But Alexander stood behind me, his hand on me head, forcing me to watch every gruesome moment. I was powerless to fight him. I looked up at Kize, her duel colered eyes meeting mine with great sadness. She told me she forgave me. She knew I did not wish this for her. She forgave me...

I remembered seeing a boy come into the home. He had flowers and was in a suit. Judging by her dress I was guessing some sort of special occassion was that day. I watched the torrent of emotions cross over his features. We both watched as the wires were pulled tighter... and tighter... until the peices of her just fell to the ground. The boy cradled her head. He kissed her. It rememinded me of Aiden and me just prior to this, and what was left of my heart was shredded into even smaller pieces. Then I watched as he flew into a rage. I expected Alexander to leave me to be a part of he casualties, but he took me away from that place. I spent the next several months as his prisoner- trapped in one of his dark chambers, he had his choas spirits around me at all times. They ripped the small light I had managed to find out of my heart and replaced it with the darkness once again. But I was to never again be the same kind of assassin I once was. I had 2 things on my mind that probaby saved me from being lost completely.

Aiden, and the boy that was left behind to take teh heat for what Alexander had been responsible for.

I don't live a day without the regret adn anger at myself for not doing more to stop him. I should have done more. Those poor souls... No one deserves that...

I never did learn what had happened to the boy. At least, not until RIJ called me by Kiza's name the other night. Then I knew what his punishment had been.

Everynight I still see the murders of Kiza and Aiden in my head. They will always plague me. I still hear Alexander's voice in my head sometimes, taunting me. Kiza forgave me. But I never forgave myself.

So now ... to tell what happened last night. RIJ learned the truth. All that he would allow himself to know. And ... he still accepted me. Well.. After I was tested in his own way. We had talked and he told me that because of his darkness he craved light. I knew that feeling. I felt it with Aiden. But what we had was too powerful to ignore. I begged for him to explain the differences between us. To explain why he could just give us up. I would never regret knowing him. But he said he could not feel me. I didn't understand. Somehow we got to a point where he showed me where he had slashed his wrist a few days back. He asked me if I really wanted to know. I said yes. I begged for him to show me. My heart jumped when he pulled out a dagger. I wasn't sure what he would do. But I showed none of my fear as I wanted to prove to him I trusted him. Though after what he had learned I wouldn't have been surprised if he had opted to rip my heart out with the dagger...

I watched as he carved a circle on my wrist. Then he dragged the dagger up, creating a line up my arm to a new sopt where he carved a heart. I looked at him then, confused. He explained it was my true test. The same test that Kiza had taken to prove her love to him. He said if I passed it he could see hope for us. He could see that I could actually help him. I had to find the way the get the exact shape of the heart he had carved on my arm into the circle. Ra- it took me forever as I stared down at my blood covered arm. I actualy tried to wipe the blood away just to see everything again. He practically expected me to give up. To prove he had been right all along. But then it hit me finally. I smiled at him then. I placed my hand over the heart to get a clear impression of it, then I placed the impression of it into the circle. He grabbed me and kissed me then. Things have been pretty good since. I can almost see the change in him now. I actually thought I saw a spark in his own golden eyes. I have a strong faith in us now. I have no doubts, and I am not holding back. Not anymore. RIJ... I passed your test, I proved finally what I have been trying to tell you from day one. I will never leave you. I love you. Always and forever...

Winds of Change...

2006-06-18T09:45:00.000-07:00

Things are about to change, and I don't think they will be for the better. RIJ is still holding me back. He won't talk about the other night at all. I can't reach him. It is hard to break through to someone when every wall fallen reveals yet another wall to break. It is hard to break passed. And getting harder and harder for me to be strong enough to maintain the changes. The shifts in his personality. Love shouldn't be this hard. I won't deny that there are challenges to every relationship. But this one is above and beyond everything.

I admit there is a lot I don't know about him.

But there is a lot he still does not know about me either.

He can easily give it up and throw it away. I am half tempted to tell him if that is what he wants then he has to go. I won't back down on my word now. I told him I would stay and I will. As long as he keeps me around. But one day he will let me go... One day he will go from loving me (if indeed that is what he did feel for me) to hating the very sight of me. For I know something he knows not. It has been my secret and my burden. I did not know I had known him before until his breakdown and he called me by her name. I knew the name. I knew it all too well. It was a name the ruined my life.

