Lost in thought...

I feel so empty... so lost and alone...

Because Gabriel asked it of me, I had the child we were expecting aborted. I thought I would be okay after it was done, but I feel worse. I didn't want to let it go. I loved that child. It was a part of Gabriel and me. After losing Ellena, I never wanted to lose another child. I can't help but think that I am being punished for my years as an assassin for Alexander. I fear that any time I am to be with child, it will be taken for me as an exchange for one of the lives I took.

My uncle told me that my son was alive.

I can't believe that. It can't be true. even if it was, it was too underdeveloped to survive. My son could not live past an hour... It just is not possible. Why would someone tell me something like that if it could never be true?

Or is it?

I don't know. I just don't care...

I feel like giving up. I feel like I need my son and my husband in order to move forward, but I can only have my husband. I can settle for that, but something will always be missing... But if Gabriel really fears that having a child will bring harm to me, then I shall remain childless.

Still, this depression is not one I can see myself climbing out of easily. Dorian tried and then Ori tried... I admit, Ori really was pretty good at helping me. he may not have done mch, but he did enough to at least calm me down and rest...

Now he has to get ready for his wedding... He looks awfully pale though. And confused. I do hope he will be okay...

****************

(side)

I guess I never realized just how strong Xavier's bite can be... He wa angry with Rose and because she is back inside my head again, I get to be the messenger for her again and the messages aren't always nice... Ori seems really concerned over the bite. It's kind of nice to actually have someone worry about me instead of fighting with me.
I want so badly to be worthy of his affection. I am trying so hard to live the Christian way he has described for me. I am glad I am not Catholic though... I'd be in the confessional quite often if I was... I can't help my mind wanders when I am with ori. And with Rose in my mind again waiting to take over control at any given moment, I have to be near Ori almost all the time in order to keep Rose back out of the way... I am guessing her old weaknesses have returned to her with a vengeance... She is very oddly quiet and subdued when Ori is not only near me, but especially when he is holding me.

He is a really good man to know what is going on with me and still accept me. Though I do sometimes wonder if because of his religion if I am only holding out for something I can never really have... I wonder if he could ever completely commit to anyone. I can wait patiently though. I seem to have infinite patience.

It's hard still seeing Gabriel with my sister. A part of me still loves him even after everything that's happened. But he seems so warm to her. There is no way he still has feelings for me at all. We pass by each other... and it's like he doesn't feel anything. I just wish I knew how he can move on and live like we never loved at all... what is his secret? Because it kills me everytime he gets near and I can't hold him... or be close to him at all.

He has moved on... Zahara has bonded herself to him. Ended her marriage completely so that she can be with him... I couldn't touch him if I wanted less he burn under my fingertips and be destroyed...

I guess he really does get to be the lucky one who moves on with his life... I may be stuck where I am for a while...

I love Ori, I do... I just wish I knew what to expect when it comes to us...

posted by Lady Aurora Phoenix @ 8:26 AM Comments: 0