RIJ is not the only one to have ever known strong love. I have as well. But ... It was ripped from me. Torn, literally from my hands. He ... my first love. My burning love... He had RIJ's eyes. The same golden eyes. Only his reflected every one of his emotions while RIJ's do not. His warm smile I knew was for me and me alone, unlike RIJ when he smiles at me. Does he smile at her? My love... He was torn from me as punishment for deliberately disobeying a command. We both went against Alexander when he ordered the murder. We refused knowing how wrong it would be. And as punishment I ... was was beaten so badly I was near death. I saw the angels, and the demons, both beckoning for me. Tugging me in every direction for my sins and my current change of heart. Then all I saw was red. The reddness of his blood. My love's blood soaking the ground near me, falling on me. I watched the golden light fade from his eyes as I held him one last time with the last of my strength. I gave his blood covered lips one last kiss.

No. RIJ is not the only one to have lost someone. I don't love easily. I think a part of me was drawn to his eyes, hoping that my love was alive. and while a part of me... A large part of me realizes I do love RIJ... there is a part of me that wonders if I love him for him... or like RIJ's love for me to be for another woman, do I love him merely as a replacement for the love lost to me those centuries ago?

RIJ said an angel brought him to me after I was so seriously burned. What if that angel was her? What if it was his past love trying to tell him to move forward? Would he be able to...? Something tells me he can't. Or he won't.

Another part of me tells me not to be concerned by it anymore.

RIJ... I ... some part of me will always love you no matter what the outcome. But I fear the worst is about to happen. I swear to you I did not know until a few nights ago. If I had... I never would have allowed things to go this far. For now we both stand to lose EVERYTHING.

(Posted August 25th, 2005)

Hero

2006-06-18T09:43:00.000-07:00

"Would you tremble if I touched your lips?
Would you laugh? Oh please tell me this.
Now would you die, for the one you loved?
Hold me in your arms, tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away your pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care...
You're here tonight."

Yes- that is one of my favorites songs. Hero by Enrique Iglesias. These are just a few lines of it tha I have picked out for right now. They feel what I try to always say to RIJ. One day he will understand and believe in me. And believe in what I tell him. Maybe one day...

No...

I have to stop thinking about that and just look forward. He didn't seem to remember anything about the other night when we were all together last night. He was.. himself. I did learn one thing that has me a little uneasy. It is no secret that my uncle is a prankster and that RIJ has always been his favorite target. But that has to change. RIJ apparently told him last night that if he didn't stop then he wouldn't marry me. To be honest I don't blame him for feeling that way... and yet I can't believe he could just turn his...

wait...

yes I can believe that he could just turn his back on me. *sigh* How in the world did I fall for someone who could be so cold? I will never know just what pulled me to him. His dark and brooding nature maybe? The fact that there is so much inside him that no one can see. But I can feel. One day I will know the full story. And one day I will be able to help him heal and move forward. I just have to hope I can remain strong until that "one day" comes...

(posted August 24th, 2005)

Hush My Love

2006-06-18T09:42:00.001-07:00

Hush, my love
You are not alone
Hush, my sweet,
I am here....

These words have been flowing through my head and my heart all day today... I feel as though someone has taken a searing hot poker and jammed itthrough my chest- straight through my heart. How do I handle this? I knew there was another in his heart. Another in his past. But when he asked me to marry him... I thought that maybe ... just maybe I had a chance. But how does one compete with ghost...? I won't mention her name... Not because I don't like it or her. It is a beautiful name, and I am certian her heart and soul were just as beautiful... But I have seen RIJ's reactions to her name... Her memory... It continues to haunt him. In a way I cannot seem to break past. I don't want to take her place. I don't think I could if I treid. But I would like for him to see me when he looks at me and not her. I am the one who loves him now. I am the ones saying I will spend the rest of my life with him. Saying I will never let him go. Never leave him.

I won't. I will be strong enough to get through this... Somehow. But I wish this knife would be pulled from my heart... RIJ.... I love you now... always... I won't leave you alone. But I hope you realize that I am not her... I may never be able to be her. For I am me... and me alone. But I love you to the depths of the Earth and then some. So I will try to help you through this...

Somehow, someday... I hope I can heal the hurt you feel.

Hush, my love,
You are not alone.
Hush, my sweet,
I am here...

Still Alive

2006-06-18T09:42:00.000-07:00

I am not sure why it happened, or even how I survived. If you have been reading my sister's blog, you know why I haven't written. Even now I am still dealing with with emotional and mental scares. The pain is still terrible. But my physical wounds are healing well. My face, arms, hands, and legs are back to normal. My stomach area is still trying to heal itself so I am not able to move around too much. My whole mid section from my chest to my waist is bandaged and covered from sight. I can't look at myself in the mirror just yet. My sister has been good about it and has been trying to help me. But she has to take it easy herself. But while I cannot look at myself, RIJ continues to tell me how beautiful I am... I am not sure exactly what changed him during this... Everything is still in a fog.

I remember him thinking that I was an angel sent to him. And he kept saying he did not deserve to see this angel after everything he had done. My heart aches for him. There is so much pain in his... well where his heart should be... used to be... unlike me - RIJ is dead. Living dead I guess you can say, but he appears alive. While me... I am alive. I have never ... died... but I feel like I had. The night of the explosion... I felt dead inside when he walked away that last time. I was nothing. There was nothing left for me. I hated myself for saying the words I said to him- knowing full well they were lies. I loved him. but I told him I hated him. I died right then. The pain in his eyes, overcame his anger, his fury took over. Then I heard more about his past. I was numbed even more. I truly hated myself for acting out the way I did. I only hope I learned my lesson. I have to be stronger. I can't lash back or out at him. I have to stand by him no matter what. To prove to him over and over that I love him beyond reason.

My sister was in the room when I first woke. Bakura was with her. But my first words were HIS name. RIJ. I NEEDED him to know I loved him. As he spoke about the angel before him it was all I could say. Then Zahara asked him if he knew who I was. He just said an angel. I had to tell him more. I told him I was alive. That I was not the angel he thought I was. He asked me my name. I gave it to him and then closed my eyes waiting for the anger to come back. but it never came. To my surprise, he broke down and ... cried. I had to try not to get angry. I mean the whole thing started with him yelling at me not to cry... But I was not angry enough. His emotions actually boosted my power enough to help me get my strength. So I guess you can say he saved my life. Wonder how he would take that kind of information...

I am not sure what all shocked me more that night. The Explosion, my surviving the explosion, RIJ breaking down instead of screaming and cursing at me, or the biggest shocker at all. Something in all that happened did something to my father. He approached RIJ and handed him something. He said it was something he gave Bakura when he made the promise to be with Zahara. Something that symbolized RIJ being a complete part of our family. My father had given RIJ the Family Ring. The golden ring etched with the symbols of our family. The Royal symbols... Of everyone in the room, I don't know who was more surprised. But I could see that RIJ was truly happy. I remember looking over to Zahara and Bakura to see them glancing over at us and talking, but I could not hear what was being said. I am guessing it was good no matter what it was.

The pain killers Dorian gave me are beginning to wear off again so I think I need to stop writing and get a little rest. I just hope RIJ knows how sorry I was for the pain I caused him with my words. The guilt of that night still eats away at me. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for what I had done. So RIJ if you read this... Again I apologize for that night. I cannot express in words how terribly sorry I am for that hurt I caused you. It was not called for and I regret everything hurtful I ever said that night. I truely had no idea. But I should have. I love you RIJ... With my heart and soul. My heart is filled with so much love it hurts and aches for you. Words cannot say enough how deeply my feelings for you have burned into my heart. Without you I am not living. Without you - I don't want to live. My world stopped turning the moment you left, But I only had myself and my words to blame. I swear to you I will be better. I will be worthy of you. Love you like you have never been loved before. I cannot compete with anyone in your past, but I can be everything you allow me to be in the present and future. I am yours heart, body and soul. Everything I have is yours. Just please forgive me. Forever, Eternity and Longer. That is how long I will love you, and treat you the way you deserve to be treated... A soft touch, a warm embrace. Whatever you wish and more.

If it weren't for these bandages and burns... Ra... There are so many things I would love to do... Things I am not sure I wish to wait till the wedding night to do... It is no secret that I am not ... exactly what you would call... pure. But I have restrained for the most part with RIJ... Believe me- you have no idea how hard that is for me... There are so many days when all I want is to grab him and throw him on the bed *grins* ... He calls me kitten now... I have to snicker at that... If he only knew the tricks this kitten had ready to pull out for him... If he is a lecher... I guess my thoughts of him make me one as well... *closes eyes to dream* Ok... I need to get back to laying down as my mid section is beginning to hurt again with the pressure of sitting for an extended period of time. One more day. Dorian promises one more day of healing and I should be free. I will be looking forward to that day. To be able to hold RIJ without flinching at the burns. To feel no pain... well.. not the pain of the burns that is... feh... My mind has run away with me again...

RIJ... I am telling the world... I love no one... No one but you. And nothing will change that... Nothing.

(posted August 22nd, 2005)

Love Will Find You...

2006-06-18T09:39:00.000-07:00

Love Will Find You
Jaci Velasquez

A blue moon,
Is the only light that falls upon your room.
Your cold room-

Too Soon,
There will be another empty morning in your life,
But you'll try again.

Though the sun
Is the only warmth that shines through your heart,
Your cold heart,
Oh how your dreams have been forsaken,
And now it seems your hope's mistaken.
But just when you're sure your world is broken,

Love will find you
And it will heal a heart that's grieving
Love will find you
You gotta see
You gotta see

Love will find you
When you believed you'd stopped believing
Love will find you
Love will find you.

Bright lights
From the streets that wind a way across the night
A way through the endless night,
Oh the endless night!

You might go one searching in the shadows there
Already where you run
Like a lost and lonely ghost upon the wind
And cry again.

Hoping to lose the pain you're holding (You're holding)
Walk through a door that's always open (Always open)
Into a promise never broken

Love will find you
Love will find you
And it will heal a heart that's grieving
Love will find you
It will find you
You gotta see
You gotta see

Love will find you
Love will find you
When you believed you'd stopped believing
Love will find you
Love will find you

You'll walk the pain that you've been holding
Walk through a door that's always open
Into a promise never broken

Love will find you
Love will find you
love will find you
Love will find you
When you believed you'd stopped believing

Love will find you
You gotta see
You gotta see
You must believe

Love will find you
Oh someday you will mend the fear
You must believe
You must believe

You must believe....

RIJ!!!!! *collaspses on bed crying* Why must the fates be so cruel to make me love you so!? *cries harder- too hard to write anymore...*

(posted Aug. 20th, 2005)

Why Bother?

2006-06-18T09:38:00.000-07:00

I am beginning to wonder why I am really bothering to continue this relationship... It is so rocky and volitile... I never know one minute if he loves me or just playing along. One minute he is soft and kind- the next minute he is cold, cruel and pushing me away.

I wasn't paying attention to much going on around me last night- and I see now I should have. Blue had asked me some questions I had never really thought too much about before and I should have been thinking about these a long time ago. I had been so lost in thought I had not really heard what Malik said. The next thing I knew RIJ had walked out the door and never returned. When I realized what had happened I went out to talk to him and he wouldn't speak to me. He just sat there staring at his matching engagement ring... I know Bakura got a family ring from Father when he and Zahara got engaged. But things were definitely solid between them. Father was certain that their relationship would work. He has been watching RIJ and me. I know he has. He wants to give RIJ the ring, but he wants to be sure that things will work out for us as well. If RIJ would just let down his walls even a little and let me in... But everytime I get a step closer, he shoves 4 steps back and it is getting a little tiring... SO Blue's questions hit me hard last night. So hard that when he refused to talk to me I left. Grabbed my laptop and jumped on my motorcycle and left for my favortie private spot on the beach. I stayd there for a long while just staring out into the water. I went over everythign in my head. all the reasons I should have nothing to do with him, and all the reasons I should keep fighting to keep this relationship alive.

Even now I sit in this diner so I can use the wireless port to run this thing. I am still thinking. But I think I have decided to go back to Aunt AFG and Uncle Atemu's home. I am guessing he hasn't left there... I will try one more time to make this work... But I can't keep fighting a losing battle... He has to meet me half way or else there is no hope here... I WANT to make this work... But I can't do this alone. I have already lost so much because of it... I have lost myself to him. And all he can do is constantly push me out...

It is times like these I am jealous of Zahara... Bakura listens to her, cares deeply for her and understands her. He is always right there for her- especially now that she is expecting. He was absolutely horrified at the thought of her losing the child she was carrying after teh explosion. He hasn't left her side at all since unless she asked for a glass of water. He has only pushed her out once that I am aware of but after that it was as if he gave up his whole being for her. No one could come between them... But anyway- he has no problems sharing his feelings with her- both in public and in private... RIJ is so reserved... Which is okay- I am as well... But sometimes.... I don't know...

I care very deeply for RIJ but my patience runs very thin in this relationship. If he wants this he needs to quit shutting me out over the smallest things... I can't keep going through this kind of pain forever... I will always love him... I will. But I can't be with someone who so obviously does not really want to be with anyone- let alone me...

(Posted August 19th, 2005)

Didn't Last...

2006-06-18T09:36:00.000-07:00

Well that didn't last long. RIJ so confuses me... I liked the softer side him I was able to see.. But last night he was back to his same old cocky self... There was one moment though that I saw the softness again... He seems to be soft only when he feels no one can hear us... Which I guess is logical.

Anyway, we have no home right now... That is what brought out the softer side in RIJ- not the house, but the result of the explosion... Bakura huddled over Zahara scared to death for her. She had just told him she was with child. But the explosion could have possbl taken that child from them. I pray to the gods that the child is still with them. I would hate to see what happens should the child die. And RIJ grew soft toward me- asking if anyhting like that was going to happen to me. I said no but then stopped myself. I couldn't believe he had even asked me that. He was actually concerned for something that will probably never happen at the rate it is going. I mean sure he asked me to marry him... but.. I can tell he is not in any rush... Fine with me. I may not be getting any younger... but I am not getting older either... I will let him take his time, for a little while at least...

Well I didn't sleep at all last night so I am off to bed... Hopefully things will be looking better when I wake up...

(Originally posted August 16th, 2005)

How Odd....

2006-06-18T09:34:00.000-07:00

Well... I learned an important lesson last night. Don't attempt to make RIJ talk about his parents. He broke down on us last night. I spent the rest of the night rocking him until he went to sleep. It was odd. I never expected to see him so... so... Vulnerable. Not weak, but vulnerable. I mean... he cried. RIJ actually cried. I was at a loss for words. He told me a few things that no one else could hear. I could tell my sister and Bakura really wanted to know but gratefully my sister chose not to pry into my mind. Something tells me RIJ would have rathered tht stay between us. I have to admit he shocked me. He said I reminded him of his mother. Her warmth and scent. I still don't know just how to react to that. How does one react when told their love looks at them and is reminded of someone who has hurt them terribly?

At least I have a better understanding as to why he seemed so hateful. He had a fairly good reason to. And as far as I am concerned I am never going to the Elders for help again. Too many chances. That is why I have been delving more into my old spell books. I remembered Mana teaching me a few things before we were forced underground with the Ishtar family. Before Mana grew older and could no longer help me. By then I had mastered several tricks. I still remember several. I will admit this now, but Mana had given me all the books that Mahaado had once used to teach her. The extra knowledge will come in handy I am certain. The Elder can do nothing more now to help me. I won't allow them to.

As for RIJ... I can only hope that one day he will feel the truth of my words when I tell him I won't be going anywhere. I will always keep my vow to him. If there is one thing that remains true of my family, it is our honor. We ALWAYS keep our promises.... I shall be his forever... Eternity... and longer...

(originally posted August 15th, 2005)

What Happened? pt 2

2006-06-18T09:33:00.000-07:00

okay... If someone could ever give me the definition of the word normal and maybe give me a clue as to how to make my life that way- I would greatly appreciate it. Okay... I will start off by saying I remember everything again. Although there are some things I wish I still did not remember.

Let me backtrack...

I was on my way to work yesturday for an important meeting that I had known was coming up. I was running a little late and just wanted to get out the door. I ran into the living room headed for the foyer when I saw HIM. Yes HIM. RIJ. At the time I still did not remember him but I still liked to toy with him if I could. It is part of my outgoing nature. I didn't just toy with him... I toyed with everyone like that. They all knew it was for fun. Anyway, my brother locked me in the house and I was forced to sit there while he told me he called Kaiba to tell him I would not be coming back. Then he tells me that I am going to be working for him along with Ishizu and Marik on the Egyptian exhibt at the museum. Needless to say for some reason I was not happy with that, but my attention was caught by someting else. Zahara and Bakura were discussing honeymoon plans- possibly Vegas. RIJ suddenly started ragging on Bakura who I could see was not handling it well at all. Well my sister got tired of it and told him not to give her any kind of sex advice until he got his own love life straight. He got angry and shoved her making her fall off the couch and onto the floor, ticking off both Bakura and my Uncle. I still do not completely understand everything... Zahara finally asked Bakura to do smething about it and the next thing I know he has RIJ pinned against a wall, demanding an answer form him.
Part of me wanted to shout out and stop them. Another part was too shocked to really care. Then there was this loud sound and this woman (if that is what you can call her) barged through , ticking off Father, By this time, RIJ had hidden himself under a table. But the girl seemed to know where he was. She went under the table and all I heard were noises and saw the table moving. I don't think I really want to know what happened under there... He wasn't inder there long enough for much, but still... Father kicked him and the woman outside, but that was loing after I left to try to find myself and figure out what was happening...

TO make a long story short. I was beginning to remember what I had forced myself to forget. Oriana was the woman who had come for RIJ. She tried to convince him to kill me. But it backfired. He turned on her killing her and then telling me he loved me. Later that night he finally even asked me to marry him. I of course said yes... I then took him to my favorites, private spot on the beach for a moonlight swim, amoung other things I won't go into at this time. Now to hope that this actually lasts and he doesn't turn tail and run at the first sign of trouble. I need him to trust me. I need to trust him. And we both seem to have trust issues with the world so that is quite a task. But I am willing to work on it... as long as he is...

(Originally posted August 14th, 2005)

What Happened?

2006-06-18T09:32:00.000-07:00

I wish I could answer that question. I sit here at my desk and Kaiba has been in and out of his desk smirking at me as he passes. Mokuba looks scared to death of me. And I have 100's of questions with very few answers. Something horrible happened last night- that is all I am truly aware of... I feel as though a part of me is missing. A part I despereately need to get back- but have no way of knowing how to do so. I have reread my previous journals. I still only have a vague idea of whom this RIJ is... But I still have no idea what happened. I remember leaving work yesterday. I went back to my parents home for the evening but I am not certain what made me go there... The next thing I remember, I am in some field-like area. Well kept, like a park. My sister is looking over me with a scared look in her eyes. She is talking to others wondering how to handle something that is certain to happen. She sounds pained. She says I made a mistake, but I am not really hearing her as she helps me to sit up. I WISH I knew what happened.

There is a guy not far from me. He is beautiful in a manly sense of the word. I seem drawn to him for some reason. There is something about him. Someone tries to stop me from going to him. But I reach him before they reach me. I gaze down at him. Then I am pulled away. When I am alone again, I return to him. There is such perfection on the darkly angelic face. There is a darkness in his spirit. I can sense it- but it has been badly weakened. I am not sure why though. Something catches my eye and I see writing on his wrist. Confused I pick up that wrist and stare down at it. It read, "Sanura, from the moment I met you, I loved you. Will you marry me?"

I was so shaken I couldn't react. Who was this man? How did he know me? Why could I not remember this man who apprently felt so deeply for me? Did I feel the same for him?

See? So many questions. And I am still left with no answers. He asked my name. When I told him, he looked away from me. Nervous and shocked. He never gave me his name. My sister would only tell me that he is someone I will someday wish to know again. Someone told me that I wanted to kill him for doing horrible things to me. I did not sense that in him. And I knew my heart was not filled with vengence. But it did feel something. Not sympathy, not pity. Something softer and more genuine. I asked him if I was supposed toknow him.. If we had met before. He refused to look at me. Something inside me ... I don't know- it was as if something was begging to touch him... but I did one step more. I kissed his cheek. I could sense his awkward feelings. It was strange.

We all left then. I don't know if I will ever see him again.

My sister fought with me about going to work today. She finally settled when Adais said he would go with me. So now I have a babysitter... RA!! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?!

( Originally posted Aug. 13th, 2005)

Arrgh!

2006-06-18T09:30:00.000-07:00

Somedays I really hate working for Kaiba. You really can't have a life when you are his personal assitant. *sigh* Then again- I never really needed much of a life till now... I swear if it wasn't for the money I would have ditched this job a long time ago- but I mean come on..... where else am I going to get the kind of money I am getting as teh personal assitant to THE Seto Kaiba... Yeah- it's sad... I want a life though... There was a time he was willing to give me one too lol. I think that was Mokuba's doing though. He has been to busy to plead on my behalf, and in all honesty I think this is payback for my attacking Kaiba the other night. I dont feel bad... he deserved it. Shouldn't have been bragging about cetain things to certian people... not like RIJ REALLY needed to know about my pasy ... sexual ... events - at least not from Kaiba of all people. And then Marik stepped in. I knew he was hurt, but I didn't think he would be vindictive!!
AHH!! I have to get going. Another of Kaiba's famous 9-1-1pages... I WANT MY LIFE!!!!! Is that really too much to ask? *sigh*

I am sorry RIJ- guess I will have to break our date again tonight... *pouts*

(Originally posted Aug. 11th, 2005)

Interesting twist...

2006-06-18T09:29:00.000-07:00

So many things happened last night I didn't have time to write it all. Luckily I am stealing a small break in between projects that Kaiba has me doing for him. Though why I am still working for him is beyond me after the stunt he pulled the other night... Poured fuel on an already burning out of control fire during a fight between RIJ and myself when he decided to talk about our sex life. It was mild to say the least- he was so busy working he never had time for an actual sex life... But this is not to bash my boss... This is to sort out what actually happened last night.

Everything was going out of control. Everything short of the apocolypse happened. I started out alright until RIJ showed up. Then I said something I shouldn't have said. He wanted an explanation and I was not about to so I ran to the temple I had sought refuge in earlier in the day. Not sure why. I was not exactly being honorable toward the elders to say the least. I cursed them and damned them. I did not want to feel what I was feeling anymore. It hurt just too damn much. I had feelings in him that were searing into my heart, consuming it. He could not follow me in the temple though. I am not sure even if he tried. I went in hoping for an answer. But I received none. So I left to find utter chaos and destruction. There was an earthquake, the largest ever recorded. I was not paying attention and the ground opened beneath me. I screamed as I fell and my fingers barely found a ledge to grab onto. So many feelings entered my mind as I stared down at the open abyss at my feet. IT was calling for me. Begging for me to fall. My pain wsa so great I almost gave in and let go. Just before I did I felt someone take ahold of my wrist. Stopping me. I looked up and saw him. The Forbidden One. RIJ.

He had the strangest look in his eyes. They said so much, yet I could not read them at all. My heart had frozen with my confusion. Here was the man who called me a prostitute among so many other names. Cursed me and openly mocked me. and here he was holding my life in his hands. He could have let go and freed himself. Freed us both. But he did not. He pulled me up and out. Later there was another attack of animals gone mad. We were bombarded and instead of letting me take any of the hits, he shoved me to the sand, falling on me, covering me. I did not breathe. I could not. All I could think was "Why? Why is he doing this?" He was not supposed to love me, yet he did say to me he did. Then almost in the same breath he insults me. I just no longer understood. Then suddenly he screams out in pain. He is dragged from me and I try to keep him near by grabbing him. There is a sickening crack and I know he is hurt. It was his leg, broken and dislocated. He tries to push me away again, telling me to leave him and get to saftey. I at least stay long enough to heal the broken leg, but I am pushed away before I can help even more. Everything just gets worse from there.

Eventually the chaos ends and he leaves to return to his home. I seek Blue's help in contacting the elders. I have decided I can no longer take this. The kisses we had shared proved him to be the one I was destined to be with, yet I just could not keep fighting him. She takes me to her home where she says there is a portal where I can meet with the elders face to face. But before I can go she askes me some very thought provoking questions. In then end I am forced to admit that I care too much for him. But I am given a choice. The elders can help my with the feelings I have or they can make me forget. Since I am uncertain as to his true feelings I choose to forget. She challeneges me. Me! Like I don't what I want... Then again, I didn't; not for sure. She makes me remember everything he has ever done, both good and bad. She would know him better than anyone- he was her Yami. She told me he had to have done it for a reason. It was when I told her I wished he had let me drop into the abyss she came back harder. It was as if I was speaking to my mother. But not. Eventually she made me realize and actually say that I cared too much for him to want to let him go and that was why I had to.

Then the elders showed. the very elders I had spent so much time cursing and damning. I fell to my knees and bowed before them, begging for release. I begged for forgivenss and when they asked why I told them it was because I had fallen for one Forbidden to love. They requested a name and I gave it. With a wave of a Millennium Rod, Priest Set brought RIJ into the room. The tension rose as they asked me if he was the man I was speaking of. I said yes and the questions really came then. It was during these questions I finally, for the first time said the three words I had been holding back. Three words he had spoken so carelessly the night on the beach. I. Loved. Him.

The room fell into silence. He was shocked, as was everyone else. To make an even longer story short... The elders said they could help me only if they all came to an agreement. Everyone except my father and Priest Set had cast their vote. My father was waiting for RIJ's words. I was surprised with how carelessly he said he loved me this time. I was concerned he did not mean it. So I made one last plea to the elders that if this turned out to be false that they use their powers to make me forget that he ever existed. To spare us. Father and Priest Set gave their concent and suddenly RIJ was on the floor. I was struck with fear and ran to him. I gazed down at him. Unsure of what had just happened. Priest Set told me not worry, that like Sleepy beauty, he would sleep until he was awakened by his true love's kiss. I did not know if I should laugh or take it seriously. It seemed much like what had happened between Bakura and my sister when she had nearly drowned. As a last resort he kissed her and she woke. I shrugged thinking why not. lol...

So I kissed him.

And...

nothing happened.

At least at first. Then suddenly his eyes opened and he grabed me. Telling me to give him a proper kiss. Now don't get me wrong. I am glad things worked out like this. But I do still have my worries. He was truly evil once. It would be a simple task for him to return to what he was. He had been taken from Blue the last time. This time he would be taken from me. For now his punishment seems to have been lifted, but I do not know to what extend as of yet. There are so many questions. And yet so few answers... For now, *sighs* I will be content to enjoy my time with him.

And as for Marik- I did speak to him. I told him what had happened. He was hurt. But I owed it to him to tell him, to let him know. He told me he would always be here for me. Even if he had to remain only a friend. He is such a sweet soul. If only I had another sister for him. But I know he will find someone worthy of his affections one day.

I must end this now. Mr. Kaiba is needing me in his office to go over some transcripts of a meeting I had to attend on his behalf. My days are never finished. I just hope RIJ can handle someone who is constantly on call for her job...

(Originally posted August 9th, 2005)

First Time

2006-06-18T09:24:00.000-07:00

I have always wanted an outlet to sort out my feelings. There is no better place than a blog I guess. I see my mother uses them very regularly when she can and it seems to help her. I just don't know where to begin. You see I am the daughter of a Pharaoh. Not just any old Pharaoh. THE Pharaoh of the Millennium Puzzle. I am one of a set of triplets. My sister Zahara, and my brother Adais. Things have been busy. There was this huge wedding down on the beach for my sister. She married Bakura. Bakura of all people!!! My father struggled with that for awhile... but he has since accepted the former thief with open arms. They seem to be very happy together.

Thern there is Adais. He and Kaori have a son. The well known Yugi Motou. Yeah- my family is all about being well-known and yet being in hiding at the same time. See we are different. nevermind- I can't really get into it.

Then there is me. I am probably the darker of my siblings. I have done things I am not exactly proud of. but usualy only because I needed to. I do work for the great Seto Kaiba. He is an onteresting man to work for. There was at one point something between us. But it just wasn't to be. Then there was Malik... the great and evil Malik... I won't even bother to go into that sadistic relationship... I said I was dark...

Now there is a new problem. My sister and brother have both been lucky enough to find one person to give their hearts to. *sighs* I have two. I am torn between them and no longer know what to do. There is Marik. The kinder, gentler side of Malik. He has always let it be known that he cares about my and I do care deeply for him as well... but there is this other one.

A Forbidden One

RIJ- the Yami and brother to a friend of our family named Blue. I am still trying to understand him. There are so many things I don't know. Like how he is able to love me yet push me away. He told me he loved me tonight. But then he said that he can't love me. Talk about confusion. I hurt Marik and made a decision only to have to face the idea that I can never be with the one I do truly love. He says the elders had something to do with this. That they keep everyone RIJ is close to away from him as punishment for what he has done in the past. But what could a person possibly have done in order to have the ability to love taken from him? If only there was a way to change this. But he says they may even try to kill us both if we even try...

So what do I do? Do I try to love him still and risk it all? Or do I leave him alone? Marik wants my whole heart. He deserves it. But after realizing what I have about RIJ... I can never... never give my whole heart to anyone...

Please Ra... Elders... whoever is listening... Take this pain away... make it go away...

(Original post date: August 8th 2005)